List of American figures of speech

English is a strange language using many exaggerations and metaphors, especially in some particular dialects.Here is a list of some of the foremost figures of speech used in America:

General American figures of speech:

“falling in love,”  “racking our brains,”  “hitting a sales target,”   “climbing the ladder of success”  “hotter than Hell”  “A bull in a china shop”  “We have to let you go.” Read: You’re fired.  “You’re well fed.” Read: You’re fat.   “To a T”, exactly

Southeastern Figures of Speech:

If you don’t stop that crying, I’ll give you something to cry about! (Usually resulted in a spanking, making us cry more)
If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass when he jumped. (resulted from our saying IF too much)
Close that NEWmonia hole. (close the window)
Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower! (usually followed by: “Go get me a switch.”)
Don’t you make eyes at me, boy! (if we rolled our eyes)
On opinions: “Opinions are like assholes, some are just louder and smellier than others.”

He’s so clumsy he’d trip over a cordless phone.
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.
He couldn’t carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.
She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.
It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.
NO!! I AM NOT FALLING ASLEEP!! I was just checking for holes in my eyelids.

‘Bill’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!

They don’t have a pot to piss in. “Piss Poor”

 higher than a Georgia pine (drunk)
I’m fixin’ to go down the road a piece (I’m going down the road for a short distance.)
Well, I’ll just swaney! (Well, I’ll be darned.)
Don’t go off with your pistol half cocked. (Don’t get mad unless you have all the facts.)
We better git on the stick! (We better get started.)
Somebody beat him with the ugly stick. (He’s not very good looking.)
I’ll knock you so hard you’ll see tomorrow today. (You’re gonna get it!)

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Cowboy Figures of Speech:

1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
   Self-explanatory.

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
   Not very generous.

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
   All talk and no action.

4. WE’VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN’T SHOOK YET.
   We’ve made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
   He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT’S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN’ THE DOGS.
   We really could use a little rain around here.

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A Cowlick

Ryder sat on the porch, on a whitewashed, reclining Adirondack chair. Ryder wore a black felt cowboy hat and beat-up brown leather vest. His hair was in a disarray and a tuft of it stood up constantly no matter how much he tried to press it down.
One hand rested gently upon the right arm of the chair, and the other held an antique pipe filled with burning tobacco. He let out a large cloud of smoke, briefly pretending to be a dragon. There was a moment of stillness. The bugs and birds in the surrounding fields sung the never-ending song of summer.
He moved one foot on top of the other and crossed his legs. His face contained so many valleys and depressions that a miniature Civil War battle could easily be fought on it.
The man took another puff, slowly sucking the warm air out of the pipe and keeping it inside for a few seconds until it started to burn. Off in the distance, there was a hollow tapping sound. Ryder had heard it before.
Must be a woodpecker,” he mumbled quietly. Talking to himself provided the rare opportunity to converse with someone who never lied or argued. It was relaxing.
He listened, and heard a different sound. Then it stopped. It was so quiet, it almost didn’t exist.
Must be makin’ it up,” he thought. “My ears ring sometimes anyways.”
He uncrossed his legs and shook one foot from side to side slowly. There was the sound of a car off in the distance.
Bet the preacher is comin’ home from his church meeting,” Ryder thought. “Sounds like his car.”
Ryder took a pinch of the material in his jeans and rubbed it back and forth, listening to the rough scratching fabric sound. He always made sure all his clothes were tough and durable.
Wonder how the meeting went. Wonder if he’ll ever get that roof fixed proper.” Ryder remembered when a torrent of water started to pour directly on Old Lady Marie’s head halfway through the Sunday service.
Then, there was the sound again. Quiet, but existent. Ryder put out his pipe and stood himself up, holding onto the chair arms. He walked around the perimeter of his house to the opposite side, through the shuffling grass.
Darn you, Pete Miller,” he said, becoming increasingly angry. As he turned the last corner, he saw just what he had expected.
Eight of Pete Miller’s cows stuck their heads as far as they could go through the fence, just barely able to reach Ryder’s freshly-painted wall. They stuck their tongues out and took huge, wet licks on the side of the house. From their expression, you could tell they were enjoying the experience.
Get off my wall, cows!” yelled Ryder. Suddenly, the screen over the lowest window was bent and then taken off by the combined force of three cow tongues.
Ryder clapped loudly, and yelled again. The cows backed out of the fence hole and managed not to get injured by the barb wire. They ran away awkwardly, since cattle lack the natural grace of horses.
Them cows will lick my house till the Second Coming and afterwards,” thought Ryder, angrily. He jogged around to the front door, entered the house, and grabbed the truck keys.
Pete Miller’s got somethin’ coming for him,” thought Ryder. “If he don’t move that fence, I’m gonna kick his ass to where the sun don’t shine.“
After a five minute drive around the bend, Ryder arrived at his neighbor’s house. He turned the truck off and stepped out. There was nobody on the porch. Ryder kicked the dirt and walked up to the front door, knocking loudly.
Who is it?” asked Pete’s wife, Martha. Pete was nowhere to be seen. The door opened and Martha stood behind it. She was overweight, with brown curly hair and an apron. There was a smell of freshly-baked bread lingering in the air.
Go get Pete, tell him his cows are licking my house again.”
What?” asked Martha, clueless.
Where is he?”
Martha walked a short ways over to the basement door and yelled for Pete. After a good while, he heard footsteps. Ryder was quite impatient.
Pete, your cows have been up to no good,” declared Ryder solemnly.
What?”
They’ve been licking my house again. Every time I lay down for a minute of rest from all the work I do, there they go again, lickin’ and lickin’. They’ll lick right through to the inside of the house if we let this go on any longer.”
I’ve told ya before, neighbor. I don’t know why you would make this stuff up. Cows only lick each other. I’ve never seen anything like that in my whole life.”
Ryder had a disgusted expression on his face. His skin turned a shade redder.
I’m sick of all this, Pete. Hell would freeze over before I would lie about something this obscene! If you’re so sure of this, why don’t you come over and see with your own eyes?”
Sure. Might as well,” replied Pete sarcastically.
They left and got in the truck.
Yep. Don’t know what’s so wrong with them,” said Ryder, cooling down somewhat. Pete was quiet.
I just don’t want to pay any repairs. This is a new house.”
I still don’t believe you,” repeated Pete.
A few minutes later, they were back at Ryder’s. Walking through the weeds and tall grass, they got to the back of the house.
Huge sections of the new brown paint was abraded off as if it had been sandpapered. There were a few small clumps of hair hanging on the fence, too, which was bent slightly from the heavy weight of the bovines sticking their necks through it. The new window screen was laying on the ground, bent and broken. Fifty yards away, the cattle grazed innocently.
How the heck do you know that was from the cows and not the last storm?” argued Pete.
It just happened ten minutes ago; that’s why.”
Pete called his cow Bossie and she came walking slowly towards him.
Look here– I will ask her myself.” As she walked up to him, Pete asked Bossie in a mocking voice:
Did you do this?”
She snorted and sniffed his hand, her mouth tinged heavily with brown paint.

