“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 17, APRIL 21, 2012 Index: 1 International 2-4 South Republic 5 Business 6-9 Ads 10 Obituaries 11-12 Letters and map
Tagged as humor, news, funny news, secret, movie ban, Joe’s Secret Club, and despot.
INFORMATION ON JOE’S SECRET CLUB REVEALED
Census data for Joe’s Secret Club has been leaked by an anonymous person working for the South Republic. The population of Joe’s Secret Club is currently 48. A lot of people there live underground, for extra secrecy. Because of the mix of people from Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country, there has been tension among Joe’s Secret Club. The two different types of citizens generally don’t talk to each other or socialize.
South Republic Section
JOEL COMPTON COMMITS SUICIDE
Joel Compton, a man known for complaining about debt, killed himself last Monday. He was living alone in his house. Joel left a note, which said he did it because he was sick of politics and national debt. This is presumed to be the first time a suicide has happened for that particular reason, at least in the South Republic.
PROTEST FOR BANNED MOVIE
The Liberal and Groin parties have organized a protest to legalize a recently-banned movie, “The Art of Murdering” Approximately twenty people showed up for the protest, and they carried signs and yelled about the movie. However, a poll showed that most of the populous in the South Republic approves the movie ban. Also, the mayor does not seem to have any plans to legalize the movie anytime soon.
GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE PROMOTED
In the South Republic Gun Shop, the new apprentice will be promoted to Gunsmith Assistant in a few days. He has shown tremendous ability in gunsmithing, and exceeded the owner’s expectations. Once he is promoted, the shop will once again be producing just as many firearms as it typically does.
CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)
Internationally, the union between Joe’s Fun Club and the Secreter’s Country will be good for both of them. That scares me. Although Joe’s Fun Club only was hardly a threat, they may get overly aggressive because of overconfidence in their power. Also, the Secreter’s Country may have secret weapons or blueprints that could cause damage if used against the South Republic.
Groinland is selling even more knives. I honestly hope the G.C.C gets replaced by an industry that cannot murder people so easily. Knife production in a country like Groinland can only mean murder, murder, and more murder. However, it is beneficial for their economy, which means something.
The South Republic economy is still going downhill. The primary reason for this is the cattle industry. Even ten head of cattle can cause a temporary debt in our country. Next year, though, the South Republic will hopefully be big enough to not be susceptible to such trivial problems.
ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing quite well ever since the War of Goddanged ended. Mean value: $7 Volume: 101 -BEEF FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0 –FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only four guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 4
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $1200 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1315 since Feb. 19
-National Debt- $3527 (+$150)
GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION
WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself? Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!
REPTILE WATCHER’S CLUB
For a long time, bird watching has been popular. Now, there is the new and improved version- Reptile Watching! Look at lizards, geckos, salamanders and more! Meet up with other Reptile Watchers! Learn special reptile noises and how to call reptiles. Maybe even try to complete the famous “Reptile Watcher’s List!”
Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation! Make money! Make enemies! Funness!
FOOD TASTER’S CLUB
Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!
Someone named Liam Diver died from drowning in a swimming pool. He apparently got tired swimming while the lifeguard was busy flirting with someone. Meanwhile, Liam Diver drowned. Too bad.
Letters to the Editor:
“This newspaper sucks! I’m going to buy the Groinland News instead! They’re so much more interesting! You guys are boring and stupid! LOL!”
“Hey- what’s up? What are you doing? NO! I mean; what are you really doing? Lots of secretive activities, I’m sure! I need to know your secrets! Tell me and they will be even MORE secret! I keep secrets better than secrets keep me, because they don’t! Tell me and you won’t regret you secrets!”
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