“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE GROINLAND/SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
JANUARY 1, 2012
1-12 South Republic 13 Business 14 Groinland 15 Classifieds 16 Obituary 17 Letters
DICTATORSHIP OF DISGUSTER DESTROYED
One of the newest mini-countries, the Dictatorship of Disguster, has been destroyed by the Edmonton police. All its citizens except one (Goddanged Buper) were killed. The police have declined to comment on the matter. Few are sad at Disguster’s death, but they are concerned that other mini-countries will be massacred in the future! This event has led to increased coverage of mini-countries by the mainstream media. Goddanged Buper is in shock at the Rockman Metro. Hospital. He is unable to answer questions at the moment. Public opinion is divided between liberals who say that those mini-countries which do not pose a threat should be tolerated, and conservatives who say that non-Canadian governments pose a threat to Canada’s well-being. However, most people and rockmen seem to be of the liberal persuasion in this particular matter.
NEW SENATE ELECTION IN MID-JANUARY
The race is heating up. The Senate currently contains 7 seats, which used to be 5 in months past. Odds seem to be in favour of the current Senate being re-elected, but there is a good chance that a few new senators may find their way into a seat come the 14th. Polls say that the most popular candidate is Bob Boser. The purpose of the Senate is to approve or disapprove of the Mayor’s bills.
INTRODUCTION TO SENATE HOPEFULS:
-The Conserver (U.C)
Wants to conserve everything.
-Bob Boser (Farmer)
Much experience farming grass.
-DoGooder Hatfield (Lib)
Believe in the “Robin-hood” philiosophy.
(Steal from the rich and give to the poor)
Wants the Republic to be like Groinland.
Wants parties to be held every night at Town Hall.
-Nat Mathis (M)
Very middle of the road and uncontroversial.
INTRODUCTION TO PARTIES:
A controversial new party based on the ideals of buying few products, working
hard, being very cautious, spending little, and conserving waste. Not very popular.
The second-most popular party in the Republic. It supports traditional beliefs and values. Also, it is in support of a smaller government. Generally supports conservative social ideas and liberal economic ideas.
One of the smaller political parties in the Republic. Believes in liberal social ideas and supports a more ‘left wing’ economic manifesto. Supports moderate taxes and social programs.
Believes in values somewhat between the Conservative and Liberal ones. It is rather popular, but not as much as the Conservatives nor the Farmers. Least popular of the well-known parties.
The Farmer party has strong agricultural roots, and somewhat resembles the
American Republican Party. It believes in big government more so than any other popular party. Currently in favour.
-Groin- (G) An import from neighbooring ally Groinland. Not very popular with anyone except immigrants from Groinland. Becoming slightly less groin-related to get more popular votes. Very liberal views.
A very controversial party based on anarchist views. It supports hardly any
control in any fashion. It also wants parties to be held in public places and
parks very often.
PARTY PARTY STILL CAUSING RUCKUS
The recently-started Party Party has been harassing the citizens of the Republic.
One victim states: “He tried to attack me with his arm, but I grabbed my gun and shot it off in the air. Then, he left and said I was a ‘pooper.’” The Mayor has not changed his opinion on the matter, that the party should be avoided at all costs. Polls say that the Party Party is one of the least popular.
MAYOR TALK WITH MOIST PRES. AND MAKES ALLY WITH MOIST
Mayor Braun held a special meeting with the president of the Republic of Moist. Their president, Mr. Moist, said that they should be allies because “It looks like you all need some moistness.” Mayor Braun said the South Republic would help defend the Republic of Moist if they gave the Republic 10 litres of water every month. The President responded “O yes! Moistness is helpful for diplomatic relations.” The newfound Republic of Moist has been around for only 3 months, compared with our Republic’s 10 months. Moist is located in Whitemud Park. They have a population of 24 rockmen. Their only major industry they have is water production.
RYAN RYDER GETS ARMY PROMOTION
Since the military has finally reached the milestone of 50 active members, the first-ever Lieutenant has been crowned. Ryan Ryder has received a medal of bravery during the Eastern Offensive. He is held among the best in the army. A parade is being held for this momentous occasion in the Town Square.
ARMY RECIEVES 5 GUNS FROM GROINLAND
The most skilled (and only) gunsmith in Groinland has made 5 custom rifles for some of the most decorated soldiers in the Army. They are considered much higher-quality than the typical service firarms. However, some people say they are unfair, and that if some soldiers get Groinish guns, all soldiers should get Groinish guns. Mayor Braun stated that it helps us keep on good terms with Groinland when trades are made. Some other disagree, saying that it will boost Groinland’s power, which could make it a bigger threat.
SENATE HOPEFUL DISCUSSES CAMPAIGN
Senate hopeful The Conserver told us (GLSR) that his campaign has been severely restricted to online and radio forms because of his ultra-conservative principles. He said “Sending letters is a waste of paper, which in turn is a waste of trees, which by the way have to be imported! It’s unethical for me to allow that. How I run my campaign is just another example of what I stand for and why I want a place in the Senate.” However, this decision has greatly reduced The Conserver’s exposure and possibly his voting base.
