Jackson was sick of his workplace and his boss. He needed a drink. After a long day at the patent office he’d seen more than enough hydraulic defibrillators to fill up more than a few lives worth of boredom. The sun was setting. A cold wind from the north crept onto Jackson’s arm. A shiver went down his spine. He wasn’t about to go into any old bar, he needed somewhere interesting. Somewhere dark and shadowy.
After a few minutes of searching, he found the place on a decrepit street corner, which was one even more abandoned-looking than one Jackson had ever seen before in Mississippi. It had seemed to have just popped into existence. A faded neon sign peeked out from a dusty window. Inside, there was one fifty watt bulb and nothing else to scare away the darkness. At the counter was an old man with a curved mustache.
He looked older than fifty, with the scars to match with his earlier job as a ranch hand. Jackson cleared his throat and asked for a double of whisky. The man at the counter grunted and reluctantly followed Jackson’s request.
It took a few sips of the drink to realize that there was someone else in the bar. He was tall and wiry, hiding in the corner of the pub. A large cowboy hat covered up his head. Something inexplicable told Jackson to move over to the mysterious person’s table. He waited a few tense moments, then got up slowly and sat down next to the man. At a snail’s pace, he looked up at Jackson and studied him intently and cautiously.
“I know who you are. You’re that man Jackson, aren’t you?”
Jackson was taken aback.
“How’d you know my name?”
“Ya learn things around here. Not just the regular cow manure in the big bars. Real stuff.”
Jackson awkwardly cleared his throat again.
“So what’s your name?” The man took a pause from his moonshine, and responded slowly.
“My name’s Tommy Johnson, and I’m the best storyteller this lil’ town’s ever known.”
“So what do you tell?”
He laughed in Jackson’s face, a few drops of the beer spilling onto it.
“I’ll start right ‘ere. I can tell you got some time on your hands. So I’ll start off with somethin’ a little unique. You seem like an interesting guy.” He didn’t know, but Jackson was about to be plunged intermittently into a psychedelic world of delirium and insanity.
Chapter 1: Populumama
“It was a hot summer day and the good time for a nice family get-together. My mother was wearing a pretty blue shawl while my father wore a black trench coat. My two brothers, Gilbert and Steven were both looking good as well as my sister Vivian. Ma and Pa were there, looking just as old as they’ve always looked.
The eight of us entered ‘Popolumama’ which at the time was the most famous popcorn restaurant in town. You could smell popcorn in the air and you could see all the waiters and waitresses dancing around all day. It was pretty nice. After we were seated we began our usual chit-chat, usually discussing politicians and the price of beans. My family is not the kind of group who thrives on weirdness. Simplicity and boring everyday routine represent us as best as anything.
Suddenly the door burst open and a man walked in. Actually, I’m not sure that “man” would describe this thing. He had a godawful lot of facial features. He had six eyes, six ears, and six mouths. Good lord. He was also carrying a small baby boy in his arms. Then the most outrageous thing happened. He sat down at our table without asking. As he made contact with the chair he let out a burp and sighed in a horrible way directly afterward.
“I’m Magic Man!” he declared loudly. At this point both of my parents had fainted and were lying on the floor. This was weird because my dad’s got an iron stomach. My brothers and sister looked shocked and my parents looked uncomfortable and unbelieving, as if they were dreaming. No one responded to Magic Man’s greeting.
Magic Man then called for a waitress and ordered a big bowl of popcorn with shrimp and fish oil drizzled on it. He was one heck of a freak. When she left, Magic Man grinned at me with his six mouths. When his popcorn came he began deliberately shoving it into someone’s baby’s mouth. He wouldn’t stop. He just kept shoving and shoving and laughing hysterically. Meanwhile, the baby was playing with one of Magic Man’s mouths.
“Ha ha ha! Jake is stealing my popcorn,” Magic Man bellowed.
“Did you know that Jake is this baby? Well he is! Ha ha ha! Oh Jake! He’s the best boyfriend in the world. We’ve been dating for a couple of days now.” I was shocked. Magic Man had interpreted his shoving popcorn in Jake’s mouth as Jake stealing it. Also, Magic Man was dating a baby, which was totally and completely wrong. My parents came to and fled the room as quickly as possible.
“Why do you have so many mouths?” I asked him.
“All the better to eat you with!”
“Why do you have so much failure?”
