S.R news issue 17

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 17, APRIL 21, 2012                                                                            Index: 1 International 2-4 South Republic  5 Business  6-9 Ads 10 Obituaries  11-12 Letters and map

Tagged as humor, news, funny news, secret, movie ban, Joe’s Secret Club, and despot.

International Section

INFORMATION ON JOE’S SECRET CLUB REVEALED

Census data for Joe’s Secret Club has been leaked by an anonymous person working for the South Republic. The population of Joe’s Secret Club is currently 48. A lot of people there live underground, for extra secrecy. Because of the mix of people from Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country, there has been tension among Joe’s Secret Club. The two different types of citizens generally don’t talk to each other or socialize.

South Republic Section

JOEL COMPTON COMMITS SUICIDE

Joel Compton, a man known for complaining about debt, killed himself last Monday. He was living alone in his house. Joel left a note, which said he did it because he was sick of politics and national debt. This is presumed to be the first time a suicide has happened for that particular reason, at least in the South Republic.

PROTEST FOR BANNED MOVIE

The Liberal and Groin parties have organized a protest to legalize a recently-banned movie, “The Art of Murdering” Approximately twenty people showed up for the protest, and they carried signs and yelled about the movie. However, a poll showed that most of the populous in the South Republic approves the movie ban. Also, the mayor does not seem to have any plans to legalize the movie anytime soon.

GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE PROMOTED

In the South Republic Gun Shop, the new apprentice will be promoted to Gunsmith Assistant in a few days. He has shown tremendous ability in gunsmithing, and exceeded the owner’s expectations. Once he is promoted, the shop will once again be producing just as many firearms as it typically does.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, the union between Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country will be good for both of them. That scares me. Although Joe’s Fun Club only was hardly a threat, they may get overly aggressive because of overconfidence in their power. Also, the Secreter’s Country may have secret weapons or blueprints that could cause damage if used against the South Republic.

Groinland is selling even more knives. I honestly hope the G.C.C gets replaced by an industry that cannot murder people so easily. Knife production in a country like Groinland can only mean murder, murder, and more murder. However, it is beneficial for their economy, which means something.

The South Republic economy is still going downhill. The primary reason for this is the cattle industry. Even ten head of cattle can cause a temporary debt in our country. Next year, though, the South Republic will hopefully be big enough to not be susceptible to such trivial problems.

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing quite well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 101                                                                                                                                                                                                                         -BEEF FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                                   –FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only four guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 4
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $1200 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1315 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $3527 (+$150)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

REPTILE WATCHER’S CLUB

For a long time, bird watching has been popular. Now, there is the new and improved version- Reptile Watching! Look at lizards, geckos, salamanders and more! Meet up with other Reptile Watchers! Learn special reptile noises and how to call reptiles. Maybe even try to complete the famous “Reptile Watcher’s List!”

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation! Make money! Make enemies! Funness!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Liam Diver died from drowning in a swimming pool. He apparently got tired swimming while the lifeguard was busy flirting with someone. Meanwhile, Liam Diver drowned. Too bad.

Letters to the Editor:
“This newspaper sucks! I’m going to buy the Groinland News instead! They’re so much more interesting! You guys are boring and stupid! LOL!”

-Paul Ipsie

“Hey- what’s up? What are you doing? NO! I mean; what are you really doing? Lots of secretive activities, I’m sure! I need to know your secrets! Tell me and they will be even MORE secret! I keep secrets better than secrets keep me, because they don’t! Tell me and you won’t regret you secrets!”

-Talker

Map:

Link to previous news issue

Link to next news issue

Advertisements

S.R news issue 16

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 16, APRIL 14, 2012                                                                            Index: 1 International 2-3 South Republic  4 Business  5-8 Ads 9 Obituaries  10-11 Letters and map

Tag as humor, news, funny news, secret, movie ban, Joe’s Secret Club, and despot.

International Section

JOE ALLIES WITH SECRETERS

Joe’s Fun Club has decided to merge together with another country- the Secreter’s Country. The name of the new country will be Joe’s Secret Club. Amazingly, we have just discovered the Secreter’s Country because they have stayed under the radar for such a long time. The population and other data from the Secreter’s Country is missing, so it is unknown if it’s a threat to the South Republic at the moment. However, it probably is, because Joe’s Fun Club was considered a threat, even though it only had a population of  22 people.

South Republic Section

MOVIE BANNED IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

A new movie by acclaimed director Matt Goshburper has just come out, but no one will be legally watching it in the South Republic, because the Mayor and Senate voted 8-2 to ban the movie. The name of the movie is “The Art of Murdering” and it is about the bizarre ways in which people murder each other. The film uses several examples and says at the end “Murdering is pretty fun! You should try it sometime! I haven’t found a better hobby in my whole life!” At press time, there are no serious protests to legalize the movie. Mayor Kelspie commented on the matter, saying: “Murder is one of the worst crimes imaginable. Painting a picture that murder is somehow a ‘good’ or ‘amusing’ activity is simply ridiculous. I can hardly believe this movie isn’t a joke!” Most Conservatives and Farmers agree with him, although a few Liberals and Groiners disagree.

GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE PROMOTED

In the South Republic Gun Shop, the new apprentice will be promoted to Gunsmith Assistant in a few days. He has shown tremendous ability in gunsmithing, and exceeded the owner’s expectations. Once he is promoted, the shop will once again be producing just as many firearms as it typically does.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, the union between Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country will be good for both of them. That scares me. Although Joe’s Fun Club only was hardly a threat, they may get overly aggressive because of overconfidence in their power. Also, the Secreter’s Country may have secret weapons or blueprints that could cause damage if used against the South Republic.

Groinland is selling even more knives. I honestly hope the G.C.C gets replaced by an industry that cannot murder people. Knife production in a country like Groinland can only mean murder, murder, and more murder. However, it is beneficial for their economy.

