S.R news issue 10

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 10, MARCH 3,  2012                                                                Index: 1-2 International  3-5 South Republic  6 Business  7-9 Ads 10 Obituaries  11-12 Letters and map

BOB’S FUN CLUB BECOMES FRED’S FUN CLUB

Bob, who was ill last week, has died from sickness. His best friend, Fred, will take over his country. Bob was buried in the ground in the center of his country. He will be missed. There will be a funeral for him during the upcoming week.

At the moment, Fred is doing Bob’s duties and trying his best to keep things under control in his mini-country.

“FORTUNER” ARRESTED

In Groinland, a fraudulent fortune teller has been arrested. The Fortuner has been complained-about by more than five Groinish citizens. He is known for saying very mundane fortunes like “You will do a lot of eating and pooping” and “You will sleep approximately seven hours a night for the next year.”

He also has said ridiculous fortunes like “You will ride an elephant next Sunday,” and “You will sit down for four days straight this month, without getting up at all!”

Police have temporarily put him in the holding center, and he may be put in jail if found guilty. If he does not go to jail, he might have to repay the people he took money from.

South Republic Section

MAYOR ELECTION NEXT WEEK

Polls have been taken, showing the South Republic’s opinion on which political party is their favorite. Even though the Party party is shown on the diagram, it is not possible to actually vote for it, because they do not have a candidate.

Conservative: Frank Kelspie   (31% popularity, going up) 

Mr. Kelspie has had an astounding run so far. The conservative party has went from the second most popular by ten points, to the most popular. Since Frank appeals to people in the city as well as the country, he has taken a slight lead over Henry Lemass. The other reason for his success is that Mr. Kelspie is more skilled at public speaking and articulate.

Farmer: Henry Lemass (22% popularity, going down slowly)

Henry has been the forefront of the Farmer’s Party for a while. Although he doesn’t have the same way of speaking as frank Kelspie, Henry appeals to simple working men and farmers.

Moderate: Josh Boredom (12% popularity, going down)

Josh has honestly not taken the Moderate Party any farther than it was without him. The problem with Moderates is their trouble winning votes from hardcore Liberals or Conservatives. Not many are in-between in ideal ology, making Boredom’s chances for election rather slim.

Liberal: Kelly James (14% popularity, going up slowly)

Kelly has won over a few votes from the more extremist Groin party and Party party. She is a good portrayer of the Liberal party. Even though she doesn’t have the spunk of Mr. Kelspie, Kelly has been far from a setback for the Liberal party.

Protective: Mr. West’s Wife (14% popularity, going up quickly)

The newfound Protective party has had the fastest growth in the entire history of the Republic. The Protective party believes in a style of government similar to the Farmer party, but more left-wing. Still, they are not half as extreme as communists, economically.

Groinland: Groinfun (7% popularity, going up slowly)

The Groinland party has slowly been rising in popularity, but the only reason why is because it is slowly becoming more normal. Groinfun is one of the most conservative people ever to step out of Groinland, so he has advanced the party from invisibility to modest success. Part of the reason why is because the Party party’s candidate has been arrested.

Party: (no candidate! No popularity.)

Since the candidate for the Party party has been arrested, it will be impossible to vote for it. Because of this, the 5% popularity they had will be split among the Groin and Liberal parties.

 

VANDALISTER CAUGHT AND IDENTIFIED!

The Vandalister was turned in by one of his friends for the reward money. He has been identified as Fun Man, the spokesperson of the Party party.

Developing Story: CHRISTIANISH AND BAPTIST CHURCHES SPAR

It started when the Christianish church said they tolerated the Party Party. Then, the Baptist church said the Liberal party was “immature and irresponsible.” Ever since then, the two churches have been fighting over moral ground.

Recently, a Christianister went over to the Baptist Church and attended mass there. After, he said the priest was an “old annoyance” and that someone more youthful should replace him.

The leader of the Baptist church has been opinionated on the matter, which has only made matters worse. He says the Christianisters should “learn tolerance and common sense.”

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The economy has been slowing down slightly in terms of tourism, but snow sales have soared because of the recent snowstorm! An unequaled weekly amount of snow has been sold, beating the previous record twofold.

Like I have said before, the gunsmith of the South Republic has been making quality work. His assistant has been learning the ropes and will be able to assemble guns proficiently soon.

SNOW A very large amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 500

ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                 Mean value: $6 Volume: 35                                                                                                –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $785 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $625 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1380.5  (-160)

 

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

YOU NEED PROTECTION!

Feel alone and scared all day? Feel like someone is going to groin you against your will? Feel like you will be assaulted? Feel like you will be murdered? Call us! We protect people. 555-394-2839 Bodyguard Services. Only $70 a day.

Obituaries:

Rest in Peace, Bob. You did a great job as Do-er.

Someone named Pooper died from overeating. He said he didn’t care what happened to his body, so a decision has not been made about that matter. No friends came to his funeral.

Letters:

“Oh God! Bob was my best friend! Oh God! NO!” –Bill

“Hey, wanna meet me behind the store tonight? I’ll give you some food for free. I promise I won’t murder you!” –Dark Secretness

Map:

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