“Lol,” said Magic Man. He screamed and began chasing my brothers and sister around the room. After catching Gilbert he started biting his leg with four of his mouths. Vivian and Steven grabbed the crying and hurt Gilbert and left the restaurant. It was now only me and Magic Man, since the waitresses were also gone. I didn’t know how to deal with such an unhinged psychopath.
Then there was a loud explosion and the glass restaurant doors shattered onto the ground. I jumped. An incredibly muscular man stood in there doorway, playing on a Nintendo DS. He looked like the cover of a muscle magazine.
The man then looked up proudly and yelled, “Hi everyone, I’m Muscle Man!” Magic Man stood up and walked cautiously towards Muscle Man.
“Hello,” Magic Man said with an extra toothy grin. “How many steroids?”
“Hi,” Muscle Man responded, paying no attention to Magic Man but continuing to play his DS game. “Oh yes!” Muscle Man bellowed, “I won the game! Uh huh that’s right! You heard me correctly the first time! Oh yeah!” It was quite amusing to watch this obnoxious beast of a man. I could barely believe that he didn’t smush the DS from his strength. Magic Man grabbed the DS and struggled with Muscle Man for possession of it. Eventually Magic Man won somehow and ran into the southeast corner of the restaurant, huddling himself together and putting the DS directly in front of one of his many ears.
“Hey you!” screamed Muscle Man, “give me back my DS or I’ll smash you to death!”
“No!” cried Magic Man, “you’re going to forget that you ever had a DS. You’ll even forget you ever needed money, too! Ha ha ha!” Then Muscle man roared and began hurling chairs towards Magic Man, but he never made contact with the six-eyed weirdo. His anger must have made him inaccurate. I hid under the table, trying to avoid death.
“This game is in 4D!” Magic Man declared. “Did you know that video games were created in the 1800s? Well they were!” He seemed to be acting annoying on purpose, just to aggravate Muscle Man. CRASH! Another chair crashed into the wall, knocking a painting of a woman sitting in a pile of fruit crashing to the ground. Magic Man began talking again. “YES! I beat another level. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!”CRASH! A chair broke a window and I heard a shriek from outside. Magic Man continued his incomprehensible ranting.
“All the levels are the same. You just keep shooting and everything blows up! Ha ha ha! Boom boom! I just go onto you! I just go onto your level nine! Tricky Buttons.” What in God’s name was this maniac talking about? CRASH! Muscle Man hurled a chair into the kitchen causing a huge fireball to explode and blow up half of the roof. I prayed that I wouldn’t be killed shortly.
“I want my DS game back now!” Muscle man screeched, breaking the glass on all the windows that were remaining. I heard sirens outside. Police started to surround the restaurant.
“Tricky Buttons,” Magic Man whispered and giggled quietly. Next, Muscle Man hurled himself into Magic Man and grabbed the DS from him. “Ok, ok,” Magic Man began, “you can have your DS game back now. I already beat all of the levels anyway.” he laughed again.
“No you didn’t you freak!” Muscle Man cried and raised his fist. Magic Man then grotesquely stuck the top of his head into Muscle Man, and placed his hands on the strong man’s chest. He then slowly but surely pushed Muscle Man out of the restaurant. Muscle man slapped Magic Man in the face, the force of the blow sending him twenty feet back into the restaurant. Muscle Man jumped on top of a nearby building. One of the police shot him but it didn’t do any good. Muscle Man had got away.
Then, just as I was about to leave and as Magic Man began feeding Jake popcorn again, another man walked into the room. He grinned at Magic Man.
“My name is Jeans,” he said. “and I’m going to steal your pants.”
“How did you get in with the police everywhere?” asked Magic Man. What occurred afterward was quite shocking. Jeans began chasing Magic Man around the broken down popcorn restaurant. Both of them were constantly yelping during the chase like dogs. Eventually, Jeans grabbed Magic Man’s pants and somehow pulled them off in one swipe. Magic Man was wearing a pair of uncomfortable wooden underwear that must have been from Holland. They had the words ‘Magic Man’ written in block letters on them. Magic Man began laughing heartily and just afterward Jeans began guffawing. After a good laugh, they sat down in a couple of chairs and relaxed.
“Hey you, teenager boy,” Magic Man started, “Pants or Jeans or whatever name you got. Wanna hear a story?”
“You better believe I do!” Jean exclaimed jumping out of his seat. And so Magic Man told Jean his bizarre tale.