The South Republic economy is still going downhill. The primary reason for this is the cattle industry. Even ten head of cattle can cause a temporary debt in our country. Next year, though, the South Republic will hopefully be big enough to not be susceptible to such trivial problems.

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing quite well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 101                                                                                                                                                                                                                BEEF FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only four guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 4
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $858 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1315 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $3377 ($450)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

REPTILE WATCHER’S CLUB

For a long time, bird watching has been popular. Now, there is the new and improved version- Reptile Watching! Look at lizards, geckos, salamanders and more! Meet up with other Reptile Watchers! Learn special reptile noises and how to call reptiles. Maybe even try to complete the famous “Reptile Watcher’s List!”

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation! Make money! Make enemies! Funness!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Liam Diver died from drowning in a swimming pool. He apparently got tired and the lifeguard was busy flirting with someone. Meanwhile, Liam Diver drowned. Too bad.

Letters to the Editor:
“Oh my GOD! The debt is even BIGGER! NO! I am going to move to Canada instead! Wait a second… they have an even HUGER debt! Maybe I’ll move to the U.S.A…. NOOO! They have a 6 TRILLION DOLLAR DEBT! I’m going to murder myself! I swear! …… I just hope Heaven doesn’t also have a debt…. OH NOOO!”

-Joel Compton

“Hey, did you ever think of how many laws there are? I mean, there’s like millions of them! Laws about lots of stupid things. Like how about the fact that you can’t take the door ringer out of a car? How about the fact that you can’t slander people? I think it’s stupid that you can’t sell moonshine! Seriously! Get a life! It’s not like moonshine ever made anyone drunk or anything! God darn it!”

-Talker

Map:

Link to previous news issue

Link to next news issue

S.R news issue 15

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 15, APRIL 6, 2012                                                                            Index: 1-2International  3 South Republic  4 Business  5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries  9-10 Letters and map

*

International Section

JOE’S PALACE COMPLETED

Costing an astounding $4540, Joe’s palace is a sight to behold. It is made out of wooden planks, and has six rooms! He says “I had to murder one of my builders because he was conspiring against me diabolically! But the other ones were good so I let them live.” Two guards armed with knives are constantly on watch for all the people that want to murder Joe. Not surprisingly, another two citizens moved out of Joe’s Fun Club last week, bringing the total population down to 21.

South Republic Section

MURDERBALL GAME- HURTERS DAMAGE MANGLERS!

Another game of Murderball was played at the South Republic jail. The South Republic team, the Manglers, was beaten by Groinland’s Hurters. Although the game was close to a tie for the first half, one of the Manglers yelled an insult to the Hurters and the Hurters started to play more roughly. That led them to get more point from their Hitter, and narrowly beat the Manglers. There was one fatality and four injuries, three of which are serious. Most importantly, one of the Mangler’s star players (Jeff Smasher) was almost killed. He will be in the hospital for at least a few weeks while the Manglers get a replacement.

Final: 16 Hurters / 12 Manglers

GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE REPLACED

The gunsmith of the South Republic found his apprentice asleep at work, and decided to replace him with someone else. His friends have complained, saying he should have given the apprentice another chance, but the gunsmith did not change his mind.

The new apprentice is rather green, and will take two or three weeks to train, so expect decreased output from the SR Gun Shop.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, not a whole lot has changed since last week. Joe’s Fun Club has been shrinking for a long time, and now it only has 22 people in it! It will not be a surprise if the country just collapses from its own weight.

Groinland has been doing well, and sales from the GCC (Groinland Cutlery Corp.) have been higher.

The South Republic economy has been revving up more lately. The warmer weather has led to increased tourism, and a better overall mood for buying and selling.

The debt has not been shrinking all though, and I have some bad news in that department. Firstly, as you have read, the SRGS (S.R Gun Shop) will be making fewer firearms, which will lead to a slower economy. They should get rolling again when the apprentice gets trained, though.

I do not honestly expect the economy to recover from buying the calves a few weeks ago until they are sold as meat. When that happens, we may be better off or doing just as well as before the calves were bought. That is a mystery, though.

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 104

-CATTLE FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only two guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 2
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $858 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1275 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2920  (+$417)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting.

Letters to the Editor:
“I am so sick of the national debt! It is slowly creeping lower and lower, like a horrible cockroach! Gross! Every time I read this ridiculous paper, I find the debt is BIGGER and BIGGER! Oh God! NO! It’s almost at three thousand dollars! NO!!! I can’t survive it! It’s TOO MUCH!”

-Joel Compton

“Hey, did you ever think of reading a book? It’s a great thing to do. Sometimes, when I read a book, I just feel in the mood to eat it up like a nice little 198-page cherry pie. Yum yums. Then, I wanna wash it like the pie dish, because pie crumbs are dirty. Grossness. My favorite book is probably a cookbook, because cookbooks taste so nice. They taste like food. Some cookbooks taste like the food they’re about, and some don’t. How stupid!”

-Talker

Map:

Link to previous news issue (#14)

Link to next news issue (#16)

S.R news issue 14

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 14, APRIL 1, 2012                                                                            Index: 1-2International  3 South Republic  4 Business  5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries  9-10 Letters and map

International Section

JOE PLANS HIS PALACE

Joe, the Despot of Joe’s Fun Club, has ordered the plans for the creation of a “magnificent palace” for him. The work will be done by the few citizens of the “fun club” that have not moved to Canada. The palace will be made out of wood, and have three stories. It will have a throne and lots of things to do in it. Joe plans to build in in the center of his country.

