S.R news issue 15

“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 15, APRIL 6, 2012                                                                            Index: 1-2International  3 South Republic  4 Business  5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries  9-10 Letters and map


International Section


Costing an astounding $4540, Joe’s palace is a sight to behold. It is made out of wooden planks, and has six rooms! He says “I had to murder one of my builders because he was conspiring against me diabolically! But the other ones were good so I let them live.” Two guards armed with knives are constantly on watch for all the people that want to murder Joe. Not surprisingly, another two citizens moved out of Joe’s Fun Club last week, bringing the total population down to 21.

South Republic Section


Another game of Murderball was played at the South Republic jail. The South Republic team, the Manglers, was beaten by Groinland’s Hurters. Although the game was close to a tie for the first half, one of the Manglers yelled an insult to the Hurters and the Hurters started to play more roughly. That led them to get more point from their Hitter, and narrowly beat the Manglers. There was one fatality and four injuries, three of which are serious. Most importantly, one of the Mangler’s star players (Jeff Smasher) was almost killed. He will be in the hospital for at least a few weeks while the Manglers get a replacement.

Final: 16 Hurters / 12 Manglers


The gunsmith of the South Republic found his apprentice asleep at work, and decided to replace him with someone else. His friends have complained, saying he should have given the apprentice another chance, but the gunsmith did not change his mind.

The new apprentice is rather green, and will take two or three weeks to train, so expect decreased output from the SR Gun Shop.


Internationally, not a whole lot has changed since last week. Joe’s Fun Club has been shrinking for a long time, and now it only has 22 people in it! It will not be a surprise if the country just collapses from its own weight.

Groinland has been doing well, and sales from the GCC (Groinland Cutlery Corp.) have been higher.

The South Republic economy has been revving up more lately. The warmer weather has led to increased tourism, and a better overall mood for buying and selling.

The debt has not been shrinking all though, and I have some bad news in that department. Firstly, as you have read, the SRGS (S.R Gun Shop) will be making fewer firearms, which will lead to a slower economy. They should get rolling again when the apprentice gets trained, though.

I do not honestly expect the economy to recover from buying the calves a few weeks ago until they are sold as meat. When that happens, we may be better off or doing just as well as before the calves were bought. That is a mystery, though.


-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 104

-CATTLE FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only two guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 2
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $858 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1275 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2920  (+$417)


WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!


Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!


Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting.

Letters to the Editor:
“I am so sick of the national debt! It is slowly creeping lower and lower, like a horrible cockroach! Gross! Every time I read this ridiculous paper, I find the debt is BIGGER and BIGGER! Oh God! NO! It’s almost at three thousand dollars! NO!!! I can’t survive it! It’s TOO MUCH!”

-Joel Compton

“Hey, did you ever think of reading a book? It’s a great thing to do. Sometimes, when I read a book, I just feel in the mood to eat it up like a nice little 198-page cherry pie. Yum yums. Then, I wanna wash it like the pie dish, because pie crumbs are dirty. Grossness. My favorite book is probably a cookbook, because cookbooks taste so nice. They taste like food. Some cookbooks taste like the food they’re about, and some don’t. How stupid!”



Link to previous news issue (#14)

Link to next news issue (#16)

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