“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE GROINLAND/SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
JANUARY 15, 2012
Index: 1-7 South Republic 8–9 Groinland 10-11 Business 12 Obituaries 13-14 Letters and map
DICTATORSHIP OF GODDANGED REPLACES DITATORSHIP OF DIGUSTER! EMERGENCY MEETING HELD FOR NAT. DEFENSE
Word has come around that Goddanged Buper, who was previously being held in the Metro. Hospital has broken out! He sent a video to the South Republic and Edmonton saying he will be starting his own dictatorship close to Westview Village, and only 4 kilometres from the Republic and Groinland! He said in the video that only half of the citizens of the Dictatorship of Disguster were killed. (Previous estimates were that everyone in the country was murdered.” Also, he said he will choose another mini-country to slaughter, but he didn’t say which Apparently, Goddanged has also recruited some evil thugs to be citizens in his country, with the current population in the Dictatorship estimated to be at about 80.
Hopefully we will not be massacred by the Edmonton police or the army. Mayor Braun said he will be implementing many changes to make sure the country is safe from both Edmonton, and the Dictatorship of Disguster. He also said he will be taking many steps to keep the country secure in this crisis. During a meeting with the Senate, he stated “We have to have more border guards and even a night watch now that there’s a good chance that the Dictatorship will be sending a whole army at us. I will make sure the border guards also have better guns. We will also have to make our borders tighter. Only citizens of Groinland with life certificates will be able to enter the Republic, because any others may be spies. It may be hard on the tourism industry, but that is the way we’ll have to go if we want to keep all our troops alive.” Mayor Braun has also urged the public to buy guns or join the Army, because “Every soldier in the Army raises the chances of our staying independent from evil tyrants like Diguster and Goddanged Buper.”
The South Republic has not been noticed by the Canadian government, but there is a large chance we will be before long, now that Goddanged Buper has put out our name on the airwaves.
BOB’S FUN CLUB REFUSES TO ALLY WITH G.LAND OR THE SOUTH REPUBLIC
Bob’s Fun Club, a mini-country north of these two, has refused to ally with us even in the face of violence by the Dictatorship of Goddanged. Mayor Braun held an emergency meeting with Bob, but he declined to be an ally. “Allies are so useless and gross. WE don’t need allies. There’s already enough of us. If the Dictatorship of Goddanged even attempts to moider us, they’ll probably only send like 5 people.” Even though the Mayor corrected him, saying the Dictatorship is much more dangerous than Bob had said, he didn’t budge, saying “Nope. We have 27 members in our club! That’s enough to defend against the whole city of Edmonton if you ask me! And last week we made spears and knife-s for moidering things. I have an idea! How about we go there next week and kill all of THEM! I think that will be funness.”
Bobs fun club gathers every weekend to have fun and do primitive activities like fighting, hunting, gathering, games, and crafts. They are the only known mini-country not open all week, and also the one with the smallest population.
SEVERAL NEW POLITICIANS VOTED INTO SENATE
Senate: Farmer // Conservative // U.C / Liberal / Moderate /
With the new votes just being counted, 3 of the 7 Senators are newcomers. The other 4 include 2 in the Farmer’s party, 1 in the Conservative Party, and 1 in the Moderate party. The new Senators are The Conserver, of the new Ultra-conservative party, Dogooder Hatfield, of the Liberal party, and Bob Boser, of the Farmer’s party. We have interviewed each of them.
What’s your opinion on being elected? T.C= Honestly, I wasn’t too sure I’d be elected. But it seems like everyone wants to conserve things, so I got lucky. I think everyone will be surprised at how good I am at conserving our resources. DG.HF= It’s a good thing that everyone wants to restore life to what it should be like. Everyone deserves to have lots of money, but things don’t work out that way unless a Liberal like me is in office. B.B= I’m happy all the farmers voted for me. I know what I’m doing, and I know how to farm. I’ll be a “people’s Senator,” and help everyone in their businesses, agricultural or otherwise. What is the biggest problem in the country? T.C= We are too wasteful! There are grossness landfills in our country, and we don’t use our resources correctly. I will help change that. DG.HF= I think people like Rogey Richman are just too rich and they hold onto their money like it’s the end of the world. Then there’s those poor people in Barsboro that hardly have a dime. I’ll help redistribute the wealth and make sure everyone has enough. B.B= That the people in office don’t know what they’re talking about and don’t have experience driving a tractor or running a farm. I know what I’m doing, and I’ll help, through legislation, everyone else that also knows what they’re doing. For the people that don’t, I’ll try to pass free agriculture lessons for the public. What are you going to change? T.C= I’m going to make the country more conservative and environmentally-friendly. I’ll try and get hybrid vehicles imported, and solar power and windmills for running appliances. If the world ends in 2012, we definitely do not want to say we helped it end! DG.HF= Like I said before, I’ll help redistribute the wealth to make everyone happy. B.B= I’ll get free agriculture lessons to the public, free-market bills passed, and try to get us more legal land to farm on.
ARMY LOTTERY HELD FOR RECRUITMENT
Because of the national crisis on our hands, the Army has been looking for new recruits. They have decided to hold a lottery at the Senate to get more citizens up in arms. The price to join the lottery is a 4-month Army enlistment, but chances of winning are doubled if someone chooses a 10-month enlistment instead. The prizes are very interesting. Runner-up prizes (of which there are 10) include less time on duty, (3 months or 6 months if 10 was originally chosen) and a free subscription to GLSR newspaper for a year. Third prize is a custom Groinish gun like those the squad leaders carry. The second prize is $50 cash. First prize is ten acres of good farming land, legally owned by the Republic. About 30 people are expected to show up, but the real amount may be different. The lottery takes place noon on January 18. Lottery officials are not responsible for loss of life during military service.
