S.R news issue 11

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 11, MARCH 9, 2012                                                                                                                                                                  Index: 1International  2-4 South Republic  5 Business  6-8 Ads 9 Obituaries  10-11 Letters and map

FRED’S FUN CLUB IN STATE OF UNREST

Fred’s Fun Club, which used to be Bob’s Fun Club, has experienced a lot of civil turmoil from the death of Bob from the flu. Citizens are rioting and even immigrating away from Fred’s Fun Club or quitting the activities.

“It’s so horrible how much they hate me!” says Fred. “I am a good ruler!”

A number of people have been petitioning to raise Bob from the dead with voodoo magic and turn him into a zombie king. They claim “Anything is better than Fred!”

Hopefully, things will draw to a resolution eventually.

South Republic Section

MAYOR ELECTION

Vice President chosen!

The election results for the new Mayor of the South Republic have come in! Winning by an eight-percent margin, Frank Kelspie of the Conservative party, will be the new mayor. This is the first time since many months ago that the Conservatives were able to win the election! (the last two mayors were Farmers.) Frank Kelspie saus much of his success came from his volunteers donating money and helping with his campaign.

Kelspie has chosen his vice president. Unlike in the U.S.A, mayors in the South Republic usually choose other candidates from the election as their vice president. In this case, Kelspie chose Henry Lemass, the leader of the Farmer party. The Farmer party and  Conservative party have similar political views, but their main difference is that the Farmer party believes in a bigger government than the Conservative party.

The vote results were actually somewhat surprizing, aside from Frank Kelspie winning, which was rather predictable. For example, Mr West’s Wife, of the Protective Party, was very successful, doing as well as the Liberal party! Just a few weeks ago, she was so obscure that the Protective party didn’t officially count as a party.

Josh Boredom was the major loser of the election. His votes either went to the Conservatives, Farmers, Liberals, or Protectors, generally.

Groinfun did as well as anyone would expect someone from the Groinland party to do.

Here is a graph of the votes:

DARK SECRETNESS KILLS INNOCENT VICTIM!

In a letter addressed to the public, someone named Dark Secretness said last week that he food give someone some “free food” if they met him behind the store at night. He “promised” he wouldn’t “murder them!” However, it seems like Dark Secretness lies a lot because he did murder the first person to respond to his letter. The police caught Dark Secretness, and he apologized, saying “Whoops, I guess I made a mistake. Maybe murdering is a bad option.” Dark Secretness will have a trial and is expected to go to jail for years.

IMPULSE MURDERER STRIKES AGAIN!

Another murder has been committed by someone going by the name of the “impulse murderer.” Lock your windows, because the Impulse Murderer is armed and dangerous! In an alleged interview with one of his friends, we have a glimpse into the psychology of the Impulse Murderer.

Interviewer: So who did you murder?

Murderer: Oh, I murdered one of my old friends named Bill. I was sick of being friends with him, and I didn’t like the fact that he supported the Farmers party.

Interviewer: So you killed him?

Murderer: Yep. I felt in the mood to do some murdering that night. Just like I feel in the mood to eat chocolate sometimes.

Interviewer: How was it?

Murderer: It was pretty enjoyable. Murdering is a pleasant hobby. I like it. Too bad it’s so illegal.

Interviewer: Do you have plans to stop murdering?

Murderer: When I get in jail or get shot dead by the police. I won’t really have a choice.

That is the interview given to the police by the Impulse Murderer’s friend, Bill. Bill says the Impulse Murderer is a “horribler.”

An alert has been issued, saying to not trust strangers and be suspicious of friends. No one is sure just what the Impulse Murderer looks like. A twenty dollar reward has been put up by the South Republic Police, and that may become bigger with time!

WESTERN HERITAGE PARTY HELD

At the Baptist Church, a party for ex-Westerners will be held next Tuesday. It will involve a shooting competition, drinking competition, gambling competition, spitting competition, and eating competition. The most anticipated competition is a draw between the gambling competition and eating competition. It is one of the most anticipated events of the whole winter! Although ex-westerners are encouraged to go, Southerners are also allowed provided they stand on good terms with the West. Entry fee: five dollars. Competition price is two dollars.

The Western Republic was a country in the early days of the South Republic that eventually merged together with the South. Competition results will be posted in next week’s edition of the S.R news. It’s so exciting!

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The economy has been speeding up in the tourism department. Many people, primarily from Canada, have been visiting the South Republic. The most popular tourism spots are the Mayor’s office, Senate, and economic zones.

However, the snow and ice sales have been dropping severely because of the warm weather. Snow sales are less than half of what they were last week.

The same amount of firearms has been produced as normal. They have been selling at sixty-five dollars for the past months.

The national debt is shrinking at approximately $150 dollars a week. At this rate, it will only take three to five months to eliminate the debt. Hopefully, things will go to plan.

SNOW A very small amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 50

ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Mean value: $6 Volume: 79                                                                                                                                                                           –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                                               Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $824 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $650 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1206.5  (-174)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

YOU NEED PROTECTION!

Feel alone and scared all day? Feel like someone is going to groin you against your will? Feel like you will be assaulted? Feel like you will be murdered? Call us! We protect people. 555-394-2839 Bodyguard Services. Only $80 a day.

Obituaries:

Rest in Peace, Bob. You did a great job as Do-er.

Someone named Pee-er died from water intoxication. No funeral will be held, since he has no friends.

“What a horrible name! Pee-er! I hate  it! It’s a good thing he’s dead!” –Grumpy Old Bob

Letters:

“Oh God! Bob was my best friend! Oh God! NO!” –Bill

“I want some free food too! Where is Dark Secretness when I need him?” –Calvin

“I need to eat some tastes. Did you know horses need to taste fourty pounds of tastes every day? That a lotta taste to taste!”     -Taster

“Mmmm. Cake and cookies taste best together! Lemon meringue cake and melon meringue cookies are the best combo ever!”                          -Miraculous Food Cooker

Map:

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