Bobby and Jesco

Bobby and Jesco

by Azure James  (part of a series of Southern short stories)


      The way I see it, Jesco Earnest had no good reason to do what he did that day. I’ll start from the beginnin’. Ol’ Jesco and Bobby Carson were good buds out ’round the woods where I grew up, in Eastern Kentucky. 

     Well, the both of them were married, had two wives and three kids between the two of ’em. They’d been friends since they were schoolkids in Pikeville. I miss that ol’ school. I believe I was maybe twelve when those two kids started kindergarten. Only saw ’em fer a year ‘fore I dropped out. I had too many responsibilities on the homestead to pay no attention to my schoolwork. Back then, we had ’bout twelve head of cattle. A big Angus/Hereford cross bull. If I’ve ever seen cows that make good dairy and beef at the same time, they had to have come from that bull. We named him Marb, since that was what my daddy smoked and it sounded like a good name to my lil’ head back at the time. Come to think of it, I suppose it still does. 

     Guess I’m gettin’ sidetracked. Jesco and Bobby grew up alright. Jesco broke horses and Bobby cut timber. Both of ’em stayed out of the coal mines, lucky for them. They grew up quick and got throwed out before they knew it. Stayed together close enough to stop at each others for dinner or some target practice or some drinkin’. That’s how this all started, actually. The summer of nineteen-sixty-two was turnin’ cold faster than normal. Got both of em’ a little ornery, but especially Jesco. He always wanted to move down to Flarida. Never got the money to leave, though.

     Bobby was stayin’ over at Jesco’s fer a smoke before he got home from work. They were standin’ outside when Jesco took off to the woods to go to the bathroom. When he got back, Bobby was standin’ there daydreamin’ and one of Jesco’s horses was runnin’ out of the pasture, right through the open gate. How was that possible? The gate was closed just a minute before. 

     Jesco already was mad at Bobby fer stoppin’ over uninvited and because he thought he might have stole some of his eggs. And because of the cold weather of course, but this really threw him for a loop.

     Jesco yelled at Bobby to high hell fer lettin’ his horse out, but Bobby said the horse must have untied the knot somehow or other. Jesco didn’t have none of it, so he ran in his house and shut the door. 

     Well, about a minute later, Bobby had the horse caught with some sweetfeed and a halter. He knocked on the door to apologize about what happened and tell Jesco he got the horse back, but when the door opened up, instead of a warm greetin’, Bobby got a shotgun blast to the face. 

     The real amazing thing about was how dern smart Jesco was after the killin’. He just dug up a hole and tossed Bobby inside it. When his wife came back from her shopping trip, she asked what the dirt marks on Jesco’s clothes were from. 

“Just buryin’ a dead cat I found by the road,” said Jesco, real sly.

 “That’s too bad,” empathized his wife. 

     Jesco must have thought everything was fine then, but the Good Lord knows who should be punished, and he always finds a way to do just that. Week later, and another one of Jesco’s friends shows up. While Jesco n’ his wife were busy talkin’, his friend walked around and happened upon that big grave, right at the border of the woods. 

“What’s that fer?” he asked. 

“Umm… one of my horses got colic a few days ago,” replied Jesco, lookin’ sideways. 

“Grave ain’t big enough fer’ your horse, and I know you’ve always had three horses,” said the neighbor, gettin’ perty suspicious.

“You still do. Heck, that hole would better fit a person than a horse.” Jesco didn’t say nothin’. 

A week later, A big ol’ group came over in the night and dug Bobby up. They knew it all along– people don’t just disappear fer’ no reason. Especially homebodies like Bobby Carson.

I think Jesco got what he deserved in the end. Wonder if he ever did get out of that prison…

S.R news issue 11

ISSUE 11, MARCH 9, 2012                                                                                                                                                                  Index: 1International  2-4 South Republic  5 Business  6-8 Ads 9 Obituaries  10-11 Letters and map


Fred’s Fun Club, which used to be Bob’s Fun Club, has experienced a lot of civil turmoil from the death of Bob from the flu. Citizens are rioting and even immigrating away from Fred’s Fun Club or quitting the activities.

“It’s so horrible how much they hate me!” says Fred. “I am a good ruler!”

A number of people have been petitioning to raise Bob from the dead with voodoo magic and turn him into a zombie king. They claim “Anything is better than Fred!”

Hopefully, things will draw to a resolution eventually.

South Republic Section


Vice President chosen!

The election results for the new Mayor of the South Republic have come in! Winning by an eight-percent margin, Frank Kelspie of the Conservative party, will be the new mayor. This is the first time since many months ago that the Conservatives were able to win the election! (the last two mayors were Farmers.) Frank Kelspie saus much of his success came from his volunteers donating money and helping with his campaign.

