the quiet cave (experimental polylingual language)

Back in those days I was zheetin’ in the desert wid me n’ me droogs. It was real hot back in them dyeny.
The entieh weld had bin hit by a sun flayah.
Then visyo started gettin’ real insan. Insand as all heck.
Moy boge!So vi was zheetin’ in dis heah deset just tryin’ not to get smerted or kilt. There was dis malyenky little cave wheh we could git some shad from the old Sol. (the sun)
Well, the Sol was dis real wead oringe all day ee the sky had dis coating of chorny ugly black all o’er herself.
Moskay, it made me a malyenky bit queasy observin’ it.
Things was a little bit cooler because of all dis no it didn’t really help us all too much, in pravda.
So we had at first this vintovka that we would load up wid a couple slugs. Five I think. N’ we would shoot roos or whatever animalia would be zheetin about, out in the back. Vi would pyot ’em all and save some a their measa n’ salt it and brulee it fine.
Apray a while this pyotin’ and walkin’ and sleepin’ about in dis cave was too dam much and vi was real bored and chompin at the bit to do somethin’ else.
But we wasn’t sure how the weld was goin’ or anything because vi wouldn’t just be plompin around this cave for fun, it was seeryis business.
So we left out and walked in a sure direction and apray a good nacht’s journey we ended up where dis little ville was that we’d been to before back when we was malyenky boys.
The Sol was gettin high so we hid in the shad a’ dis wooden buildin’.
And Boge knoweth not but I saw my eld friend Tom walkin’ down the rod and I said hey and he was real scared but seed that it was just us and re-cognized us and all that and he started snakkin at us.
“It’s been a long tom! Where in the weld have you all bin, mine ven?”
“We was zheetin’ in a cave…”
“Sheetin’ in a kev? What?”
“Yep. Measa and sunlicht and hotness. Vi er all sick of it.”
“Well I don’t recco yall stayin’ out on this rod any longer ‘tween the Sol and the freezers and allah dem.”
“Freezahs?”
Tom harrumphed and laffed.
“They’ll rip the om rot off a muzh.”
“Well den.”
Tom stared blank.
“Yep.”
“So what should vi do?” I ask.
“Hod,” he said.
“N’ where are these freezahs,” I ask.
“Dey hod in holes,” said Tom. “Look out fer ’em.”
“Thunks,” I says.
“No problem,” said Tom. “See you next tom.”
So vi found dis buildin’ that was uninhabited n’ stayed round there for the day.
Then vi started snakkin with each other and tryin’ to deduce the beste way to get somewhere.
And I was just taenkin’ to myself how it is getting real boring in this weld waitin’ for something to happen and nothin’ going on at all. Except running into Tom.
No anyways we had wek to do.
So vi figured out to go, moskay, to a city where there might be some fodd to eat that’s better than the sach vi were getting so terribly sick of. I reckon I’ve pyoted enough snake and roo meat to last a couple lifetimes.
Well the nearest city was, like, real far away. Vi needed a plan.
“But we only got about seven slugs left for the vintovka,” said Leigh.
“Dam the vintovker!” I yelt.
“Then what’ll we use?” inquired Franz, shakin ‘is head real sad.

List of American figures of speech

English is a strange language using many exaggerations and metaphors, especially in some particular dialects.Here is a list of some of the foremost figures of speech used in America:

General American figures of speech:

“falling in love,”  “racking our brains,”  “hitting a sales target,”   “climbing the ladder of success”  “hotter than Hell”  “A bull in a china shop”  “We have to let you go.” Read: You’re fired.  “You’re well fed.” Read: You’re fat.   “To a T”, exactly

Southeastern Figures of Speech:

If you don’t stop that crying, I’ll give you something to cry about! (Usually resulted in a spanking, making us cry more)
If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass when he jumped. (resulted from our saying IF too much)
Close that NEWmonia hole. (close the window)
Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower! (usually followed by: “Go get me a switch.”)
Don’t you make eyes at me, boy! (if we rolled our eyes)
On opinions: “Opinions are like assholes, some are just louder and smellier than others.”

He’s so clumsy he’d trip over a cordless phone.
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.
He couldn’t carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.
She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.
It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.
NO!! I AM NOT FALLING ASLEEP!! I was just checking for holes in my eyelids.

‘Bill’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!

They don’t have a pot to piss in. “Piss Poor”

 higher than a Georgia pine (drunk)
I’m fixin’ to go down the road a piece (I’m going down the road for a short distance.)
Well, I’ll just swaney! (Well, I’ll be darned.)
Don’t go off with your pistol half cocked. (Don’t get mad unless you have all the facts.)
We better git on the stick! (We better get started.)
Somebody beat him with the ugly stick. (He’s not very good looking.)
I’ll knock you so hard you’ll see tomorrow today. (You’re gonna get it!)

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Cowboy Figures of Speech:

1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
   Self-explanatory.

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
   Not very generous.

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
   All talk and no action.

4. WE’VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN’T SHOOK YET.
   We’ve made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
   He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT’S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN’ THE DOGS.
   We really could use a little rain around here.

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