SHOULD POLICE GUNS BE MORE POWERFUL? (Opinion by Handy Lanny)
The South Republic Police Force has been considering changing their recommended service gun from a Grosser .17 Medium-velocity to a Chinker .22 Highish-Velocity. The current sidearm typically takes more than one shot to kill, and does not cause much damage. It only holds two shots, but is very reliable. The proposed new sidearm would be much more powerful and have a higher chance of killing the target, but is less reliable. I think that, when dealing with criminals, a very trusty firearm is important, especially if the criminal is also armed. Also, there is less danger of the current model being used against the policeman because it only holds two shots. All in all, the Force will make their own decision, but we can do our best to try and sway it by telling our friends and even writing letters to the Senators and the Mayor.
HARVEY SNOWSUCKER VEHICLE REVIEW
My first impression of the Snowsucker was one of good quality and sturdiness, but also costliness! A new Snowsucker is over $350. However, they are reliable enough to last months without repairs even in bad winter weather. The machine is quite simple. It involves an apparatus resembling a snowblower, which sucks the snow into a reservoir. The reservoir can hold about 65 pounds. It is overall a no-frills but trusty vehicle, if you can afford it. It is gasoline-powered, with a 200 cc engine.
* * * / * * * * $385
SHOULD THE BORDERS BE TIGHTER WITH GROINLAND? (Opinion)
Our current border laws are ineffective.
Groinland has been sending over too many immigrants, and we accept them much too easily. Everyone knows that the rogue state of Groinland is a pest. Even if we are allies with them and on good terms with them, they still are anarchist whackos. They even sent over a serial killer that murdered one of our great citizens, by the name of Thomas Lyson. All because the border-control agents didn’t stop him. We need much better borders with more guards. This would create more jobs, which would stimulate the economy. And what do the liberals have to say but “Oh, it’s so useless!” I’m enraged! Call up your mayor right now and tell him to get the Groiners evacuated from our beautiful Republic.
BUSINESS: CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION:
Since the temperatures have started falling and snow became more abundant, there has been much more exporting of late. The most hopeful commodities are drinking water and snow. Mr.Busygroin the entrepreneur has made a useful machine that makes snow into semi-pure water that could be used for watering littles. The economy has been getting better than it was in December..
–SNOW Exports are much more plentiful. The market is good.
–ICE There is little ice in the area, and few buyers.
–DRINKING WATER An entrepreneur named Busygroin has made his own water purifier with the help of his employee, Jack LeMon. Busygroin claims the machine can make water from snow to potable drinking water by using burnt garbage for fuel.
–TIMBER Timber sales are essentially at a standstill due to legal disagreements between rockmen and landowners.
Selling: $1/ pound
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $66.30 for the week -BAUGHT- $40 in the week
GROINSUS REVEALS POPULATION AND OTHER INFO
The 3rd Groinsus ever has just been taken, and it has revealed much information about Groiners. Here are some of the statistics.
Population: 67 (up from 42 in October)
Religions: 80% Groinish Church 17% None of them! 3% Other
Crime Rate: Murders = .6/month Assaults = 13/month Groins = 30/month
Political Party Preferences: 40% Groin Party 30% Groinland Party 21% SuperGroin Party 19% Grossness Party
1. Pet Little, good bloodlines. Would taste nice. $3
2. Pet “Fish.” Insane. Treat like a fish, not a rockman. $10
3. Bike, Swiss. Super NICENESS! Only $25!
4. Harmonica, good for bashing. $2
5. Tree Ornament, redness $5
Mr. Groinmurderer was killed by one of his victims as he tried to groin her. He will
be buried in the ground.
“He was so useful for do-inge things. Too bad he was moidered.”
-his only friend Groinibobber
“I loved his groins” -His wife Groinmoideress
“I’m glad he’s dead. He was a real pooper! A pain in the groin!” -Old Groingroiner
Disguster, the dictator of the late country the Dictatorship of Disguster, has been murdered by the Edmonton Police Force. Although it is not typical to record deaths in far-away countries, we have decided to because of the importance of Disguster. His remains will be buried if they are ever found, which is doubtful. “Oh God, he was such a grossness!” –His neighbor, Billder the Gosh-darned “I hated him!” –Joe James “Too bad we couldn’t find his body. It deserves groining.” -Hobgroin
“I was reading your last newspaper from December, and I really liked Busygroin’s idea about the water purifier. We need more groin ideas like that in Groinland! It’s such a useful idea! Ingroinuity is a good thing to have. Now let’s get off our groins and invent something!” –Hobgroin
“Groinland is the best of all of them! We’re so much better than the grossness Southern Republic. We’re almost better than our groins!” -Groiniliscous