Political graph of all the countries!

 

I put all the micronations on this little graph. It represents the combined opinions of their citizens. For example, even though the South Republic has a party that agrees with Groinland, since nobody votes for it, it doesn’t make the South Republic have the same views as Groinland.

Comparing these nations to ones that really exist, the South Republic is like the USA, Canada is between the South Republic and Bob’s Fun Club, and Nazi Germany was a bit like the Dictatorship of Goddanged.

Judging from this graph, which country’s government do you like the most?

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S.R news issue 15

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 15, APRIL 6, 2012                                                                            Index: 1-2International  3 South Republic  4 Business  5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries  9-10 Letters and map

*

International Section

JOE’S PALACE COMPLETED

Costing an astounding $4540, Joe’s palace is a sight to behold. It is made out of wooden planks, and has six rooms! He says “I had to murder one of my builders because he was conspiring against me diabolically! But the other ones were good so I let them live.” Two guards armed with knives are constantly on watch for all the people that want to murder Joe. Not surprisingly, another two citizens moved out of Joe’s Fun Club last week, bringing the total population down to 21.

South Republic Section

MURDERBALL GAME- HURTERS DAMAGE MANGLERS!

Another game of Murderball was played at the South Republic jail. The South Republic team, the Manglers, was beaten by Groinland’s Hurters. Although the game was close to a tie for the first half, one of the Manglers yelled an insult to the Hurters and the Hurters started to play more roughly. That led them to get more point from their Hitter, and narrowly beat the Manglers. There was one fatality and four injuries, three of which are serious. Most importantly, one of the Mangler’s star players (Jeff Smasher) was almost killed. He will be in the hospital for at least a few weeks while the Manglers get a replacement.

Final: 16 Hurters / 12 Manglers

GUN BUILDER’S APPRENTICE REPLACED

The gunsmith of the South Republic found his apprentice asleep at work, and decided to replace him with someone else. His friends have complained, saying he should have given the apprentice another chance, but the gunsmith did not change his mind.

The new apprentice is rather green, and will take two or three weeks to train, so expect decreased output from the SR Gun Shop.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, not a whole lot has changed since last week. Joe’s Fun Club has been shrinking for a long time, and now it only has 22 people in it! It will not be a surprise if the country just collapses from its own weight.

Groinland has been doing well, and sales from the GCC (Groinland Cutlery Corp.) have been higher.

The South Republic economy has been revving up more lately. The warmer weather has led to increased tourism, and a better overall mood for buying and selling.

The debt has not been shrinking all though, and I have some bad news in that department. Firstly, as you have read, the SRGS (S.R Gun Shop) will be making fewer firearms, which will lead to a slower economy. They should get rolling again when the apprentice gets trained, though.

I do not honestly expect the economy to recover from buying the calves a few weeks ago until they are sold as meat. When that happens, we may be better off or doing just as well as before the calves were bought. That is a mystery, though.

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well ever since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 104

-CATTLE FARMING is very bad for the national debt at the moment, but should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS Since a new apprentice is being trained at the SRGS, only two guns were made last week. Selling: $65 Volume: 2
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $858 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1275 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2920  (+$417)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands up or hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting.

Letters to the Editor:
“I am so sick of the national debt! It is slowly creeping lower and lower, like a horrible cockroach! Gross! Every time I read this ridiculous paper, I find the debt is BIGGER and BIGGER! Oh God! NO! It’s almost at three thousand dollars! NO!!! I can’t survive it! It’s TOO MUCH!”

-Joel Compton

“Hey, did you ever think of reading a book? It’s a great thing to do. Sometimes, when I read a book, I just feel in the mood to eat it up like a nice little 198-page cherry pie. Yum yums. Then, I wanna wash it like the pie dish, because pie crumbs are dirty. Grossness. My favorite book is probably a cookbook, because cookbooks taste so nice. They taste like food. Some cookbooks taste like the food they’re about, and some don’t. How stupid!”