JOE CHANGES FUN CLUB LAWS

“It’s repulsive that Bob’s Fun Club was only open on Saturdays and Sundays! My country will be open all week, 24 hours a day!” said Joe. He has changed many laws, especially the treason laws. Here is a sampling of the laws:

  1. “Anyone suspected of treason can be murdered for free”
  2. “Anyone who murders someone who is not suspected of treason will be murdered”
  3. “Everyone must give 10% of all their food, water, money, and land to Joe”
  4. “Everyone must address Joe as Joe. If someone calls him something else, they will be suspected of treason. See rule 1.”
  5. “Joe can kick anyone out of his country if he feels in the mood to”  

South Republic Section

PEACE TALKS WITH JOE’S FUN CLUB FAIL

Frank Kelspie has had a political talk with Joe of Joe’s Fun Club, but it was not very successful. Although Kelspie tried to negotiate to protect Joe’s Fun Club for a small monthly fee, Joe declined, saying: “My country is better! We can defend ourselves! It’s you that needs the protection.”

However, Joe’s Fun Club has only 34 citizens, and guns are banned there. Kelspie also told Joe that he would pay him $15 a month if he didn’t attack the South Republic, plus $10 upfront. That remark has drawn much criticism from Republicans, who say tax dollars should not be spent on buying off other countries.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Groinland has been buying rose seeds to plant, so their national debt is slightly bigger than it used to be. However, it is still smaller than the debt of the South Republic. ($2400)

Joe’s Fun Club is so small that it doesn’t even have its own currency yet, despite their law “10% of all incomes must be given to Joe.” Because of that, I still hardly call Joe’s Fun Club a real country.  Also, Canada has been getting more immigrants from Joe’s Fun Club, because they decide they do not want to be in a dictatorship.

The South Republic economy has been lagging, even though slightly more tourists have shown up this week. Primarily, the cattle industry has been the reason for the increased debt. However, like I said before, it should eventually pay off once the steers fatten up. 

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 97                                                                                                                 -BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 6
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $1069 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1300 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2500.5  (+$231)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting. Apparently, he shot himself by accident. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.

Also, someone named Greg Hunter died while he was fishing. A blue marlin impaled him and murdered him. He will be buried in the water, because he unfortunately didn’t tell anyone how he wanted to be buried.

Letters to the Editor:
“Really, I think Frank Kelspie shouldn’t be a Conservative! If you’re in the habit of spending tax dollars bribing other countries, you’re more of a Liberal. He should change parties.”
-Gerald Dlareg

“Joe is the best! He deserves free food! Joe is the best! He’s always in a groove! Joe is the best! He is such a dude!”

-Joe’s Lover

Map:
Image

Link to previous news issue (#13)

Link to next news issue (#15)

S.R news issue 13

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 13, MARCH 24,2012                                                                                                                  Index: 1-4International  5-7 South Republic

8 Business  9-11 Ads 12 Obituaries  13-14 Letters and map


International section:

JOE’S FUN CLUB ESTABLISHED!

Joe, the person who murdered Bob, has become the leader of what is now Joe’s Fun Club. He has made no secret of his evil intentions.                                                 “I plan to eat ten percent of everyone’s food. I also want ten percent of everyone’s land. And every time they make money, they have to give me ten percent. Oh yes! I know what I’ll do with the money! Yes I do! I’ll use it up myself! HAHAHA!”

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORP. UNDERPERFORMING

The once-wildly-popular Groinland Cutlery Corporation has made slowl business recently. Although they used to design many new knifes every week, the main knife creater has been sick, so he has not invented any more knives. Sales have lagged, because people only buy products from the G.C.C when they are new.

“Eww! After about a week, I don’t want their gross knives any more. But when they release new ones and all of my friends make a huge line at the store, I NEED to have one!” -Anonymous stranger 

South Republic Section

-add in the results of the Manglers versus the Hurters in a new murderball game

ANOTHER MURDERBALL GAME PLAYED!

In the South Republic Prison, a team of Groiners (the Hurters) and Republicans (the Manglers) fought each other in a brutally disgusting game of Murderball. Although the Hurters did a good job of hitting the Mangler’s throwers at first, they eventually slowed down, giving the Manglers the advantage. It was a suspenseful and entertaining game, though.

It is widely known that the Hurters do poorly because of their bad teamwork. However, some people have suggested that another reason why the Hurters fail is because they have a less aggressive name.

Score: 14 Manglers 10 Hurters

Murderball rules link 

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, Groinland is planning to plant roses in their newly-acquired plot of land. (located on territory that used to belong to the Dictatorship of Goddanged) Since the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club is such a mess, the economy there is doing horrible. I do not really count the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club as a real country, though. It seems more like a joke to me.

Here in the South Republic, the economy has been going at a tolerable pace, although it has seen better days in the last few months.
The weather earlier last week was nice enough to permit a large amount of tourists to tour the Republic. Tour guides have actually started to pop up,
and their high prices for tours have boosted the economy significantly.
Due to the recent deluge of snow, (even though it’s spring) a large volume of snow has been sold. That involved unburying the snow-machines,
because it was assumed the last snow of the season had already occurred.

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 92

                                 -BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 10                                                                                                                                                                                                              –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $969 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $2037 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2274.5  (+$1023)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for all of your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff! Buy it now!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named George Walker died from getting a heart attack while running. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone
feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. (Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.)

Letters to the Editor
“Wow. That snowfall last night was so beautiful! I took a nice, enjoyable little walk. It was so serene. Gosh, I love the snow. Maybe I should move to the
Northwest Territories.”
-Patricia Warsh

“You know what is so ugly these days… CARS! Ford makes the grossest cars ever! They’re like gosh-darned disgusting! Just try to look at one for more than five seconds. Grossness.”

-Complainter Sullivan

“Why is EVERYTHING in this damned newspaper about eating! There’s a Food Taster’s Club, people who died from eating, articles about eating, information
about food and TOO MUCH ELSE. You know what I want- I want someone to write an article about POOPING! Too much food, not enough poop! We need more
poop!”
-I Hate Food!

Previous issue (#12)

Map:

S.R news issue 12 (special issue!)

SPECIAL ISSUE!

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 12, MARCH 17, 2012                                                               

Index: 1-4International  5-7 South Republic  8 Business  9-11 Ads 12 Obituaries  13-14 Letters and map

FRED ASSASSINATED!