I’m publishing another book soon!

I have been working on a project secretively for a long time and this is the first public post about it.

The project is a compilation of short stories, but not just a clumsy copy-and-pasting of them, it is instead a well crafted alchemical mix where each part has its own role to play in the whole recipe.

One of the major themes in the book is the difference between the geographical parts of the USA.

I am working on the second draft right now, and will give more updates as the project progresses.

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There is a poll below if you would like to give some insights. Continue reading

Canada vs. America: Round 2 Fight!

The North:

in America, the North includes Alaska and possibly Minnesota. Alaska is an amazing place with many similarities to the Yukon except that it is slightly more Russian and father west. However, it does not compare to the size of the Canadian north.

in Canada includes the Yukon Northwest Territories Nunavut Quebec and also the tops of Ontario, Saskachewan, and Manitoba. These places have little law enforcement, super varying hours of sunlight, mosquitoes, harsh terrain, -50* cold, flies, and some of the toughest people around, since they can survive in such harsh lands. The Canadian North varies from pure ice in Nunavut to subarctic in the Southern Yukon.

Results:

America started the round quickly with a jab followed by a huge swinging right. Canada partially blocked the hook but was still hurt by it. Canada bounced back with no less than five big hitters in a row, of which America only blocked the first one. America got a black eye.

Previous Score was 3-2 America winning.

New score is 4-6 Canada winning.

Canada vs. America: Round 1 Fight!

Food:

Canada is known for a number of signature foods. Most of them appear to be on the lower-class side, like salt meat, donairs (sort of like wraps), those Winnipeg crazy burgers, vienna sausages, and (arguably) poutine. Some places, especially in Quebec, make amazing gourmet poutine, so that depends. Mcdonald’s poutine is much better than expected, though!

I’ve noticed brambleberry pie and Saskatoon berries to be pretty popular in the West, and good as well. Butter tarts and pecan tarts are  popular and extremely good, although you have to be in the right type of bakery to find them. Macaroni and Cheese is called “Kraft Dinner” and is a staple for kids and Baptist church meals. Tourtière is a meat pie made out of venison or pork. Bannock is an old-fashioned pioneer bread roasted over a fire, although it has modern incarnations as well. There are more signature Canadian foods but these are an introduction, at least.

America has invented dozens and dozens of different homegrown dishes. Often a small geographical change will change the food culture significantly. For example, Ohio and Kentucky, though right next to each other, have Midwestern and Southern tastes. In the Northeast, Weber’s mustard, maple syrup, fish fries, Ted’s hot dogs, barbeque to some extent, and delicious New York pizza are popular. In the Southeast, apple pie, fried green tomatoes, fried chicken, collard greens, cornbread and sweet potato casserole. And BBQ, especially in South Carolina and Texas. Southern food is somewhat popular in the North as well. Waffle House, Huddle House, Bojangle’s Biscuits, KFC, and many other chains had their start in the South. 

The Midwestern staples are Blue Moon ice cream, Chicago Deep Dish Pizza, Coney Island Hot Dogs, various meat sandwiches, and BBQ (again).  White Castle and Wendy’s started in Ohio.

In the Southwest, there is a lot of good Mexican food, and Texas has its own style and a lot of variety. Don’t be surprised if you can’t eat it all, cause Everything’s Bigger in Texas. California similarly has amazing Mexican food and is known for good healthy food such as sushi and salad as well.

Results:

Canada started off well with a few well-aimed punches, some of which were blocked by America and others made it thorough his defences. Though battered somewhat, America was just getting started and gave Canada a large uppercut, appropiately in the jaw.  

America wins 3-2.

Round Two is coming up!

Do you agree with the results? Comment!

Which state would you like to read about?

If I write another novel, I would like to know which states people find the most interesting. Generally, I have written about the South and the West in the past. I will probably keep with that theme in the future.