Chapter 2: Magic Man’s Story
“Please bring Elgis Weufdas to Ward 3, Elgis Weufdas to Ward 3, thank you,” the intercom
bellowed, practically bursting Bobby’s eardrums. Bobby Short Guy was a mental patient in Phatlicks institution for the mentally deranged. He had been in the hospital for a couple of years now after he had gone berserk and shot his wife when they were hunting. He thought they would think the deer shot her but they figured out that he had.
Bobby had one roommate by the name of Robby Tall Guy. It was Tuesday and that was the day when Bobby and Robby usually engaged in their usual talking routine.
“Do you like remote control toys?” Bobby asked Robby.
“YES!” Robby cried out, “I LOVE THEM!” Robby had the habit of shouting all the time.
“Ha ha ha ha ha!” Bobby cackled, “you’re a scream, Robby Tall Guy!” Robby began making some unusual guttural noises and rolled on the floor. Bobby banged his fists on the wall.
“Hey Robby,” Bobby began, “you must be only about 4 feet and 11 inches right?” Strangely, Robby was actually about 6 feet tall.
“YES BOBBY I’M ONLY 4 FEET AND 11 INCHES BUT I WANT TO BE 8 FEET WHEN I GROW UP!” Robby responded. Another interesting fact was that Robby wasn’t actually growing any taller. He was an adult.
“Well Robby, you still have lots of growing time. By the time you’re 21 you might be over 5 feet. I don’t know about 8 feet though,” Bobby explained.
“I NEED MORE GAS BOBBY” Robby whined. Bobby sighed and flung his hands up into the air.
“Gosh Robby!” Bobby said in an exasperated tone, “just eat some beans and you’ll get truckloads of gas!” Robby then pulled an imaginary bucket of beans out of his shoe and began aggressively shoving them into his mouth. “You know Robby,” Bobby sighed, “we’ll never be able to find the rainbow car and I doubt we’ll ever be able to crash into it either.” Robby looked up from his bean bucket.
“HAVE A LITTLE FAITH BOBBY,” Robby scolded. “SOMETIMES YOU’RE JUST TOO DANGED NEGATIVE!” Bobby rolled his eyes.
Suddenly one of the nurses came into their room with a strange looking man. This man had six eyes, six noses, six mouths, and six ears!
“Robby and Bobby,” the nurse cooed, “this is Magic Man. He’s going to be your new roommate.” The nurse left and Magic Man slowly walked into the room.
“Hi,” Magic man declared and stood directly in front of Bobby and Robby. “Actually, I have six of something else, too. I’m not telling you what it is. Lol. Parents really shouldn’t exclude their children from smoking you know,” Magic Man continued. Bobby and Robby just stared at him, not moving a single muscle.
“What are you looking at, you teenager boys?” Magic Man asked while scoffing. Bobby and Robby just nodded their heads. “Ha ha ha!” Magic Man laughed, “you teenager boys are such freaks! I think I’m going to put a permanented spell on the both of you. Abacadabra hocus pocus foo yoo DS game, Muscle Man, tricky buttons, baby boyfriends, I now cast the permanented spell on you! You now cannot move anything except for whatever you use to breathe. And your eyes. You may speak as well, so your mouth can move. Every 20 seconds flashing blue strobe lights will be radiated from your bodies. Also, I declare you husband and husband! You may kiss the groom!”
Then without doing anything, Robby and Bobby both noticed that they couldn’t move their bodies an inch! They could only breathe and move their mouths and eyes. A flashing blue strobe light radiated from each of them.
“Ha ha ha. The spell has now been put upon you and you cannot break it unless I give permission,” Magic Man chuckled. Bobby and Robby began yelling for help but Magic Man left the room by breaking the door in half with another permanented spell. The door was metal and supposedly unbreakable. A small baby boy came from around a corner and crawled towards Magic Man.
“Oh look!” Magic Man exclaimed, “this baby can be my next boyfriend! Ha ha ha! I’m going to name him Jake. We are going to be the cutest couple on earth!” Magic Man then lifted the baby up and ran down the hallway and out of the hospital. Bobby and Robby never saw Magic Man again for the rest of their lives.
“Hey Robby,” Bobby whispered, “I hate Magic Man. He sucks. But since we can’t move, wanna hear a story?”
“YES BOBBY, OF COURSE I WANT TO HEAR A STORY!” Robby responded enthusiastically.
“Well, I left a listening device near Robby and Bobby, so I know what their story is,” laughed Magic Man evilly.