-Talker

Map:

Link to previous news issue (#14)

Link to next news issue (#16)

S.R news issue 14

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR COMPREHENSIVE SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 14, APRIL 1, 2012                                                                            Index: 1-2International  3 South Republic  4 Business  5-7 Ads 8 Obituaries  9-10 Letters and map

International Section

JOE PLANS HIS PALACE

Joe, the Despot of Joe’s Fun Club, has ordered the plans for the creation of a “magnificent palace” for him. The work will be done by the few citizens of the “fun club” that have not moved to Canada. The palace will be made out of wood, and have three stories. It will have a throne and lots of things to do in it. Joe plans to build in in the center of his country.

JOE CHANGES FUN CLUB LAWS

“It’s repulsive that Bob’s Fun Club was only open on Saturdays and Sundays! My country will be open all week, 24 hours a day!” said Joe. He has changed many laws, especially the treason laws. Here is a sampling of the laws:

  1. “Anyone suspected of treason can be murdered for free”
  2. “Anyone who murders someone who is not suspected of treason will be murdered”
  3. “Everyone must give 10% of all their food, water, money, and land to Joe”
  4. “Everyone must address Joe as Joe. If someone calls him something else, they will be suspected of treason. See rule 1.”
  5. “Joe can kick anyone out of his country if he feels in the mood to”  

South Republic Section

PEACE TALKS WITH JOE’S FUN CLUB FAIL

Frank Kelspie has had a political talk with Joe of Joe’s Fun Club, but it was not very successful. Although Kelspie tried to negotiate to protect Joe’s Fun Club for a small monthly fee, Joe declined, saying: “My country is better! We can defend ourselves! It’s you that needs the protection.”

However, Joe’s Fun Club has only 34 citizens, and guns are banned there. Kelspie also told Joe that he would pay him $15 a month if he didn’t attack the South Republic, plus $10 upfront. That remark has drawn much criticism from Republicans, who say tax dollars should not be spent on buying off other countries.

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Groinland has been buying rose seeds to plant, so their national debt is slightly bigger than it used to be. However, it is still smaller than the debt of the South Republic. ($2400)

Joe’s Fun Club is so small that it doesn’t even have its own currency yet, despite their law “10% of all incomes must be given to Joe.” Because of that, I still hardly call Joe’s Fun Club a real country.  Also, Canada has been getting more immigrants from Joe’s Fun Club, because they decide they do not want to be in a dictatorship.

The South Republic economy has been lagging, even though slightly more tourists have shown up this week. Primarily, the cattle industry has been the reason for the increased debt. However, like I said before, it should eventually pay off once the steers fatten up. 

ECONOMIC INFORMATION IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 97                                                                                                                 -BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 0                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 6
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $1069 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $1300 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2500.5  (+$231)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

ATTACKER’S CLUB

Does the very prospect of self-offense make you excited? Do you want to attack things and people? Then join the Groinish Attacker’s Club! Just don’t tell anyone- it’s a secret! Learn how to use self-offense to your advantage in any situation!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named Charles Fisher died while hunting. Apparently, he shot himself by accident. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.

Also, someone named Greg Hunter died while he was fishing. A blue marlin impaled him and murdered him. He will be buried in the water, because he unfortunately didn’t tell anyone how he wanted to be buried.

Letters to the Editor:
“Really, I think Frank Kelspie shouldn’t be a Conservative! If you’re in the habit of spending tax dollars bribing other countries, you’re more of a Liberal. He should change parties.”
-Gerald Dlareg

“Joe is the best! He deserves free food! Joe is the best! He’s always in a groove! Joe is the best! He is such a dude!”

-Joe’s Lover

Map:
Image

Link to previous news issue (#13)

Link to next news issue (#15)

S.R news issue 13

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 13, MARCH 24,2012                                                                                                                  Index: 1-4International  5-7 South Republic

8 Business  9-11 Ads 12 Obituaries  13-14 Letters and map


International section:

JOE’S FUN CLUB ESTABLISHED!

Joe, the person who murdered Bob, has become the leader of what is now Joe’s Fun Club. He has made no secret of his evil intentions.                                                 “I plan to eat ten percent of everyone’s food. I also want ten percent of everyone’s land. And every time they make money, they have to give me ten percent. Oh yes! I know what I’ll do with the money! Yes I do! I’ll use it up myself! HAHAHA!”

