The Magical Muscular Excursion (delirium part 3)

Book 2: The Magical Muscular Excursion

link to Delirium part 1 in case you want to read it first

magic man

Once upon a time, Magic Man felt like he should go to Norway, because there are lots of strange people in Norway, like him. So Magic Man went to the airport. People looked at him strangely as he walked by, which was normal considering he had six eyes, six ears, and six mouths. Magic Man was wearing a metal ring which he realized would set off the security scanner. When Magic Man went through the security scanner, he decided to cast a permanented spell on it so it wouldn’t notice the ring. “I make you dumb. You can’t notice anything anymore.” Magic man waved his hands around very stupidly, but dramatically. Unfortunately, a terrorist was right behind Magic Man in the line, and he easily brought his plane bomb right through that scanner, because the spell was permanented. So far, the terrorist’s day had gone very well. Once he got on the plane, Magic Man sat next to a hunter wearing camouflage. He looked bored. Magic Man started to converse with him. “Hey hunter dude, what did you get?” “Huh?” the hunter dude noticed him. “Oh. I just shot a coyote. I ate it after. I fried it up and it tasted pretty good.” replied the hunter. “Did you drill a hole through its head and pull out the brain, and yell I GOT A BRAIN!?” inquired Magic Man. “No.” The hunter rolled his eyes and drifted to sleep. Afterward, Magic Man twisted his head around to see which eye could get the best view of the ground from the sky. He got bored of that and then tried to figure out which of his ears had better hearing. When he was done with that, Magic Man realized that he was awesome at everything he did. Magic Man noticed that the hunter dude was pulling out a sketchbook. He started to draw a picture of an ATV. “Hey Hunter Dude? What is that?” asked Magic Man. “It’s my All-Terrain Vehicle.” replied the hunter dude, proud of it. Magic man continued to probe. “How do you draw?” “Umm, you use the pencil and scratch the paper and make marks.” “Where’s the draw?” inquired Magic Man. “What?” The hunter dude was starting to get annoyed. “How do you color draw?” “I’m not talking to you anymore.” said the hunter dude. Shortly, Muscle Man barged in. He started shouting. “I had to sit next to this fat man and I didn’t like it! He smelled like poop! Gross!” Suddenly, Muscle Man pulled out his Nintendo DS and started playing it. He banged the buttons loudly.

