S.R news issue 17

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 17, APRIL 21, 2012                                                                            Index: 1 International 2-4 South Republic  5 Business  6-9 Ads 10 Obituaries  11-12 Letters and map

Tagged as humor, news, funny news, secret, movie ban, Joe’s Secret Club, and despot.

International Section

INFORMATION ON JOE’S SECRET CLUB REVEALED

Census data for Joe’s Secret Club has been leaked by an anonymous person working for the South Republic. The population of Joe’s Secret Club is currently 48. A lot of people there live underground, for extra secrecy. Because of the mix of people from Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country, there has been tension among Joe’s Secret Club. The two different types of citizens generally don’t talk to each other or socialize.

South Republic Section

JOEL COMPTON COMMITS SUICIDE

Joel Compton, a man known for complaining about debt, killed himself last Monday. He was living alone in his house. Joel left a note, which said he did it because he was sick of politics and national debt. This is presumed to be the first time a suicide has happened for that particular reason, at least in the South Republic.

PROTEST FOR BANNED MOVIE

The Liberal and Groin parties have organized a protest to legalize a recently-banned movie, “The Art of Murdering” Approximately twenty people showed up for the protest, and they carried signs and yelled about the movie. However, a poll showed that most of the populous in the South Republic approves the movie ban. Also, the mayor does not seem to have any plans to legalize the movie anytime soon.

GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE PROMOTED

In the South Republic Gun Shop, the new apprentice will be promoted to Gunsmith Assistant in a few days. He has shown tremendous ability in gunsmithing, and exceeded the owner’s expectations. Once he is promoted, the shop will once again be producing just as many firearms as it typically does.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, the union between Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country will be good for both of them. That scares me. Although Joe’s Fun Club only was hardly a threat, they may get overly aggressive because of overconfidence in their power. Also, the Secreter’s Country may have secret weapons or blueprints that could cause damage if used against the South Republic.

Groinland is selling even more knives. I honestly hope the G.C.C gets replaced by an industry that cannot murder people so easily. Knife production in a country like Groinland can only mean murder, murder, and more murder. However, it is beneficial for their economy, which means something.

The South Republic economy is still going downhill. The primary reason for this is the cattle industry. Even ten head of cattle can cause a temporary debt in our country. Next year, though, the South Republic will hopefully be big enough to not be susceptible to such trivial problems.

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing quite well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 101                                                                                                                                                                                                                         -BEEF FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                                   –FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only four guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 4
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $1200 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1315 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $3527 (+$150)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

REPTILE WATCHER’S CLUB

For a long time, bird watching has been popular. Now, there is the new and improved version- Reptile Watching! Look at lizards, geckos, salamanders and more! Meet up with other Reptile Watchers! Learn special reptile noises and how to call reptiles. Maybe even try to complete the famous “Reptile Watcher’s List!”

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation! Make money! Make enemies! Funness!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Liam Diver died from drowning in a swimming pool. He apparently got tired swimming while the lifeguard was busy flirting with someone. Meanwhile, Liam Diver drowned. Too bad.

Letters to the Editor:
“This newspaper sucks! I’m going to buy the Groinland News instead! They’re so much more interesting! You guys are boring and stupid! LOL!”

-Paul Ipsie

“Hey- what’s up? What are you doing? NO! I mean; what are you really doing? Lots of secretive activities, I’m sure! I need to know your secrets! Tell me and they will be even MORE secret! I keep secrets better than secrets keep me, because they don’t! Tell me and you won’t regret you secrets!”

-Talker

Map:

Link to previous news issue

Link to next news issue

Advertisements

S.R news issue 16

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 16, APRIL 14, 2012                                                                            Index: 1 International 2-3 South Republic  4 Business  5-8 Ads 9 Obituaries  10-11 Letters and map

Tag as humor, news, funny news, secret, movie ban, Joe’s Secret Club, and despot.

International Section

JOE ALLIES WITH SECRETERS

Joe’s Fun Club has decided to merge together with another country- the Secreter’s Country. The name of the new country will be Joe’s Secret Club. Amazingly, we have just discovered the Secreter’s Country because they have stayed under the radar for such a long time. The population and other data from the Secreter’s Country is missing, so it is unknown if it’s a threat to the South Republic at the moment. However, it probably is, because Joe’s Fun Club was considered a threat, even though it only had a population of  22 people.