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORP. UNDERPERFORMING

The once-wildly-popular Groinland Cutlery Corporation has made slowl business recently. Although they used to design many new knifes every week, the main knife creater has been sick, so he has not invented any more knives. Sales have lagged, because people only buy products from the G.C.C when they are new.

“Eww! After about a week, I don’t want their gross knives any more. But when they release new ones and all of my friends make a huge line at the store, I NEED to have one!” -Anonymous stranger 

South Republic Section

-add in the results of the Manglers versus the Hurters in a new murderball game

ANOTHER MURDERBALL GAME PLAYED!

In the South Republic Prison, a team of Groiners (the Hurters) and Republicans (the Manglers) fought each other in a brutally disgusting game of Murderball. Although the Hurters did a good job of hitting the Mangler’s throwers at first, they eventually slowed down, giving the Manglers the advantage. It was a suspenseful and entertaining game, though.

It is widely known that the Hurters do poorly because of their bad teamwork. However, some people have suggested that another reason why the Hurters fail is because they have a less aggressive name.

Score: 14 Manglers 10 Hurters

Murderball rules link 

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

Internationally, Groinland is planning to plant roses in their newly-acquired plot of land. (located on territory that used to belong to the Dictatorship of Goddanged) Since the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club is such a mess, the economy there is doing horrible. I do not really count the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club as a real country, though. It seems more like a joke to me.

Here in the South Republic, the economy has been going at a tolerable pace, although it has seen better days in the last few months.
The weather earlier last week was nice enough to permit a large amount of tourists to tour the Republic. Tour guides have actually started to pop up,
and their high prices for tours have boosted the economy significantly.
Due to the recent deluge of snow, (even though it’s spring) a large volume of snow has been sold. That involved unburying the snow-machines,
because it was assumed the last snow of the season had already occurred.

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 92

                                 -BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 10                                                                                                                                                                                                              –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $969 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $2037 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2274.5  (+$1023)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for all of your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff! Buy it now!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named George Walker died from getting a heart attack while running. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone
feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. (Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.)

Letters to the Editor
“Wow. That snowfall last night was so beautiful! I took a nice, enjoyable little walk. It was so serene. Gosh, I love the snow. Maybe I should move to the
Northwest Territories.”
-Patricia Warsh

“You know what is so ugly these days… CARS! Ford makes the grossest cars ever! They’re like gosh-darned disgusting! Just try to look at one for more than five seconds. Grossness.”

-Complainter Sullivan

“Why is EVERYTHING in this damned newspaper about eating! There’s a Food Taster’s Club, people who died from eating, articles about eating, information
about food and TOO MUCH ELSE. You know what I want- I want someone to write an article about POOPING! Too much food, not enough poop! We need more
poop!”
-I Hate Food!

Previous issue (#12)

Map:

S.R news issue 12 (special issue!)

SPECIAL ISSUE!

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 12, MARCH 17, 2012                                                               

Index: 1-4International  5-7 South Republic  8 Business  9-11 Ads 12 Obituaries  13-14 Letters and map

FRED ASSASSINATED!

Fred’s rival, Joe, killed him two days ago. Joe and Fred used to be friends, but, seeing that the country was in turmoil, Joe decided to capitalize on his only opportunity.

Now Joe is hoping to take the country over for himself and turn it into a dictatorship like the Dictatorship of Goddanged! He says: “I would like to have a lot of free food. And maybe some wine, too. I would be such a good despot. I would arrest everyone who didn’t agree with me! It’s gonna be lots of fun.” Now, there is a chance that either Joe will actually become a despot or be replaced by someone else. If he does get replaced, we can only hope he will be better and not worse than Joe.

Since there is no police force in what used to be Fred’s Fun Club, there is no force opposing Joe except the citizens of the fun club. Their options are to do nothing, try to kill Joe, or immigrate to Canada.

GROINLAND EXPANDS

In an area that was formerly in the Dictatorship of Goddanged, Groinland has bought 50 acres of land. They will be using it for building and creating forests. Since a major industry in Groinland is selling roses, this will present a great opportunity for that industry.

The population of Groinland is more than a hundred, and rapidly growing. It is good for them that they managed to acquire so much more land.