Fred’s rival, Joe, killed him two days ago. Joe and Fred used to be friends, but, seeing that the country was in turmoil, Joe decided to capitalize on his only opportunity.

Now Joe is hoping to take the country over for himself and turn it into a dictatorship like the Dictatorship of Goddanged! He says: “I would like to have a lot of free food. And maybe some wine, too. I would be such a good despot. I would arrest everyone who didn’t agree with me! It’s gonna be lots of fun.” Now, there is a chance that either Joe will actually become a despot or be replaced by someone else. If he does get replaced, we can only hope he will be better and not worse than Joe.

Since there is no police force in what used to be Fred’s Fun Club, there is no force opposing Joe except the citizens of the fun club. Their options are to do nothing, try to kill Joe, or immigrate to Canada.

GROINLAND EXPANDS

In an area that was formerly in the Dictatorship of Goddanged, Groinland has bought 50 acres of land. They will be using it for building and creating forests. Since a major industry in Groinland is selling roses, this will present a great opportunity for that industry.

The population of Groinland is more than a hundred, and rapidly growing. It is good for them that they managed to acquire so much more land.

BUSYGROIN INCREASES OUTPUT

Busygroin, a Groinish entrepreneur, has built another water-distilling machine for Groinland. He did it because the forests in the new territory in Groinland will need watering. Busygroin expects the water output to change from 10 liters per day to 25 liters per day. It should be just enough to water the new rose plants the Groiners just planted in their newly-acquired land.

CRAZY SHOOTER ARRESTED IN GROINLAND

Some random weirdo named the Crazy Shooter was arrested in Groinland yesterday. He will be sent to prison for a year for a crime that doesn’t actually have a name. The Crazy Shooter went to the center of the town and started to randomly shoot everything that wasn’t alive. He caused a lot of property damage, but miraculously avoided actually shooting anybody! Even though Groinland’s very loose gun laws are unlikely to change, there is a good chance people there will become more wary of publicly carrying guns.

Because Groinland is so thinly policed, it took 2 days for the Crazy Shooter to be arrested. Because of that, 4 Groiners moved to the South Republic, saying they “didn’t feel safe.” Thanks for the immigrants, Groinland!

South Republic Section

IMPULSE MURDERER REPEATS CRIME!

The “Impulse Murderer,” who murders because he “feels in the mood to,” has claimed another victim. Bob the Billder was recently killed by the Impulse Murderer. He left a note at the crime scene saying “I was bored of the South Republic. I felt like making things more interesting. You guys are hopelessly mundane.” A piece of advice for the murderer- if you want to make things interesting, have a party or something! Don’t murder for fun! It’s not legal!

KELSPIE PASSES ALCOHOL BILL

The long-awaited Alcohol Bill (invented by the Liberal party) has been passed in a modified form by Frank Kelspie. Since a Conservative like Kelspie would be viewed suspiciously if he passed an unchanged Liberal bill, Kelspie decided to make an amendment to the bill. The changed version says “1-1 Alcohol can be imported to the South Republic and sold with a regular sales tax IF the buyer is old enough. 1-2 Drinking alcohol in any amount while under the legal age is a misdemeanor punishable by a fine. ” Although a few people are mad about this bill, most are happy that the alcohol ban has finally been reversed. Even though Kelspie won’t admit it, it seems that the main reason the alcohol bill was passed was because of the Western Heritage Party. (which has a drinking contest)

Some Liberals have actually claimed Kelspie was bought off by the Western Heritage Fund, but this has not been confirmed. If it is, Kelspie’s reputation will surely suffer.

WESTERN PARTY COMPETITION RESULTS

The very successful Western Heritage Party held at the Baptist Church a few days ago involved a shooting competition, drinking competition, gambling competition, spitting competition, and eating competition. The party drew in a ton of money for the Western Heritage Fund. The prizes included gear, money, or free food. (in the eating competition) The complete results are posted here.

Shooting: The Pistol division involves a bullseye at 10 yards. The rifle division uses a bullseye at 20 yards. Quick draw is a head-to-head competition using blanks.

Pistol Division: 1st place- Harvey Skinner with 162/200 points.

2nd place- Peter Falrickson with 138 points.

Rifle Division: 1st place- Frank Rinehart with 185/200 points.

2nd place- Peter Falrickson with 174 points.

Quick Draw division: 1st place- Harvey Skinner with a .293 second draw.

2nd place- Liam Vanner with a .304 second draw.

Drinking: The drinking competition proves which competitor can drink the most without moving out of their assigned circle or falling over. The circle is only two feet across, so staying in it is difficult when drunk! Competitors are obviously only allowed in one division per day.

Beer division:

1st place-Jim Jones, with 4 cans under his belt!

2nd place- Will Yammer, drinking 3 ½ cans of beer.

Whiskey division:

1st place- Liam Vanner with an amazing 5 ½ shots of whiskey!

2nd place- tied between Nathan Mcphee and Francis DeFry. Both drank 4 shots of whiskey.

Gambling: Racing is in the gambling division because of the bets placed on who will win.

Poker division:

1st place- John Demarquis with $29.

2nd place- Paul Smith with $17.

Racing:

100 yard division:

1st place- Joe Gould, with 17.48 seconds

2nd place- Owen Robertson, with 17.87 seconds.

Spitting: Spitting does not involve any foreign substances. Just spit. Participants are watched for twenty minutes beforehand to make sure they don’t cheat. They get to use 1-foot-high platforms if they want.

1st place- Bob Williamson with 4.23 feet.

2nd place- Garth Carpenter with 3.84 feet.

Eating: Eating is the most varied sport of all. It has the most divisions: 5. Winners get their food for free. No utensils are allowed in any division except the steak division. Only first-place winners are included to save space.

Pie division:

Frank Mcdonald ate a whole pie in just 42 seconds.

Hot Dog division:

Bob Barkman ate 5 hot dogs in one minute.

Burger division:

In a very close round, Hank James topped off the others by finishing his burger in just 21 seconds.