South Republic Section

MOVIE BANNED IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

A new movie by acclaimed director Matt Goshburper has just come out, but no one will be legally watching it in the South Republic, because the Mayor and Senate voted 8-2 to ban the movie. The name of the movie is “The Art of Murdering” and it is about the bizarre ways in which people murder each other. The film uses several examples and says at the end “Murdering is pretty fun! You should try it sometime! I haven’t found a better hobby in my whole life!” At press time, there are no serious protests to legalize the movie. Mayor Kelspie commented on the matter, saying: “Murder is one of the worst crimes imaginable. Painting a picture that murder is somehow a ‘good’ or ‘amusing’ activity is simply ridiculous. I can hardly believe this movie isn’t a joke!” Most Conservatives and Farmers agree with him, although a few Liberals and Groiners disagree.

GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE PROMOTED

In the South Republic Gun Shop, the new apprentice will be promoted to Gunsmith Assistant in a few days. He has shown tremendous ability in gunsmithing, and exceeded the owner’s expectations. Once he is promoted, the shop will once again be producing just as many firearms as it typically does.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, the union between Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country will be good for both of them. That scares me. Although Joe’s Fun Club only was hardly a threat, they may get overly aggressive because of overconfidence in their power. Also, the Secreter’s Country may have secret weapons or blueprints that could cause damage if used against the South Republic.

Groinland is selling even more knives. I honestly hope the G.C.C gets replaced by an industry that cannot murder people. Knife production in a country like Groinland can only mean murder, murder, and more murder. However, it is beneficial for their economy.

The South Republic economy is still going downhill. The primary reason for this is the cattle industry. Even ten head of cattle can cause a temporary debt in our country. Next year, though, the South Republic will hopefully be big enough to not be susceptible to such trivial problems.

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing quite well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 101                                                                                                                                                                                                                BEEF FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only four guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 4
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $858 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1315 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $3377 ($450)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

REPTILE WATCHER’S CLUB

For a long time, bird watching has been popular. Now, there is the new and improved version- Reptile Watching! Look at lizards, geckos, salamanders and more! Meet up with other Reptile Watchers! Learn special reptile noises and how to call reptiles. Maybe even try to complete the famous “Reptile Watcher’s List!”

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation! Make money! Make enemies! Funness!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Liam Diver died from drowning in a swimming pool. He apparently got tired and the lifeguard was busy flirting with someone. Meanwhile, Liam Diver drowned. Too bad.

Letters to the Editor:
“Oh my GOD! The debt is even BIGGER! NO! I am going to move to Canada instead! Wait a second… they have an even HUGER debt! Maybe I’ll move to the U.S.A…. NOOO! They have a 6 TRILLION DOLLAR DEBT! I’m going to murder myself! I swear! …… I just hope Heaven doesn’t also have a debt…. OH NOOO!”

-Joel Compton

“Hey, did you ever think of how many laws there are? I mean, there’s like millions of them! Laws about lots of stupid things. Like how about the fact that you can’t take the door ringer out of a car? How about the fact that you can’t slander people? I think it’s stupid that you can’t sell moonshine! Seriously! Get a life! It’s not like moonshine ever made anyone drunk or anything! God darn it!”

-Talker

Map:

Link to previous news issue

Link to next news issue

S.R news issue 15

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 15, APRIL 6, 2012                                                                            Index: 1-2International  3 South Republic  4 Business  5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries  9-10 Letters and map

*

International Section

JOE’S PALACE COMPLETED

Costing an astounding $4540, Joe’s palace is a sight to behold. It is made out of wooden planks, and has six rooms! He says “I had to murder one of my builders because he was conspiring against me diabolically! But the other ones were good so I let them live.” Two guards armed with knives are constantly on watch for all the people that want to murder Joe. Not surprisingly, another two citizens moved out of Joe’s Fun Club last week, bringing the total population down to 21.

South Republic Section

MURDERBALL GAME- HURTERS DAMAGE MANGLERS!

Another game of Murderball was played at the South Republic jail. The South Republic team, the Manglers, was beaten by Groinland’s Hurters. Although the game was close to a tie for the first half, one of the Manglers yelled an insult to the Hurters and the Hurters started to play more roughly. That led them to get more point from their Hitter, and narrowly beat the Manglers. There was one fatality and four injuries, three of which are serious. Most importantly, one of the Mangler’s star players (Jeff Smasher) was almost killed. He will be in the hospital for at least a few weeks while the Manglers get a replacement.

Final: 16 Hurters / 12 Manglers

GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE REPLACED

The gunsmith of the South Republic found his apprentice asleep at work, and decided to replace him with someone else. His friends have complained, saying he should have given the apprentice another chance, but the gunsmith did not change his mind.