BUSYGROIN INCREASES OUTPUT

Busygroin, a Groinish entrepreneur, has built another water-distilling machine for Groinland. He did it because the forests in the new territory in Groinland will need watering. Busygroin expects the water output to change from 10 liters per day to 25 liters per day. It should be just enough to water the new rose plants the Groiners just planted in their newly-acquired land.

CRAZY SHOOTER ARRESTED IN GROINLAND

Some random weirdo named the Crazy Shooter was arrested in Groinland yesterday. He will be sent to prison for a year for a crime that doesn’t actually have a name. The Crazy Shooter went to the center of the town and started to randomly shoot everything that wasn’t alive. He caused a lot of property damage, but miraculously avoided actually shooting anybody! Even though Groinland’s very loose gun laws are unlikely to change, there is a good chance people there will become more wary of publicly carrying guns.

Because Groinland is so thinly policed, it took 2 days for the Crazy Shooter to be arrested. Because of that, 4 Groiners moved to the South Republic, saying they “didn’t feel safe.” Thanks for the immigrants, Groinland!

South Republic Section

IMPULSE MURDERER REPEATS CRIME!

The “Impulse Murderer,” who murders because he “feels in the mood to,” has claimed another victim. Bob the Billder was recently killed by the Impulse Murderer. He left a note at the crime scene saying “I was bored of the South Republic. I felt like making things more interesting. You guys are hopelessly mundane.” A piece of advice for the murderer- if you want to make things interesting, have a party or something! Don’t murder for fun! It’s not legal!

KELSPIE PASSES ALCOHOL BILL

The long-awaited Alcohol Bill (invented by the Liberal party) has been passed in a modified form by Frank Kelspie. Since a Conservative like Kelspie would be viewed suspiciously if he passed an unchanged Liberal bill, Kelspie decided to make an amendment to the bill. The changed version says “1-1 Alcohol can be imported to the South Republic and sold with a regular sales tax IF the buyer is old enough. 1-2 Drinking alcohol in any amount while under the legal age is a misdemeanor punishable by a fine. ” Although a few people are mad about this bill, most are happy that the alcohol ban has finally been reversed. Even though Kelspie won’t admit it, it seems that the main reason the alcohol bill was passed was because of the Western Heritage Party. (which has a drinking contest)

Some Liberals have actually claimed Kelspie was bought off by the Western Heritage Fund, but this has not been confirmed. If it is, Kelspie’s reputation will surely suffer.

WESTERN PARTY COMPETITION RESULTS

The very successful Western Heritage Party held at the Baptist Church a few days ago involved a shooting competition, drinking competition, gambling competition, spitting competition, and eating competition. The party drew in a ton of money for the Western Heritage Fund. The prizes included gear, money, or free food. (in the eating competition) The complete results are posted here.

Shooting: The Pistol division involves a bullseye at 10 yards. The rifle division uses a bullseye at 20 yards. Quick draw is a head-to-head competition using blanks.

Pistol Division: 1st place- Harvey Skinner with 162/200 points.

2nd place- Peter Falrickson with 138 points.

Rifle Division: 1st place- Frank Rinehart with 185/200 points.

2nd place- Peter Falrickson with 174 points.

Quick Draw division: 1st place- Harvey Skinner with a .293 second draw.

2nd place- Liam Vanner with a .304 second draw.

Drinking: The drinking competition proves which competitor can drink the most without moving out of their assigned circle or falling over. The circle is only two feet across, so staying in it is difficult when drunk! Competitors are obviously only allowed in one division per day.

Beer division:

1st place-Jim Jones, with 4 cans under his belt!

2nd place- Will Yammer, drinking 3 ½ cans of beer.

Whiskey division:

1st place- Liam Vanner with an amazing 5 ½ shots of whiskey!

2nd place- tied between Nathan Mcphee and Francis DeFry. Both drank 4 shots of whiskey.

Gambling: Racing is in the gambling division because of the bets placed on who will win.

Poker division:

1st place- John Demarquis with $29.

2nd place- Paul Smith with $17.

Racing:

100 yard division:

1st place- Joe Gould, with 17.48 seconds

2nd place- Owen Robertson, with 17.87 seconds.

