“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 14, APRIL 1, 2012 Index: 1-2International 3 South Republic 4 Business 5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries 9-10 Letters and map
JOE PLANS HIS PALACE
Joe, the Despot of Joe’s Fun Club, has ordered the plans for the creation of a “magnificent palace” for him. The work will be done by the few citizens of the “fun club” that have not moved to Canada. The palace will be made out of wood, and have three stories. It will have a throne and lots of things to do in it. Joe plans to build in in the center of his country.
JOE CHANGES FUN CLUB LAWS
“It’s repulsive that Bob’s Fun Club was only open on Saturdays and Sundays! My country will be open all week, 24 hours a day!” said Joe. He has changed many laws, especially the treason laws. Here is a sampling of the laws:
- “Anyone suspected of treason can be murdered for free”
- “Anyone who murders someone who is not suspected of treason will be murdered”
- “Everyone must give 10% of all their food, water, money, and land to Joe”
- “Everyone must address Joe as Joe. If someone calls him something else, they will be suspected of treason. See rule 1.”
- “Joe can kick anyone out of his country if he feels in the mood to”
South Republic Section
PEACE TALKS WITH JOE’S FUN CLUB FAIL
Frank Kelspie has had a political talk with Joe of Joe’s Fun Club, but it was not very successful. Although Kelspie tried to negotiate to protect Joe’s Fun Club for a small monthly fee, Joe declined, saying: “My country is better! We can defend ourselves! It’s you that needs the protection.”
However, Joe’s Fun Club has only 34 citizens, and guns are banned there. Kelspie also told Joe that he would pay him $15 a month if he didn’t attack the South Republic, plus $10 upfront. That remark has drawn much criticism from Republicans, who say tax dollars should not be spent on buying off other countries.
CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)
Groinland has been buying rose seeds to plant, so their national debt is slightly bigger than it used to be. However, it is still smaller than the debt of the South Republic. ($2400)
Joe’s Fun Club is so small that it doesn’t even have its own currency yet, despite their law “10% of all incomes must be given to Joe.” Because of that, I still hardly call Joe’s Fun Club a real country. Also, Canada has been getting more immigrants from Joe’s Fun Club, because they decide they do not want to be in a dictatorship.
The South Republic economy has been lagging, even though slightly more tourists have shown up this week. Primarily, the cattle industry has been the reason for the increased debt. However, like I said before, it should eventually pay off once the steers fatten up.
ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended. Mean value: $7 Volume: 97 -BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0 –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price. Selling: $65 Volume: 6
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $1069 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1300 since Feb. 19
-National Debt- $2500.5 (+$231)
GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION
WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself? Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!
Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!
FOOD TASTER’S CLUB
Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!
Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting. Apparently, he shot himself by accident. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.
Also, someone named Greg Hunter died while he was fishing. A blue marlin impaled him and murdered him. He will be buried in the water, because he unfortunately didn’t tell anyone how he wanted to be buried.
Letters to the Editor:
“Really, I think Frank Kelspie shouldn’t be a Conservative! If you’re in the habit of spending tax dollars bribing other countries, you’re more of a Liberal. He should change parties.”
“Joe is the best! He deserves free food! Joe is the best! He’s always in a groove! Joe is the best! He is such a dude!”
Link to previous news issue (#13)
Link to next news issue (#15)