Kelspie has chosen his vice president. Unlike in the U.S.A, mayors in the South Republic usually choose other candidates from the election as their vice president. In this case, Kelspie chose Henry Lemass, the leader of the Farmer party. The Farmer party and  Conservative party have similar political views, but their main difference is that the Farmer party believes in a bigger government than the Conservative party.

The vote results were actually somewhat surprizing, aside from Frank Kelspie winning, which was rather predictable. For example, Mr West’s Wife, of the Protective Party, was very successful, doing as well as the Liberal party! Just a few weeks ago, she was so obscure that the Protective party didn’t officially count as a party.

Josh Boredom was the major loser of the election. His votes either went to the Conservatives, Farmers, Liberals, or Protectors, generally.

Groinfun did as well as anyone would expect someone from the Groinland party to do.

Here is a graph of the votes:


In a letter addressed to the public, someone named Dark Secretness said last week that he food give someone some “free food” if they met him behind the store at night. He “promised” he wouldn’t “murder them!” However, it seems like Dark Secretness lies a lot because he did murder the first person to respond to his letter. The police caught Dark Secretness, and he apologized, saying “Whoops, I guess I made a mistake. Maybe murdering is a bad option.” Dark Secretness will have a trial and is expected to go to jail for years.


Another murder has been committed by someone going by the name of the “impulse murderer.” Lock your windows, because the Impulse Murderer is armed and dangerous! In an alleged interview with one of his friends, we have a glimpse into the psychology of the Impulse Murderer.

Interviewer: So who did you murder?

Murderer: Oh, I murdered one of my old friends named Bill. I was sick of being friends with him, and I didn’t like the fact that he supported the Farmers party.

Interviewer: So you killed him?

Murderer: Yep. I felt in the mood to do some murdering that night. Just like I feel in the mood to eat chocolate sometimes.

Interviewer: How was it?

Murderer: It was pretty enjoyable. Murdering is a pleasant hobby. I like it. Too bad it’s so illegal.

Interviewer: Do you have plans to stop murdering?

Murderer: When I get in jail or get shot dead by the police. I won’t really have a choice.

That is the interview given to the police by the Impulse Murderer’s friend, Bill. Bill says the Impulse Murderer is a “horribler.”

An alert has been issued, saying to not trust strangers and be suspicious of friends. No one is sure just what the Impulse Murderer looks like. A twenty dollar reward has been put up by the South Republic Police, and that may become bigger with time!


At the Baptist Church, a party for ex-Westerners will be held next Tuesday. It will involve a shooting competition, drinking competition, gambling competition, spitting competition, and eating competition. The most anticipated competition is a draw between the gambling competition and eating competition. It is one of the most anticipated events of the whole winter! Although ex-westerners are encouraged to go, Southerners are also allowed provided they stand on good terms with the West. Entry fee: five dollars. Competition price is two dollars.

The Western Republic was a country in the early days of the South Republic that eventually merged together with the South. Competition results will be posted in next week’s edition of the S.R news. It’s so exciting!



The economy has been speeding up in the tourism department. Many people, primarily from Canada, have been visiting the South Republic. The most popular tourism spots are the Mayor’s office, Senate, and economic zones.

However, the snow and ice sales have been dropping severely because of the warm weather. Snow sales are less than half of what they were last week.

The same amount of firearms has been produced as normal. They have been selling at sixty-five dollars for the past months.

The national debt is shrinking at approximately $150 dollars a week. At this rate, it will only take three to five months to eliminate the debt. Hopefully, things will go to plan.

SNOW A very small amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 50

ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Mean value: $6 Volume: 79                                                                                                                                                                           –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                                               Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $824 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $650 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1206.5  (-174)


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Feel alone and scared all day? Feel like someone is going to groin you against your will? Feel like you will be assaulted? Feel like you will be murdered? Call us! We protect people. 555-394-2839 Bodyguard Services. Only $80 a day.


Rest in Peace, Bob. You did a great job as Do-er.

Someone named Pee-er died from water intoxication. No funeral will be held, since he has no friends.

“What a horrible name! Pee-er! I hate  it! It’s a good thing he’s dead!” –Grumpy Old Bob


“Oh God! Bob was my best friend! Oh God! NO!” –Bill

“I want some free food too! Where is Dark Secretness when I need him?” –Calvin

“I need to eat some tastes. Did you know horses need to taste fourty pounds of tastes every day? That a lotta taste to taste!”     -Taster

“Mmmm. Cake and cookies taste best together! Lemon meringue cake and melon meringue cookies are the best combo ever!”                          -Miraculous Food Cooker