REPUBLIC OF MOIST BREACHED BY SPY
The newfound Republic of Moist, in Whitemud Park, has been spied upon by an unknown rockman. The one and only policeman in the country, Nobe Nober, caught him and interrogated him. At first, the spy claimed he was “Just an innocent bystander!” However, later in the interview, he admitted he was a Canadian spy. Moist told Mayor Braun that he will have to relocate his country if more suspicious activity goes on there. It is unknown why the spy was spying, but it was probably to gauge if Moist is currently a threat to Canada. (which is very doubtful!) At the moment, the spy is tied to a tree and under surveillance by Nobe Nober. He will be released if he either promises not to tell anyone about Moist or if he becomes a citizen of Moist.
REPUBLIC RECIEVES MESSAGE FROM MOIST
The president of Moist, Mr. Moist, sent Mayor Braun a message about national security that the Mayor decided to make public. It said “Our country, though far away from the Dictatorship of Goddanged, is endangered by it. I think it would be possible that the spy we caught will tell the Dictatorship about us, if he is released. The only defense our country has is one policeman with a knife. We are peaceful, but if attacked our only response could be to hide and hope we don’t get murdered. That’s why we need your help. If the Dictatorship attacks us, please remember our agreement. (10 litres of water a month for military protection) Good luck defending yourselves!“ (Edited by Mr. Matthew Carpenter)
FIRST COMPUTER IN COUNTRY IMPORTED
A used HP computer has been imported from Canada to the Republic. This marks the first time an item this expensive has been bought for personal use. It will be sold to the richest rockman in the country, Rogey Richman.
GROINLAND (by Groiniscous)
NATIONAL DEFENSE CHANGES
Since the newfound Dictatorship of Disguster has been established, changes have been implemented by Groinrich. They involve hiring another border guard and spending some of the president’s money on guns to sell at a discount ($10) to citizens. Mayor Braun confirmed he would help us in the case of an attack. I think we shouldn’t worry, though. We’ve got a militia of everyone in the country except Groin-maker, Busygroin, and President Groinchard, which is 64 rockmen! The President said today “If you see any suspicious activity, groin it and then tell me!”
A Groinish citizen who has accused President Groinrich of groining her has just been murdered. She was killed in the South Side of the town centre while taking a late-night stroll. Suspects are few, but an investigation has started. The murder weapon appears to be a knife or similar sharp object. If you have any information, talk to the Groin Police.
CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION:
There has been some snow, but not as much as expected. Exporting has been modest. However, the tourism industry has been doing very well. Most of the national income, in fact, has been from tourism.
–SNOW Some snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound Volume: 70
–ICE There is little ice in the area, and few buyers.
Selling: $.90/pound Volume: 5
–DRINKING WATER A Groinland entrepreneur named Busygroin has made his own water purifier with the help of his employee, Jack LeMon. Busygroin claims the machine can make water from snow to potable drinking water by using burnt garbage for fuel.
Selling: $.70/litre Volume: 20
–TIMBER Timber sales are essentially at a standstill due to legal disagreements between rockmen and landowners.
Selling: $1/ pound Volume: 2
-TOURISM Because of the pleasant weather, tourists have been a-plenty. Most of the national income has come from them. Price $1-$10 Volume: 24
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $220 since Jan 1 -BAUGHT- $189 since Jan 1
TOURISM INDUSTRY BOOMS
The South Republic has recently been experiencing a record number of tourists, considering it is winter! Each one is charged a dollar to enter into the Republic. After that, many support local businesses by buying memorabilia and trinkets at them. This is great for the economy, considering how volatile farming can be in profits. Hopefully, things will go on like this. I’m almost certain that if the Republic invented more unique food items and a signature style we’d get even more tourists.
Susano was murdered on the 13th of January. She will be cremated. Friends are invited to her funeral at the Groinish Church. “Oh my groin! That’s horrible she died! I thought she was so amazingness” – Her sister Susangroin “Whoever did it should be moidered and then groined!” -President Groinrich
Letters: “It’s a great inconvenience that the Edmonton police failed to permanently dispose of the Dictatorship of Disguster! I can hardly believe it rebuilt itself so fast. Now, it is an even more hazardous country. I am however pleased about our recent national security improvements. Maybe they will enable us to fight off the Dictatorship if they attack us” –Professor Colie
“It’s a good thing we made allies with the Republic of Moist. However, if they get attacked by the Dictatorship of Goddanged, we have no choice but to defend them! That will be very hard considering that they have no means of defending themselves and guns are banned there! I hope it doesn’t come down to that.” –Bark Gleason
“I was listen-inge to the radio and some weird O told me that he’s groining to murder all of us! And he said he was called Goddanged Buper. But he don’t know that I will groin his groin and then I’ll moider him and hiself if he attempts to do it to me! My country is the best one! I’ll defend it with my life! I’ll defend it with my groin!” -Groinasmarter
“I’m going to do it! I’m going to! Join them and become the same flesh and blood! Oh yes! Watch out, Groinland! I’m groining to help them moider you! Oh yes, I loooove Dictator Goddanged! He’s so goddanged! He’s such niceness! We’re groining to moider y’all!” –Groinagroin