Corn division:

In this endurance battle, Dan Mcmillan managed to eat the astounding number of 11 corn cobs.

Steak division:

Taking a longer time than anyone else, John “Fatso” Lumpkin ate an amazing 19 ounces of steak. He took 27 minutes.

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The best benefiter of the local economy has definitely been the Western Heritage Party. Although it isn’t very easy to convince people to give up their money, the party did a great job boosting the economy. Now, a greater percentage of the South Republic’s GDP is in the Western Heritage Fund. I hope they spend it wisely!

In other areas, the warm weather has changed the industries from snow-selling to construction and beef farming. The tourism market has been successful since about a month ago, and that can only be expected to increase in the future.

The main event lately, aside from the W.H party, has been the importation of beef calves. They cost about $150 each, setting our debt to a much higher level until they are sold. However, they will reap a good profit if all goes well. Even if we don’t export the meat, it will feed the Republic and lower food importation prices.

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 92                                                                                                                 BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment)

Buying: $150 Volume bought: 10                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $969 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $2037 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2274.5  (+$1023)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some tasty food together!

OBITUARIES:

-Rest in peace, Fred!

-Someone named Eater died from pooping. No funeral will be held, since he had no friends.

“Eater sounded like a real waste of resources. The South Republic will reap large benefits because of his demise. It’s lucky for us we don’t have to waste any more food on him.” –James Mcphilian

Letters:

“I thought the Western Heritage Party was probably the best event that has EVER happened in the South republic. Me and my friends had a blast! I can’t wait until another event goes on. I’ll be there!” –Joe Robertson

“Oh God! It don’int work! They ain’t good! Fred’s dead! Oh God! NO! I’m going to murder myself! NO!” –Farmer Hobo

“You know what- I’m sik of reading yer horrible letters! No one can spell wordz and their real bad at things. They suck! I h8 it! God-danged! Goddamn-ned!” -Anonyamis

Next issue (#13)

Previous issue (#11)

Map: 

Image

S.R news issue 11

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 11, MARCH 9, 2012                                                                                                                                                                  Index: 1International  2-4 South Republic  5 Business  6-8 Ads 9 Obituaries  10-11 Letters and map

FRED’S FUN CLUB IN STATE OF UNREST

Fred’s Fun Club, which used to be Bob’s Fun Club, has experienced a lot of civil turmoil from the death of Bob from the flu. Citizens are rioting and even immigrating away from Fred’s Fun Club or quitting the activities.

“It’s so horrible how much they hate me!” says Fred. “I am a good ruler!”

A number of people have been petitioning to raise Bob from the dead with voodoo magic and turn him into a zombie king. They claim “Anything is better than Fred!”

Hopefully, things will draw to a resolution eventually.

South Republic Section

MAYOR ELECTION

Vice President chosen!

The election results for the new Mayor of the South Republic have come in! Winning by an eight-percent margin, Frank Kelspie of the Conservative party, will be the new mayor. This is the first time since many months ago that the Conservatives were able to win the election! (the last two mayors were Farmers.) Frank Kelspie saus much of his success came from his volunteers donating money and helping with his campaign.

Kelspie has chosen his vice president. Unlike in the U.S.A, mayors in the South Republic usually choose other candidates from the election as their vice president. In this case, Kelspie chose Henry Lemass, the leader of the Farmer party. The Farmer party and  Conservative party have similar political views, but their main difference is that the Farmer party believes in a bigger government than the Conservative party.

The vote results were actually somewhat surprizing, aside from Frank Kelspie winning, which was rather predictable. For example, Mr West’s Wife, of the Protective Party, was very successful, doing as well as the Liberal party! Just a few weeks ago, she was so obscure that the Protective party didn’t officially count as a party.

Josh Boredom was the major loser of the election. His votes either went to the Conservatives, Farmers, Liberals, or Protectors, generally.

Groinfun did as well as anyone would expect someone from the Groinland party to do.

Here is a graph of the votes:

DARK SECRETNESS KILLS INNOCENT VICTIM!

In a letter addressed to the public, someone named Dark Secretness said last week that he food give someone some “free food” if they met him behind the store at night. He “promised” he wouldn’t “murder them!” However, it seems like Dark Secretness lies a lot because he did murder the first person to respond to his letter. The police caught Dark Secretness, and he apologized, saying “Whoops, I guess I made a mistake. Maybe murdering is a bad option.” Dark Secretness will have a trial and is expected to go to jail for years.

IMPULSE MURDERER STRIKES AGAIN!

Another murder has been committed by someone going by the name of the “impulse murderer.” Lock your windows, because the Impulse Murderer is armed and dangerous! In an alleged interview with one of his friends, we have a glimpse into the psychology of the Impulse Murderer.

Interviewer: So who did you murder?

Murderer: Oh, I murdered one of my old friends named Bill. I was sick of being friends with him, and I didn’t like the fact that he supported the Farmers party.

Interviewer: So you killed him?

Murderer: Yep. I felt in the mood to do some murdering that night. Just like I feel in the mood to eat chocolate sometimes.

Interviewer: How was it?

Murderer: It was pretty enjoyable. Murdering is a pleasant hobby. I like it. Too bad it’s so illegal.

Interviewer: Do you have plans to stop murdering?

Murderer: When I get in jail or get shot dead by the police. I won’t really have a choice.

That is the interview given to the police by the Impulse Murderer’s friend, Bill. Bill says the Impulse Murderer is a “horribler.”

An alert has been issued, saying to not trust strangers and be suspicious of friends. No one is sure just what the Impulse Murderer looks like. A twenty dollar reward has been put up by the South Republic Police, and that may become bigger with time!

WESTERN HERITAGE PARTY HELD

At the Baptist Church, a party for ex-Westerners will be held next Tuesday. It will involve a shooting competition, drinking competition, gambling competition, spitting competition, and eating competition. The most anticipated competition is a draw between the gambling competition and eating competition. It is one of the most anticipated events of the whole winter! Although ex-westerners are encouraged to go, Southerners are also allowed provided they stand on good terms with the West. Entry fee: five dollars. Competition price is two dollars.