muscle man

“I got a point! Yes!” he yelled at the top of his lungs. “Hey, Magic Man! What have you been doing? I thought you were working at Populumama! What the heck happened?” “No. I’m going to Norway because of the magical mysteries.” replied Magic Man. “Weird. I’m going there because of the gyms! They have the heaviest weights in the world in Norway.” said Muscle Man. “Muscle Man, I have a question.” said Magic Man, seriously. “What is it?” “What are the things you can do?” replied Magic Man. “I don’t really know. You can go to the gym.” said Muscle Man. “You can hunt coyotes” butted in Hunter Dude. “You can also bomb planes!” shouted the terrorist from the back of the plane. He stood up. Magic Man giggled to himself. “What sorts of things can you eat?” asked Magic Man, curious. “Protein bars.” suggested Muscle Man, who never ate anything else. “Coyotes and deer.” said the hunter. “Halal hummus and flatbread. And also kheer and goat!” shouted the terrorist, from the back of the plane. “Hey hunter dude man.” Magic Man added. “What’s a razor?” Hunter Dude grumbled. “A razor is for shaving.” “Isn’t a razor some kind of race car? I thought it was.” replied Magic Man, very confused. “No.” “Then what’s a razor, actually?” asked Magic Man, again. “It can be different depending on what kind of razor you’re talking about.” answered the hunter dude. “Why are they different?” asked Magic Man. “Because people have different personalities, and they use different types of razors depending on them. Like girls use stupid pink razors and I use a straight razor.” said the hunter. “Aren’t there different types because people have different bodies?” asked Magic Man. “Not really.” replied Hunter Dude, getting annoyed. “What if a razor had sharp rotating blades to chop things?” said Magic Man out of the blue. He laughed. “And what if a razor was a knife?” he added. Suddenly, the plane speaker went on. “We will be flying over Scotland now. We are more than halfway done on the trip to Norway. Look at how pretty Scotland is if you feel like it.” “So Hunter Dude, you are Razor Dude. And Muscle Man, you’re Eraser Dude. You can erase anything, even Razor Dude.” explained Magic Man. “You’re Razor Dude because you talk about razors. And you’re Eraser Dude because you look like an eraser.” “Cool. That’s awesome.” said Eraser Dude. (who used to be Muscle Man) “Hmm.” Said Razor Dude. (previously Hunter Dude) Suddenly, the terrorist got up and yelled loudly. “I have a bomb and I will blow up this whole plane unless the flight attendants can give me a golden crown and a staff! I also want a golden pot of Turkish coffee, and some Halal hummus!” he screamed. People waited for a second, tensely. The captain spoke over the loudspeaker. “I’m sorry. We can’t do that. We don’t have Turkish coffee. But if you want American coffee, you can have as much as you want.” “Then the plane is going down!” shouted the terrorist, even louder than usual. The terrorist pressed the button on his jeans, and blew up the bomb. Right before the blast hit Magic Man, Eraser Dude saved him by grabbing Magic Man and jumping him out of the window. Eraser Dude grabbed him during the ensuing free fall. When they hit the ground, Eraser Dude’s muscles protected them both from the fall, but Eraser Dudes’ DS broke into five thousand and fifty-two pieces. Eraser dude cried. Razor Dude jumped out the plane following Eraser Dude and Magic Man, and expected to fall to his death. However, just like Magic Man had said, Eraser Dude could erase Razor Dude. So that was what he did. Right before Razor Dude hit the ground and splatted, Eraser Dude erased him into eternity so he didn’t have to die in pain. “Too bad Razor Dude is dead. He was fun.” said Magic Man, regretfully. “I wish we could give him a funeral, but since we erased him, it’s impossible.” replied Eraser Dude. “Now we’re in Scotland.” said Magic Man. Magic Man and Eraser Dude walked towards Edinburgh for a while. After a few minutes, Eraser Dude got sick of the countryside and started long-jumping huge, thirty-feet jumps as quickly as he could. Magically, Magic Man could keep up with Eraser Dude. After a few more minutes, the pair found an empty red car parked on a lonely country road. Eraser Dude jumped in the front seat, and waited. Magic Man hopped in beside him and casted a permanented spell to turn the car on. They took off at a blistering speed, burning rubber. “I don’t know how to drive” Eraser Dude admitted after a few minutes. “It’s easy. You’re supposed to speed. Don’t worry about the left and right. They don’t matter. Just go forward and speed.” answered Magic Man, helpfully. They drove on for a long time, then Eraser Man got tired and Magic Man took the wheel from the passenger’s seat. The seats were opposite, though, because of Scotland. He didn’t drive any better than Eraser Man. They started to come across small towns, since they were not totally in the country anymore. “You know, I could knock somebody down with an eraser.” said Eraser Man randomly. He took an eraser out of his pocket and shoved it into Magic Man’s face. “Oww!” screeched Magic