GLSR NEWS: YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE GROINLAND/ SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA
1-3 Southern Republic 4-5 Groinland
5 Business 6 Classifieds
Rumors of Vote Rigging Aimed At Upper-Class
Word has been spreading around that some of the top shareholders in the Republic
have been bribed by a mysterious stranger to vote for the revolutionary anarchist
Party Party. The main goal of the party is to “Have lots of parties all the time”
according to its spokesperson Fun Man. A good number of locals have been
speaking out against this party and even had a protest in front of Town Hall. The
mayor agreed with the protests and said publicly “This party is a gross
abomination of the morals of the good people of this Republic. Remember all the
great parties there are that don’t have such corrupt ideals.”
Military Recruitment Ads Successful
The new ads designed by First Lieutenant Bob Billman have brought in 4 new
recruits, according to surveys. This is the highest number ever accomplished by
one ad, and is praised as one of the best-done ever. The ads feature footage of the
fight against the Easterners and “Before and After” interviews with soldiers and
their families. They have been featured in newspapers and on the local television
Activists Pushing for New Laws on Littles
Some extreme activists have been trying to get Mayor Braun to get new legislation
in that would criminalize butchering littles. There is little public support for
this legislation. Mayor Braun said “Eating beef is part of life. Just because an
extremist or two thinks it’s good for the Republic to stop selling one of our
most important products is good, doesn’t mean I’ll ban this asset to the South.”
Allegations of Groinland President Groining Stranger
The president Groinrich has been accused
of groining an aquaintance named Susano. She recently told the Groin Police that,
while walking home from the Groin Shop, the president jumped down from a tree and
attempted to groin her, but she fought him off and told him to “Groin your own
groin.” In a recent interview, Groinrich said to “Go put a goddamn on your
goddanged.” after insisting we should get a better answer, he responded “Shut
up. I only groin my wife and groinkids.” A court date is scheduled in the
notoriously fair and just Southlands Court in the neighboring “mini-country”
the Southern Republic.
New Election coming up for police:
The police force of Groinland has an upcoming election on the 29th of December.
Candidates include Grossgroin, Nathgroin, Groinbobber, Jim Groin, and
Groiniliscous. Voting booths are located in the town hall and church. Ever
since the last president left office, it has been traditional to elect new police
every month, unless the current ones are voted to stay in office.
Current Trade Prices & Information:
Business is not at a standstill, but is still hardly prosperous. The most hopeful
commodity is drinking water. The economy has been slow and food scarce.
–SNOW Because of the relatively scarce amount of snow, there has been few exports.
–ICE There is little ice in the area, and few buyers.
–DRINKING WATER An entrepreneur named Busygroin has made his own water purifier
with the help of his employee, Jack LeMon. Busygroin claims the machine can
make water from snow to potable drinking water by using burnt garbage for fuel.
–TIMBER A small volume was sold, but rights have been hard to acquire and trading
was done in the dark.
Selling: $1/ pound
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $56.80 for the month -BAUGHT- $100
1. Painting done by a friend, $5
2. Pet Little, good bloodlines. Would taste nice. $3
3. Pet Fish. Insane. Treat like a fish, not a rockman. $10
4. Bike, Swiss. Super NICENESS! Only $25!
5. Scissors. Grossnesses. $.50.