The Western Republic was a country in the early days of the South Republic that eventually merged together with the South. Competition results will be posted in next week’s edition of the S.R news. It’s so exciting!

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The economy has been speeding up in the tourism department. Many people, primarily from Canada, have been visiting the South Republic. The most popular tourism spots are the Mayor’s office, Senate, and economic zones.

However, the snow and ice sales have been dropping severely because of the warm weather. Snow sales are less than half of what they were last week.

The same amount of firearms has been produced as normal. They have been selling at sixty-five dollars for the past months.

The national debt is shrinking at approximately $150 dollars a week. At this rate, it will only take three to five months to eliminate the debt. Hopefully, things will go to plan.

SNOW A very small amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 50

ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Mean value: $6 Volume: 79                                                                                                                                                                           –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                                               Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $824 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $650 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1206.5  (-174)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

YOU NEED PROTECTION!

Feel alone and scared all day? Feel like someone is going to groin you against your will? Feel like you will be assaulted? Feel like you will be murdered? Call us! We protect people. 555-394-2839 Bodyguard Services. Only $80 a day.

Obituaries:

Rest in Peace, Bob. You did a great job as Do-er.

Someone named Pee-er died from water intoxication. No funeral will be held, since he has no friends.

“What a horrible name! Pee-er! I hate  it! It’s a good thing he’s dead!” –Grumpy Old Bob

Letters:

“Oh God! Bob was my best friend! Oh God! NO!” –Bill

“I want some free food too! Where is Dark Secretness when I need him?” –Calvin

“I need to eat some tastes. Did you know horses need to taste fourty pounds of tastes every day? That a lotta taste to taste!”     -Taster

“Mmmm. Cake and cookies taste best together! Lemon meringue cake and melon meringue cookies are the best combo ever!”                          -Miraculous Food Cooker

Map:

S.R news issue 7

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 7, FEBRUARY 10, 2012

Index: 1-4 International 5-6 South Republic 7 Business 8 Obituaries 9-10 Letters and map

DICTATORSHIP OF GODDANGED FLEES                                                                                                                                                                                               with the Kingdom of Crinkle

After being relentlessly assaulted by Southern troops, the Dictatorship of Goddanged, and the Kingdom of Crinkle have fled from their land. A great number of their population has been killed by the Southern Army. It seems like they were almost out of soldiers, so in desperation fled to another part of Canada. It is a possibility that they will be back in the future, however.

The Kingdom of Crinkle was annexed by the Dictatorship of Goddanged, under the terms that King Crinkle will be treated like a king and be Dictator Goddanged’s advisor.

WAR CASUALTIES ANNOUNCED

The first official count of rockmen killed or wounded in the recent wars has just been released. These are the deaths from the Moist Massacre: (the first number is those wounded, the second is those dead)

Moistnesses: 0/16  Goddangeds: 4/2

From the very recent War of Goddanged, here are the deaths and injuries:

Fun Clubbers: 5/21  Southerners: 13/10  Goddangeds: 21/62 Groiners: 1/1 Crinklers: 5/24   

 

GROINLAND FORMS “MURDERBALL” LEAGUE IN REPUBLIC JAIL

In their section of the South Republic Jail, President Busygroin has started a “murderball” league. He will explain his logic in an interview.

What is Murderball?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      B.G: Murderball is a game where there are outfielders and infielders and a Thrower and a Hitter. The Thrower runs towards the Hitter, and the Hitter tries to hit the Thrower with the bat and make the infielders or outfielders catch him. If they can catch him, the Hitter’s team gets a point. But if the Thrower can take the Hitter’s bat and hit him with it, the Thrower’s team gets a point. If someone murders someone with the bat, they get 2 points. That’s why it’s called Murderball.

Why did you decide to make a league in a jail?

B.G: I know that nobody would ever play it outside of jail! I thought if the people in jail want to murder or get murdered, they should have a legal way to do that.

Do you think the game will be popular?

B.G: I do! Oh my Groin! It will be the best! And I already decided that there will be teams and that the teams will fight each other until either everyone is murdered, or someone wins! And they can win a “get out of jail free” card! Oh yes!

MORE GROINISH KNIFE DESIGNS UNVEILED

B.G: The C.E.O of the Groinland Cutlery has revealed some new designs from their legendarily prolific manufacturing plant. Hopefully, no-one will be murdered from the “buying spree” which will happen soon!

SOUTH REPUBLIC SECTION:

PUBLIC OPINION ON WAR MIXED

We asked a total of five Southerners and two Groiners what they thought of the War of Goddanged. Here are some of their responses:      “I think we should have attacked the Dictatorship right after the Moist Massacre! That would have finished things real quick!”                      “Nope! It was a horrible idea! We shouldn’t have let our soldiers kill themselves!”                                                                                                                      “We made the right decision. I’m happy our armed forces did such a good job over in the Dictatorship! We’re happy they get to come home.”

DEAD SOLDIERS REMEMBERED AT SOMBER FUNERAL

A mass funeral for the soldiers that died in the War of Goddanged was held in the Capital two days ago. The attendance was very high, showing that even rockmen who didn’t know the dead soldiers were showing up.

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION:

The economy has been going very well ever since the war ended. Most of the activity has been from parties and celebrations. The Southern gun maker has made a few more guns for export. Also, snow is selling for a good price. Tourism is also on the upswing, producing a knockout week of sales.

SNOW A good amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 600
ICE There is some ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 24
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing well.                                                                                   Mean value: $5 Volume: 42                                                                                                –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Selling: $65 Volume: 3
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $704 since Jan 28 -BAUGHT- $490 since Jan 28

-National Debt- $1826  (-214)

OBITUARY: A total of ten of our soldiers were killed in the war. A funeral has been held for all of them. They will be missed.