The new apprentice is rather green, and will take two or three weeks to train, so expect decreased output from the SR Gun Shop.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, not a whole lot has changed since last week. Joe’s Fun Club has been shrinking for a long time, and now it only has 22 people in it! It will not be a surprise if the country just collapses from its own weight.

Groinland has been doing well, and sales from the GCC (Groinland Cutlery Corp.) have been higher.

The South Republic economy has been revving up more lately. The warmer weather has led to increased tourism, and a better overall mood for buying and selling.

The debt has not been shrinking all though, and I have some bad news in that department. Firstly, as you have read, the SRGS (S.R Gun Shop) will be making fewer firearms, which will lead to a slower economy. They should get rolling again when the apprentice gets trained, though.

I do not honestly expect the economy to recover from buying the calves a few weeks ago until they are sold as meat. When that happens, we may be better off or doing just as well as before the calves were bought. That is a mystery, though.

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 104

-CATTLE FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only two guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 2
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $858 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1275 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2920  (+$417)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting.

Letters to the Editor:
“I am so sick of the national debt! It is slowly creeping lower and lower, like a horrible cockroach! Gross! Every time I read this ridiculous paper, I find the debt is BIGGER and BIGGER! Oh God! NO! It’s almost at three thousand dollars! NO!!! I can’t survive it! It’s TOO MUCH!”

-Joel Compton

“Hey, did you ever think of reading a book? It’s a great thing to do. Sometimes, when I read a book, I just feel in the mood to eat it up like a nice little 198-page cherry pie. Yum yums. Then, I wanna wash it like the pie dish, because pie crumbs are dirty. Grossness. My favorite book is probably a cookbook, because cookbooks taste so nice. They taste like food. Some cookbooks taste like the food they’re about, and some don’t. How stupid!”

-Talker

Map:

Link to previous news issue (#14)

Link to next news issue (#16)

S.R news issue 14

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 14, APRIL 1, 2012                                                                            Index: 1-2International  3 South Republic  4 Business  5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries  9-10 Letters and map

International Section

JOE PLANS HIS PALACE

Joe, the Despot of Joe’s Fun Club, has ordered the plans for the creation of a “magnificent palace” for him. The work will be done by the few citizens of the “fun club” that have not moved to Canada. The palace will be made out of wood, and have three stories. It will have a throne and lots of things to do in it. Joe plans to build in in the center of his country.

JOE CHANGES FUN CLUB LAWS

“It’s repulsive that Bob’s Fun Club was only open on Saturdays and Sundays! My country will be open all week, 24 hours a day!” said Joe. He has changed many laws, especially the treason laws. Here is a sampling of the laws:

  1. “Anyone suspected of treason can be murdered for free”
  2. “Anyone who murders someone who is not suspected of treason will be murdered”
  3. “Everyone must give 10% of all their food, water, money, and land to Joe”
  4. “Everyone must address Joe as Joe. If someone calls him something else, they will be suspected of treason. See rule 1.”
  5. “Joe can kick anyone out of his country if he feels in the mood to”  

South Republic Section

PEACE TALKS WITH JOE’S FUN CLUB FAIL

Frank Kelspie has had a political talk with Joe of Joe’s Fun Club, but it was not very successful. Although Kelspie tried to negotiate to protect Joe’s Fun Club for a small monthly fee, Joe declined, saying: “My country is better! We can defend ourselves! It’s you that needs the protection.”

However, Joe’s Fun Club has only 34 citizens, and guns are banned there. Kelspie also told Joe that he would pay him $15 a month if he didn’t attack the South Republic, plus $10 upfront. That remark has drawn much criticism from Republicans, who say tax dollars should not be spent on buying off other countries.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Groinland has been buying rose seeds to plant, so their national debt is slightly bigger than it used to be. However, it is still smaller than the debt of the South Republic. ($2400)

Joe’s Fun Club is so small that it doesn’t even have its own currency yet, despite their law “10% of all incomes must be given to Joe.” Because of that, I still hardly call Joe’s Fun Club a real country.  Also, Canada has been getting more immigrants from Joe’s Fun Club, because they decide they do not want to be in a dictatorship.

The South Republic economy has been lagging, even though slightly more tourists have shown up this week. Primarily, the cattle industry has been the reason for the increased debt. However, like I said before, it should eventually pay off once the steers fatten up. 

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 97                                                                                                                 -BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 6
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $1069 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1300 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2500.5  (+$231)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting. Apparently, he shot himself by accident. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.