Man, sounding like he was getting murdered. He waved his hands around furiously. At that moment, they blew past a red light in the small town they were driving in. Car horns beeped madly. Eraser Dude jammed the eraser up Magic Man’s nose. “I could suffocate someone with an eraser!” Eraser Dude stated proudly. Magic Man screamed like a dying dog. His face banged into the window repeatedly. Magic Man’s hands punched random parts of the car. He didn’t drive. The car suddenly crashed into a police car. When the cars stopped skidding, the policeman came up to the window. Smoke poured out of the radiator. “What happened? Why are you such a jerk? And why do you have six mouths?” asked the cop. “All the better to taste you with!” replied Magic Man, sticking out his tongues. “I’m fining you two thousand dollars for car damages.” You have to pay it in two weeks. Also, you have to go to prison if you taste a constable.” “Oh no!” said Magic Man. “I was a lot happier when all the cannibals were dead!” The policeman went back into his unscathed car and drove away. Then, Magic Man whispered secretly to Eraser Dude. “It was your fault, and now I have to get in trouble. How do you think I feel?” He was furious. However, since Magic Man could not be mad for very long, he jumped into the back seat and started crying in a depressed huddle. Eraser Dude discovered to his dismay that the car was broken. “This car won’t drive,” he said to Magic Man. “Shut up,” replied Magic Man. Eraser Dude punched the steering wheel, breaking it in half. He took the separate half and jammed it up Magic Man’s nose into his brain. “How does THIS feel, Magic Dude?” he shouted venomously. Magic Man went into a coma. Eraser dude started to sob when he realized what had just happened. He shook Magic Man, telling him to wake up. Just as all hope was lost, Eraser Dude glimpsed a button on the side of Magic Man’s head. He pressed it. Magic Man convulsed rapidly, and several small lighting bolts flew out of his body. “You found the reset button! I thought I would be dead forever. Thanks,” said Magic Man, back to normal. “Is that what it is?” asked Eraser Dude. “Cool.” Magic Man cast a permanented spell to make the radiator radiate. It would never stop, so the car could never be completely turned off in the future. After that, Eraser Dude drove on until they came into another town, then they came upon another intersection. They crashed into a car, again, because Eraser Man didn’t know where the brake was. The car broke down, and the bottom of the engine started to smoke. The two freaks walked out of the car and leaned on the trunk. The Scotsman who had gotten his car hit in the accident also got out of his car. He walked towards the place where Eraser Man was getting a breath of fresh air. “What do you think you were doing? You almost kilt me!” “I’m Eraser Man!” said Eraser Dude, pulling out his snotty eraser. The Scotsman grabbed it and ate it in one bite. “That’s what I think of you, you warty hog.” Magic Man interrupted. “Scottish people’s livers have an extra twist at the end because of all the weird things they eat.” “Shut up.” said the Scottish man. “Scottish people eat erasers and hearts. And livers, so their livers are extra huge.” replied Magic Man. “Lol.” “I said shut up!” replied the Scottish man, losing his temper. “Scottish people skin people so they’re not dead but they can’t let girls see them because you can see right through them and you can see their cajones.” said Magic Man, trying even harder than usual to be an annoying pain in the butt. “That’s what I’ll do to you two in a second.” The Scottish man said, pulling out a huge folding Bowie knife. He held it, eyes lighting up with fury. The man violently stabbed the huge knife into one of Magic Man’s eyes. “NOO!” said Magic Man, awkwardly holding his hands up like Lady Gaga. “That’s like a sword knife, though. Cool.” He snickered. The man was amazed Magic Man wasn’t dead, although he was bleeding. “Permanented spell!” shouted Magic Man. Suddenly, the Scottish man turned into a very imposing statue. Magic Man pulled the knife out of his eye. “Ouch!” he said. “I’m blind!” Magic Man fell over and bled more. Eraser Dude didn’t know first aid. “No you’re not blind.” said Eraser Dude. Magic Man died a few seconds later. Eraser Dude pressed the reset button, and after a minor seizure, Magic Man stood up again. “Okay. That’s true. I’m not blind.” replied Magic Man. “Let’s get out of here” said Eraser Dude. “Wait a second, Eraser Dude. You are Muscle Man now, because your eraser is gone. Now the eraser is in the statue of that sword knife guy.” “Okay.” replied Muscle Man. “Let’s go find the airport.” After that, they got on the plane to Norway. Muscle Man lifted 1500 pounds and Magic Man discovered some of the magical mysteries he had heard about. It was a nice trip. That’s what happened when Magic Man and Muscle Man went to Scotland and Norway, and it’s also how Magic Man lost two eyes and died and almost died again. At least until he changed the eye situation with a permanented spell.

The End.


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