Letters: “Whoo hooo! It’s done! Yeah! Yes! Oui! Hahaha the war is finally over! I’m so ecstatic! I’m so enjoyable!” –Goshdarnedgroin

“Now we can have some champagne! Tasty! Let’s party!” –Fun Man

Map:

Issue no. 5 sneak peek! And more:

This is Azure James, and here is a special sneak peek of next week’s news, which will be published Friday, January 27. It has some really good stuff on it, like:

-The President of Groinland impeached!

-The Vandalister, a bizarre graffiti artist, in the South Republic

-The founding of the industrial giant the Groinland Cutlery Company

and…

-A certain country under attack by the Kingdom of Crinkle!

All this and more will be elaborated on, this Friday.

Here’s a link to one of my friend’s websites. It might be a little unusual, (even by my standards) but some of the stuff on it is really funny.

http://www.gannyknows.org/

GLSR news issue 3

-GLSR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE GROINLAND/SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
JANUARY 15, 2012

Index: 1-7 South Republic 8–9 Groinland 10-11 Business 12 Obituaries 13-14 Letters and map

DICTATORSHIP OF GODDANGED REPLACES DITATORSHIP OF DIGUSTER! EMERGENCY MEETING HELD FOR NAT. DEFENSE

Word has come around that Goddanged Buper, who was previously being held in the Metro. Hospital has broken out! He sent a video to the South Republic and Edmonton saying he will be starting his own dictatorship close to Westview Village, and only 4 kilometres from the Republic and Groinland! He said in the video that only half of the citizens of the Dictatorship of Disguster were killed. (Previous estimates were that everyone in the country was murdered.”  Also, he said he will choose another mini-country to slaughter, but he didn’t say which Apparently, Goddanged has also recruited some evil thugs to be citizens in his country, with the current population in the Dictatorship estimated to be at about 80.

Hopefully we will not be massacred by the Edmonton police or the army. Mayor Braun said he will be implementing many changes to make sure the country is safe from both Edmonton, and the Dictatorship of Disguster. He also said he will be taking many steps to keep the country secure in this crisis. During a meeting with the Senate, he stated “We have to have more border guards and even a night watch now that there’s a good chance that the Dictatorship will be sending a whole army at us. I will make sure the border guards also have better guns. We will also have to make our borders tighter. Only citizens of Groinland with life certificates will be able to enter the Republic, because any others may be spies. It may be hard on the tourism industry, but that is the way we’ll have to go if we want to keep all our troops alive.”  Mayor Braun has also urged the public to buy guns or join the Army, because “Every soldier in the Army raises the chances of our staying independent from evil tyrants like Diguster and Goddanged Buper.”

The South Republic has not been noticed by the Canadian government, but there is a large chance we will be before long, now that Goddanged Buper has put out our name on the airwaves.

BOB’S FUN CLUB REFUSES TO ALLY WITH G.LAND OR THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

Bob’s Fun Club, a mini-country north of these two, has refused to ally with us even in the face of violence by the Dictatorship of Goddanged. Mayor Braun held an emergency meeting with Bob, but he declined to be an ally. “Allies are so useless and gross. WE don’t need allies. There’s already enough of us. If the Dictatorship of Goddanged even attempts to moider us, they’ll probably only send like 5 people.” Even though the Mayor corrected him, saying the Dictatorship is much more dangerous than Bob had said, he didn’t budge, saying “Nope. We have 27 members in our club! That’s enough to defend against the whole city of Edmonton if you ask me! And last week we made spears and knife-s for moidering things. I have an idea! How about we go there next week and kill all of THEM! I think that will be funness.”

Bobs fun club gathers every weekend to have fun and do primitive activities like fighting, hunting, gathering, games, and crafts. They are the only known mini-country not open all week, and also the one with the smallest population.

SEVERAL NEW POLITICIANS VOTED INTO SENATE

Senate:  Farmer //   Conservative //     U.C /     Liberal /        Moderate /

With the new votes just being counted, 3 of the 7 Senators are newcomers. The other 4 include 2 in the Farmer’s party, 1 in the Conservative Party, and 1 in the Moderate party. The new Senators are The Conserver, of the new Ultra-conservative party, Dogooder Hatfield, of the Liberal party, and Bob Boser, of the Farmer’s party. We have interviewed each of them.

What’s your opinion on being elected?   T.C= Honestly, I wasn’t too sure I’d be elected. But it seems like everyone wants to conserve things, so I got lucky. I think everyone will be surprised at how good I am at conserving our resources. DG.HF= It’s a good thing that everyone wants to restore life to what it should be like. Everyone deserves to have lots of money, but things don’t work out that way unless a Liberal like me is in office.  B.B= I’m happy all the farmers voted for me. I know what I’m doing, and I know how to farm. I’ll be a “people’s Senator,” and help everyone in their businesses, agricultural or otherwise.                                            What is the biggest problem in the country?    T.C= We are too wasteful! There are grossness landfills in our country, and we don’t use our resources correctly. I will help change that.  DG.HF= I think people like Rogey Richman are just too rich and they hold onto their money like it’s the end of the world. Then there’s those poor people in Barsboro that hardly have a dime. I’ll help redistribute the wealth and make sure everyone has enough.  B.B= That the people in office don’t know what they’re talking about and don’t have experience driving a tractor or running a farm. I know what I’m doing, and I’ll help, through legislation, everyone else that also knows what they’re doing. For the people that don’t, I’ll try to pass free agriculture lessons for the public.                                                                                                    What are you going to change?     T.C= I’m going to make the country more conservative and environmentally-friendly. I’ll try and get hybrid vehicles imported, and solar power and windmills for running appliances. If the world ends in 2012, we definitely do not want to say we helped it end!   DG.HF= Like I said before, I’ll help redistribute the wealth to make everyone happy.  B.B= I’ll get free agriculture lessons to the public, free-market bills passed, and try to get us more legal land to farm on.

