S.R news issue 16

“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 16, APRIL 14, 2012                                                                            Index: 1 International 2-3 South Republic  4 Business  5-8 Ads 9 Obituaries  10-11 Letters and map

Tag as humor, news, funny news, secret, movie ban, Joe’s Secret Club, and despot.

International Section


Joe’s Fun Club has decided to merge together with another country- the Secreter’s Country. The name of the new country will be Joe’s Secret Club. Amazingly, we have just discovered the Secreter’s Country because they have stayed under the radar for such a long time. The population and other data from the Secreter’s Country is missing, so it is unknown if it’s a threat to the South Republic at the moment. However, it probably is, because Joe’s Fun Club was considered a threat, even though it only had a population of  22 people.

South Republic Section


A new movie by acclaimed director Matt Goshburper has just come out, but no one will be legally watching it in the South Republic, because the Mayor and Senate voted 8-2 to ban the movie. The name of the movie is “The Art of Murdering” and it is about the bizarre ways in which people murder each other. The film uses several examples and says at the end “Murdering is pretty fun! You should try it sometime! I haven’t found a better hobby in my whole life!” At press time, there are no serious protests to legalize the movie. Mayor Kelspie commented on the matter, saying: “Murder is one of the worst crimes imaginable. Painting a picture that murder is somehow a ‘good’ or ‘amusing’ activity is simply ridiculous. I can hardly believe this movie isn’t a joke!” Most Conservatives and Farmers agree with him, although a few Liberals and Groiners disagree.


In the South Republic Gun Shop, the new apprentice will be promoted to Gunsmith Assistant in a few days. He has shown tremendous ability in gunsmithing, and exceeded the owner’s expectations. Once he is promoted, the shop will once again be producing just as many firearms as it typically does.


Internationally, the union between Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country will be good for both of them. That scares me. Although Joe’s Fun Club only was hardly a threat, they may get overly aggressive because of overconfidence in their power. Also, the Secreter’s Country may have secret weapons or blueprints that could cause damage if used against the South Republic.

Groinland is selling even more knives. I honestly hope the G.C.C gets replaced by an industry that cannot murder people. Knife production in a country like Groinland can only mean murder, murder, and more murder. However, it is beneficial for their economy.

The South Republic economy is still going downhill. The primary reason for this is the cattle industry. Even ten head of cattle can cause a temporary debt in our country. Next year, though, the South Republic will hopefully be big enough to not be susceptible to such trivial problems.


-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing quite well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 101                                                                                                                                                                                                                BEEF FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only four guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 4
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $858 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1315 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $3377 ($450)


WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!


For a long time, bird watching has been popular. Now, there is the new and improved version- Reptile Watching! Look at lizards, geckos, salamanders and more! Meet up with other Reptile Watchers! Learn special reptile noises and how to call reptiles. Maybe even try to complete the famous “Reptile Watcher’s List!”


Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation! Make money! Make enemies! Funness!


Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Someone named Liam Diver died from drowning in a swimming pool. He apparently got tired and the lifeguard was busy flirting with someone. Meanwhile, Liam Diver drowned. Too bad.

Letters to the Editor:
“Oh my GOD! The debt is even BIGGER! NO! I am going to move to Canada instead! Wait a second… they have an even HUGER debt! Maybe I’ll move to the U.S.A…. NOOO! They have a 6 TRILLION DOLLAR DEBT! I’m going to murder myself! I swear! …… I just hope Heaven doesn’t also have a debt…. OH NOOO!”

-Joel Compton

“Hey, did you ever think of how many laws there are? I mean, there’s like millions of them! Laws about lots of stupid things. Like how about the fact that you can’t take the door ringer out of a car? How about the fact that you can’t slander people? I think it’s stupid that you can’t sell moonshine! Seriously! Get a life! It’s not like moonshine ever made anyone drunk or anything! God darn it!”



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