Also, someone named Greg Hunter died while he was fishing. A blue marlin impaled him and murdered him. He will be buried in the water, because he unfortunately didn’t tell anyone how he wanted to be buried.

Letters to the Editor:
“Really, I think Frank Kelspie shouldn’t be a Conservative! If you’re in the habit of spending tax dollars bribing other countries, you’re more of a Liberal. He should change parties.”
-Gerald Dlareg

“Joe is the best! He deserves free food! Joe is the best! He’s always in a groove! Joe is the best! He is such a dude!”

-Joe’s Lover

Map:
Image

Link to previous news issue (#13)

Link to next news issue (#15)

S.R news issue 13

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 13, MARCH 24,2012                                                                                                                  Index: 1-4International  5-7 South Republic

8 Business  9-11 Ads 12 Obituaries  13-14 Letters and map


International section:

JOE’S FUN CLUB ESTABLISHED!

Joe, the person who murdered Bob, has become the leader of what is now Joe’s Fun Club. He has made no secret of his evil intentions.                                                 “I plan to eat ten percent of everyone’s food. I also want ten percent of everyone’s land. And every time they make money, they have to give me ten percent. Oh yes! I know what I’ll do with the money! Yes I do! I’ll use it up myself! HAHAHA!”

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORP. UNDERPERFORMING

The once-wildly-popular Groinland Cutlery Corporation has made slowl business recently. Although they used to design many new knifes every week, the main knife creater has been sick, so he has not invented any more knives. Sales have lagged, because people only buy products from the G.C.C when they are new.

“Eww! After about a week, I don’t want their gross knives any more. But when they release new ones and all of my friends make a huge line at the store, I NEED to have one!” -Anonymous stranger 

South Republic Section

-add in the results of the Manglers versus the Hurters in a new murderball game

ANOTHER MURDERBALL GAME PLAYED!

In the South Republic Prison, a team of Groiners (the Hurters) and Republicans (the Manglers) fought each other in a brutally disgusting game of Murderball. Although the Hurters did a good job of hitting the Mangler’s throwers at first, they eventually slowed down, giving the Manglers the advantage. It was a suspenseful and entertaining game, though.

It is widely known that the Hurters do poorly because of their bad teamwork. However, some people have suggested that another reason why the Hurters fail is because they have a less aggressive name.

Score: 14 Manglers 10 Hurters

Murderball rules link 

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, Groinland is planning to plant roses in their newly-acquired plot of land. (located on territory that used to belong to the Dictatorship of Goddanged) Since the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club is such a mess, the economy there is doing horrible. I do not really count the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club as a real country, though. It seems more like a joke to me.

Here in the South Republic, the economy has been going at a tolerable pace, although it has seen better days in the last few months.
The weather earlier last week was nice enough to permit a large amount of tourists to tour the Republic. Tour guides have actually started to pop up,
and their high prices for tours have boosted the economy significantly.
Due to the recent deluge of snow, (even though it’s spring) a large volume of snow has been sold. That involved unburying the snow-machines,
because it was assumed the last snow of the season had already occurred.

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 92

                                 -BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 10                                                                                                                                                                                                              –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $969 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $2037 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2274.5  (+$1023)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for all of your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff! Buy it now!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named George Walker died from getting a heart attack while running. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone
feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. (Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.)

Letters to the Editor
“Wow. That snowfall last night was so beautiful! I took a nice, enjoyable little walk. It was so serene. Gosh, I love the snow. Maybe I should move to the
Northwest Territories.”
-Patricia Warsh

“You know what is so ugly these days… CARS! Ford makes the grossest cars ever! They’re like gosh-darned disgusting! Just try to look at one for more than five seconds. Grossness.”

-Complainter Sullivan

“Why is EVERYTHING in this damned newspaper about eating! There’s a Food Taster’s Club, people who died from eating, articles about eating, information
about food and TOO MUCH ELSE. You know what I want- I want someone to write an article about POOPING! Too much food, not enough poop! We need more
poop!”
-I Hate Food!

Previous issue (#12)

Map:

S.R news issue 9

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 9, FEBRUARY 26, 2012

Index: 1-3 International  4-5 South Republic  6 Business  7-8 Ads  9-10 Letters and map

“THE CLEANER” TRIES TO CLEAN UP GROINLAND

A new immigrant to Groinland called The Cleaner has offered free classes in Groinland. The classes are for teaching young Groiners how to be police and proper. The Cleaner is outraged against Groinland’s obscenities.