 

ARMY LOTTERY HELD FOR RECRUITMENT

Because of the national crisis on our hands, the Army has been looking for new recruits. They have decided to hold a lottery at the Senate to get more citizens up in arms. The price to join the lottery is a 4-month Army enlistment, but chances of winning are doubled if someone chooses a 10-month enlistment instead. The prizes are very interesting. Runner-up prizes (of which there are 10) include less time on duty, (3 months or 6 months if 10 was originally chosen) and a free subscription to GLSR newspaper for a year. Third prize is a custom Groinish gun like those the squad leaders carry. The second prize is $50 cash. First prize is ten acres of good farming land, legally owned by the Republic. About 30 people are expected to show up, but the real amount may be different. The lottery takes place noon on January 18. Lottery officials are not responsible for loss of life during military service.

REPUBLIC OF MOIST BREACHED BY SPY

The newfound Republic of Moist, in Whitemud Park, has been spied upon by an unknown rockman. The one and only policeman in the country, Nobe Nober, caught him and interrogated him. At first, the spy claimed he was “Just an innocent bystander!” However, later in the interview, he admitted he was a Canadian spy. Moist told Mayor Braun that he will have to relocate his country if more suspicious activity goes on there. It is unknown why the spy was spying, but it was probably to gauge if Moist is currently a threat to Canada. (which is very doubtful!) At the moment, the spy is tied to a tree and under surveillance by Nobe Nober. He will be released if he either promises not to tell anyone about Moist or if he becomes a citizen of Moist.

REPUBLIC RECIEVES MESSAGE FROM MOIST

The president of Moist, Mr. Moist, sent Mayor Braun a message about national security that the Mayor decided to make public. It said “Our country, though far away from the Dictatorship of Goddanged, is endangered by it. I think it would be possible that the spy we caught will tell the Dictatorship about us, if he is released. The only defense our country has is one policeman with a knife. We are peaceful, but if attacked our only response could be to hide and hope we don’t get murdered. That’s why we need your help. If the Dictatorship attacks us, please remember our agreement. (10 litres of water a month for military protection) Good luck defending yourselves!“ (Edited by Mr. Matthew Carpenter)

FIRST COMPUTER IN COUNTRY IMPORTED

A used HP computer has been imported from Canada to the Republic. This marks the first time an item this expensive has been bought for personal use. It will be sold to the richest rockman in the country, Rogey Richman.

GROINLAND   (by Groiniscous)

NATIONAL DEFENSE CHANGES

Since the newfound Dictatorship of Disguster has been established, changes have been implemented by Groinrich. They involve hiring another border guard and spending some of the president’s money on guns to sell at a discount ($10) to citizens. Mayor Braun confirmed he would help us in the case of an attack. I think we shouldn’t worry, though. We’ve got a militia of everyone in the country except Groin-maker, Busygroin, and President Groinchard, which is 64 rockmen! The President said today “If you see any suspicious activity, groin it and then tell me!”

SUSANO MURDERED!

A Groinish citizen who has accused President Groinrich of groining her has just been murdered. She was killed in the South Side of the town centre while taking a late-night stroll. Suspects are few, but an investigation has started. The murder weapon appears to be a knife or similar sharp object. If you have any information, talk to the Groin Police.

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION:

There has been some snow, but not as much as expected. Exporting has been modest. However, the tourism industry has been doing very well. Most of the national income, in fact, has been from tourism.

SNOW Some snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 70
ICE There is little ice in the area, and few buyers.
Selling: $.90/pound Volume: 5
DRINKING WATER A Groinland entrepreneur named Busygroin has made his own water purifier with the help of his employee, Jack LeMon. Busygroin claims the machine can make water from snow to potable drinking water by using burnt garbage for fuel.
Selling: $.70/litre  Volume: 20
TIMBER Timber sales are essentially at a standstill due to legal disagreements between rockmen and landowners.
Selling: $1/ pound Volume: 2

-TOURISM Because of the pleasant weather, tourists have been a-plenty. Most of the national income has come from them.                                                                              Price $1-$10   Volume: 24
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $220 since Jan 1 -BAUGHT- $189 since Jan 1

TOURISM INDUSTRY BOOMS

The South Republic has recently been experiencing a record number of tourists, considering it is winter! Each one is charged a dollar to enter into the Republic. After that, many support local businesses by buying memorabilia and trinkets at them. This is great for the economy, considering how volatile farming can be in profits. Hopefully, things will go on like this. I’m almost certain that if the Republic invented more unique food items and a signature style we’d get even more tourists.

OBITUARY:

Susano was murdered on the 13th of January. She will be cremated. Friends are invited to her funeral at the Groinish Church. “Oh my groin! That’s horrible she died! I thought she was so amazingness” – Her sister Susangroin “Whoever did it should be moidered and then groined!” -President Groinrich

Letters: “It’s a great inconvenience that the Edmonton police failed to permanently dispose of the Dictatorship of Disguster! I can hardly believe it rebuilt itself so fast. Now, it is an even more hazardous country. I am however pleased about our recent national security improvements. Maybe they will enable us to fight off the Dictatorship if they attack us” –Professor Colie

“It’s a good thing we made allies with the Republic of Moist. However, if they get attacked by the Dictatorship of Goddanged, we have no choice but to defend them! That will be very hard considering that they have no means of defending themselves and guns are banned there! I hope it doesn’t come down to that.” –Bark Gleason

“I was listen-inge to the radio and some weird O told me that he’s groining to murder all of us! And he said he was called Goddanged Buper. But he don’t know that I will groin his groin and then I’ll moider him and hiself if he attempts to do it to me! My country is the best one! I’ll defend it with my life! I’ll defend it with my groin!” -Groinasmarter

“I’m going to do it! I’m going to! Join them and become the same flesh and blood! Oh yes! Watch out, Groinland! I’m groining to help them moider you! Oh yes, I loooove Dictator Goddanged! He’s so goddanged! He’s such niceness! We’re groining to moider y’all!”            –Groinagroin

 Map: