“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 7, FEBRUARY 10, 2012
Index: 1-4 International 5-6 South Republic 7 Business 8 Obituaries 9-10 Letters and map
DICTATORSHIP OF GODDANGED FLEES with the Kingdom of Crinkle
After being relentlessly assaulted by Southern troops, the Dictatorship of Goddanged, and the Kingdom of Crinkle have fled from their land. A great number of their population has been killed by the Southern Army. It seems like they were almost out of soldiers, so in desperation fled to another part of Canada. It is a possibility that they will be back in the future, however.
The Kingdom of Crinkle was annexed by the Dictatorship of Goddanged, under the terms that King Crinkle will be treated like a king and be Dictator Goddanged’s advisor.
WAR CASUALTIES ANNOUNCED
The first official count of rockmen killed or wounded in the recent wars has just been released. These are the deaths from the Moist Massacre: (the first number is those wounded, the second is those dead)
Moistnesses: 0/16 Goddangeds: 4/2
From the very recent War of Goddanged, here are the deaths and injuries:
Fun Clubbers: 5/21 Southerners: 13/10 Goddangeds: 21/62 Groiners: 1/1 Crinklers: 5/24
GROINLAND FORMS “MURDERBALL” LEAGUE IN REPUBLIC JAIL
In their section of the South Republic Jail, President Busygroin has started a “murderball” league. He will explain his logic in an interview.
What is Murderball? B.G: Murderball is a game where there are outfielders and infielders and a Thrower and a Hitter. The Thrower runs towards the Hitter, and the Hitter tries to hit the Thrower with the bat and make the infielders or outfielders catch him. If they can catch him, the Hitter’s team gets a point. But if the Thrower can take the Hitter’s bat and hit him with it, the Thrower’s team gets a point. If someone murders someone with the bat, they get 2 points. That’s why it’s called Murderball.
Why did you decide to make a league in a jail?
B.G: I know that nobody would ever play it outside of jail! I thought if the people in jail want to murder or get murdered, they should have a legal way to do that.
Do you think the game will be popular?
B.G: I do! Oh my Groin! It will be the best! And I already decided that there will be teams and that the teams will fight each other until either everyone is murdered, or someone wins! And they can win a “get out of jail free” card! Oh yes!
MORE GROINISH KNIFE DESIGNS UNVEILED
B.G: The C.E.O of the Groinland Cutlery has revealed some new designs from their legendarily prolific manufacturing plant. Hopefully, no-one will be murdered from the “buying spree” which will happen soon!
SOUTH REPUBLIC SECTION:
PUBLIC OPINION ON WAR MIXED
We asked a total of five Southerners and two Groiners what they thought of the War of Goddanged. Here are some of their responses: “I think we should have attacked the Dictatorship right after the Moist Massacre! That would have finished things real quick!” “Nope! It was a horrible idea! We shouldn’t have let our soldiers kill themselves!” “We made the right decision. I’m happy our armed forces did such a good job over in the Dictatorship! We’re happy they get to come home.”
DEAD SOLDIERS REMEMBERED AT SOMBER FUNERAL
A mass funeral for the soldiers that died in the War of Goddanged was held in the Capital two days ago. The attendance was very high, showing that even rockmen who didn’t know the dead soldiers were showing up.
CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION:
The economy has been going very well ever since the war ended. Most of the activity has been from parties and celebrations. The Southern gun maker has made a few more guns for export. Also, snow is selling for a good price. Tourism is also on the upswing, producing a knockout week of sales.
–SNOW A good amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound Volume: 600
–ICE There is some ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound Volume: 24
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing well. Mean value: $5 Volume: 42 –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price. Selling: $65 Volume: 3
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $704 since Jan 28 -BAUGHT- $490 since Jan 28
-National Debt- $1826 (-214)
OBITUARY: A total of ten of our soldiers were killed in the war. A funeral has been held for all of them. They will be missed.
Letters: “Whoo hooo! It’s done! Yeah! Yes! Oui! Hahaha the war is finally over! I’m so ecstatic! I’m so enjoyable!” –Goshdarnedgroin
“Now we can have some champagne! Tasty! Let’s party!” –Fun Man