Spitting: Spitting does not involve any foreign substances. Just spit. Participants are watched for twenty minutes beforehand to make sure they don’t cheat. They get to use 1-foot-high platforms if they want.

1st place- Bob Williamson with 4.23 feet.

2nd place- Garth Carpenter with 3.84 feet.

Eating: Eating is the most varied sport of all. It has the most divisions: 5. Winners get their food for free. No utensils are allowed in any division except the steak division. Only first-place winners are included to save space.

Pie division:

Frank Mcdonald ate a whole pie in just 42 seconds.

Hot Dog division:

Bob Barkman ate 5 hot dogs in one minute.

Burger division:

In a very close round, Hank James topped off the others by finishing his burger in just 21 seconds.

Corn division:

In this endurance battle, Dan Mcmillan managed to eat the astounding number of 11 corn cobs.

Steak division:

Taking a longer time than anyone else, John “Fatso” Lumpkin ate an amazing 19 ounces of steak. He took 27 minutes.

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The best benefiter of the local economy has definitely been the Western Heritage Party. Although it isn’t very easy to convince people to give up their money, the party did a great job boosting the economy. Now, a greater percentage of the South Republic’s GDP is in the Western Heritage Fund. I hope they spend it wisely!

In other areas, the warm weather has changed the industries from snow-selling to construction and beef farming. The tourism market has been successful since about a month ago, and that can only be expected to increase in the future.

The main event lately, aside from the W.H party, has been the importation of beef calves. They cost about $150 each, setting our debt to a much higher level until they are sold. However, they will reap a good profit if all goes well. Even if we don’t export the meat, it will feed the Republic and lower food importation prices.

-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                           Mean value: $7 Volume: 92                                                                                                                 BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment)

Buying: $150 Volume bought: 10                                                                                                                                                             –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $969 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $2037 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2274.5  (+$1023)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some tasty food together!

OBITUARIES:

-Rest in peace, Fred!

-Someone named Eater died from pooping. No funeral will be held, since he had no friends.

“Eater sounded like a real waste of resources. The South Republic will reap large benefits because of his demise. It’s lucky for us we don’t have to waste any more food on him.” –James Mcphilian

Letters:

“I thought the Western Heritage Party was probably the best event that has EVER happened in the South republic. Me and my friends had a blast! I can’t wait until another event goes on. I’ll be there!” –Joe Robertson

“Oh God! It don’int work! They ain’t good! Fred’s dead! Oh God! NO! I’m going to murder myself! NO!” –Farmer Hobo

“You know what- I’m sik of reading yer horrible letters! No one can spell wordz and their real bad at things. They suck! I h8 it! God-danged! Goddamn-ned!” -Anonyamis

Next issue (#13)

Previous issue (#11)

Map: 

Image

S.R news issue 11

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 11, MARCH 9, 2012                                                                                                                                                                  Index: 1International  2-4 South Republic  5 Business  6-8 Ads 9 Obituaries  10-11 Letters and map

FRED’S FUN CLUB IN STATE OF UNREST

Fred’s Fun Club, which used to be Bob’s Fun Club, has experienced a lot of civil turmoil from the death of Bob from the flu. Citizens are rioting and even immigrating away from Fred’s Fun Club or quitting the activities.

“It’s so horrible how much they hate me!” says Fred. “I am a good ruler!”

A number of people have been petitioning to raise Bob from the dead with voodoo magic and turn him into a zombie king. They claim “Anything is better than Fred!”

Hopefully, things will draw to a resolution eventually.

South Republic Section

MAYOR ELECTION

Vice President chosen!

The election results for the new Mayor of the South Republic have come in! Winning by an eight-percent margin, Frank Kelspie of the Conservative party, will be the new mayor. This is the first time since many months ago that the Conservatives were able to win the election! (the last two mayors were Farmers.) Frank Kelspie saus much of his success came from his volunteers donating money and helping with his campaign.

Kelspie has chosen his vice president. Unlike in the U.S.A, mayors in the South Republic usually choose other candidates from the election as their vice president. In this case, Kelspie chose Henry Lemass, the leader of the Farmer party. The Farmer party and  Conservative party have similar political views, but their main difference is that the Farmer party believes in a bigger government than the Conservative party.