“Oh God, it’s so disgusting! I hate Groinland! They are so gross! I am going to clean them up if it is the last thing I do! Oh God!”

So far, class attendance is at 0. Updates will be given next week.

GROINANNOYANCE MURDERED!

A local “star” named Groinannoyance was murdered last night. Although the cause of death is unknown, it appears someone attacked him with a knife. (probably from Groinland Cutlery Corporation.) If the killer is found, it may be sent to prison.

Groinannoyance was famous for annoying people with very disgusting sayings. (like “I’m gonna eat you like a food!” and “I’m gonna play you like a game!” and “I’m gonna pee on your poop!”) That is probably what he will be remembered for. Odds are, the killer murdered him because he was sick of Groinannoyance causing a ruckus.

BOB’S FUN CLUB TAKES A BREAK

Bob, the Doer of Bob’s Fun Club, has fallen ill due to pneumonia. Because of that, his country will be taking a break until he either dies or gets better. No club meetings are scheduled this week. Bob says he hopes his country won’t be attacked while it takes a break.

EVEN MORE KNIFE DESIGNS SOLD!

Groinland Cutlery Corporation has made 6 new knife designs. Right now, they are the dominant business in Groinland and are beginning to achieve fame in the South Republic and even Canada!

 

South Republic Section

VANDALISTER STRIKES AGAIN

The Vandalister, an unknown criminal in the South Republic, has spray painted another building in Wellsboro! The graffiti says: “Want a free groining? Call 555-390-2843!” As was last time, the owner of the building with graffiti is outrages. So are the South Republic Policemen. Anyone with information about The Vandalister can tell the police and collect the $15 reward. ($10 more than last time!)

MAYORAL ELECTION IN 2 WEEKS!

The South Republic is having an election to possibly get a new mayor in a few weeks. There are, as usual, a number of candidates. However, some may drop out if they realize they don’t stand a chance of being elected.

Although the candidates for the Conservative and Farmer’s parties are “by the book,” there are other candidates that are unusual for their party. For example, Mr. West’s Wife is running for the bizarre Protective Party.

Here is a chart to help you figure out which parties’ candidate you should vote for.

Definitions: Progressive = new beliefs            Conservative = old beliefs    Fascism = total government    Anarchy = no government

Note: the strange Protective Party is not included, because it has not been recognized as a party yet. However, it would fall under “conservative facism,” like the Farmer’s party.

We have included advertisements from each of the parties here, starting with the most anarchistic.

Wanna party? Vote 4 the party party! It has lots of parties and fun! No taxes and no police 2. Get lots of fun stuff and have a good time! C U at the party!

MMMM. If you love Groinland, you better vote for the Groinland party! We will make lots of things legal! Oh yes! Like groining all the time! How fun! Vote for us, and we won’t disappoint your groin!

The Liberal party is asking for you to help us. We support open borders, help for the poor, and progressive beliefs. If you agree with any one of the above, please vote Liberal this upcoming election!

Feel stuck between the Liberal and Conservative parties? Sick of the Farmer party being archaic? Choose the Moderate party, and we will not disappoint you. We mix the best of the Liberal and Conservative parties into a common-sense ideology.

If you are tired of the Liberal party lying to you, and harming the Republic’s state of affairs, you have found the right party! We agree with you, and will do everything we can to keep Liberals out of office. This election, vote Conservative!

If you know first-hand how hard it can be to raise crops; if you are tired of the Liberals thinking they know best, and if you want real common sense leadership in the Mayor’s office, vote for the Farmer party.

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The tourist market is still going strong, but has not improved over last week. There have been few sales in other areas, except firearms. The gunsmith in the South Republic has hired a helper. That means he can crank out four to five guns a week instead of three. Thank gosh he came to the Republic!                

           Otherwise, the national debt is slowly going down, which is necessary, considering Canada could be a potential enemy of the Republic. The debt could go down quicker, but I would say the state of affairs right now is satisfactory.

SNOW A low amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 25
ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                 Mean value: $6 Volume: 78                                                                                                                                                                                                                           –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.

Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $805.5 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $610 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1540.5  (-195.5)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

Letters:

“I think it is God-groined depressing how horrible the stupid Cleaner is! Our country is dirty for a reason! Oh my groin! I mean, just shut up and live in the god groined South Republic! Gross!” -Groindanged

“How great it is that things are going well!” –Groinbobber

“I’m happy the gunsmith in the South Republic hired that assistant. He is a very nice guy. Actually, he used to be one of my Canadian friends, before I moved to the Republic.” –Tom Farmer
Map: