“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 8, FEBRUARY 19, 2012
Index: 1-2 International 3 South Republic 4 Business 5 Obituaries 6-7 Ads 8-9 Letters and map
SOUTH REPUBLIC ANNEXES GODDANGED TERRITORY!
The South Republic legally took a lot of land from what used to be the Dictatorship of Goddanged recently. It amounts to 3 square miles. (meaning the S.R is now 175% of the size it used to be.) The land is far west, compared to the rest of the South Republic. Most of it will be used for farming. The rest may be used for building houses or stores.
The South Republic also gave some of the land to Groinland. In their appreciation, Groinland gave the Republic 10 litres of water and 2 guns. That means that Groinland now has almost twice the land they used to. It sounds like a great opportunity for the Groiners!
MORE GROINISH KNIVES UNVEILED
Since the owner of the G.C. Corporation started selling their newest batch of knives, they have been extremely successful. We predicted there would be a buying rampage, but this was beyond our expectations! People literally camped out to get their choice of the best knife. Catalogs were sold on the black market for up to $5, since you need a catalog to order a knife. Two people even died in the buying rampage! However, it has been good for Groinland’s economy.
4 DIE IN FIRST MURDERBALL MATCH EVER- MANGLERS WIN!
In the first ever official game of Murderball ever, the Manglers beat the Hurters to a gruesome pulp. The game took place in the cafeteria of the Groinland Prison. The end score was 5 for the Manglers, and 2 for the Hurters. 3 players were murdered. At this rate, it won’t be too long before there are not enough players to play! Then, more teams will have to be made. Most of the spectators were rooting for the Manglers, because they had a “Goddamned name!” or a “Amazing amount of murdering power!” or even “Raw brutality!” (quotes from spectators.)
CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION:
The tourist market has been greatly expanding to the point that it currently constitutes the majority of the economy. This is very important, considering the lack of snow that has occurred recently. The tourists have been buying a lot from the General store in Capital City.
–SNOW A low amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound Volume: 10
–ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound Volume: 2
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.
Mean value: $6 Volume: 73 FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.
Selling: $65 Volume: 3
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $640 since Jan 28 -BAUGHT- $550 since Jan 28
-National Debt- $1736 (-90)
GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION
WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to eat food? Get a food-eating knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!
We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!
Luckily, only one person has died this week. Everyone knew he would die, anyways.
Mr. Poop Face died of cancer a few days ago. His funeral will be held at the Christianish Church in the South republic. He will be buried next to his dad’s final resting place.
“It’s a depressing thing that someone had to invent Murdeball. That game sucks! Who wants a star player to be killed in his first month of playing? That’s the sort of thing that happens in Murderball.” –Bob Billman
“Now that I’m thinkin’ about it, why did the Hurters choose such a god-danged wimpy name? That’s why the Manglers are better- they have a more hurtful name! They do! This mouth don’t lie! Nope!”
I think we should ban the horrible “sport” of Murderball. It’s little more than legalized murder for prison inmates! I don’t believe we should have it. The only way to stop it, though, would be to tell Groinland that THEY have to ban that, and I doubt that will happen.” –Prof. Colie
“In times of war, prepare for times to cut food into pieces. LOL.”
“Oh yes! It’s such greatness! Oh yes! We’re do-inge so well!”