The vote results were actually somewhat surprizing, aside from Frank Kelspie winning, which was rather predictable. For example, Mr West’s Wife, of the Protective Party, was very successful, doing as well as the Liberal party! Just a few weeks ago, she was so obscure that the Protective party didn’t officially count as a party.

Josh Boredom was the major loser of the election. His votes either went to the Conservatives, Farmers, Liberals, or Protectors, generally.

Groinfun did as well as anyone would expect someone from the Groinland party to do.

Here is a graph of the votes:

DARK SECRETNESS KILLS INNOCENT VICTIM!

In a letter addressed to the public, someone named Dark Secretness said last week that he food give someone some “free food” if they met him behind the store at night. He “promised” he wouldn’t “murder them!” However, it seems like Dark Secretness lies a lot because he did murder the first person to respond to his letter. The police caught Dark Secretness, and he apologized, saying “Whoops, I guess I made a mistake. Maybe murdering is a bad option.” Dark Secretness will have a trial and is expected to go to jail for years.

IMPULSE MURDERER STRIKES AGAIN!

Another murder has been committed by someone going by the name of the “impulse murderer.” Lock your windows, because the Impulse Murderer is armed and dangerous! In an alleged interview with one of his friends, we have a glimpse into the psychology of the Impulse Murderer.

Interviewer: So who did you murder?

Murderer: Oh, I murdered one of my old friends named Bill. I was sick of being friends with him, and I didn’t like the fact that he supported the Farmers party.

Interviewer: So you killed him?

Murderer: Yep. I felt in the mood to do some murdering that night. Just like I feel in the mood to eat chocolate sometimes.

Interviewer: How was it?

Murderer: It was pretty enjoyable. Murdering is a pleasant hobby. I like it. Too bad it’s so illegal.

Interviewer: Do you have plans to stop murdering?

Murderer: When I get in jail or get shot dead by the police. I won’t really have a choice.

That is the interview given to the police by the Impulse Murderer’s friend, Bill. Bill says the Impulse Murderer is a “horribler.”

An alert has been issued, saying to not trust strangers and be suspicious of friends. No one is sure just what the Impulse Murderer looks like. A twenty dollar reward has been put up by the South Republic Police, and that may become bigger with time!

WESTERN HERITAGE PARTY HELD

At the Baptist Church, a party for ex-Westerners will be held next Tuesday. It will involve a shooting competition, drinking competition, gambling competition, spitting competition, and eating competition. The most anticipated competition is a draw between the gambling competition and eating competition. It is one of the most anticipated events of the whole winter! Although ex-westerners are encouraged to go, Southerners are also allowed provided they stand on good terms with the West. Entry fee: five dollars. Competition price is two dollars.

The Western Republic was a country in the early days of the South Republic that eventually merged together with the South. Competition results will be posted in next week’s edition of the S.R news. It’s so exciting!

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The economy has been speeding up in the tourism department. Many people, primarily from Canada, have been visiting the South Republic. The most popular tourism spots are the Mayor’s office, Senate, and economic zones.

However, the snow and ice sales have been dropping severely because of the warm weather. Snow sales are less than half of what they were last week.

The same amount of firearms has been produced as normal. They have been selling at sixty-five dollars for the past months.

The national debt is shrinking at approximately $150 dollars a week. At this rate, it will only take three to five months to eliminate the debt. Hopefully, things will go to plan.

SNOW A very small amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 50

ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Mean value: $6 Volume: 79                                                                                                                                                                           –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                                               Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $824 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $650 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1206.5  (-174)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

YOU NEED PROTECTION!

Feel alone and scared all day? Feel like someone is going to groin you against your will? Feel like you will be assaulted? Feel like you will be murdered? Call us! We protect people. 555-394-2839 Bodyguard Services. Only $80 a day.

Obituaries:

Rest in Peace, Bob. You did a great job as Do-er.

Someone named Pee-er died from water intoxication. No funeral will be held, since he has no friends.

“What a horrible name! Pee-er! I hate  it! It’s a good thing he’s dead!” –Grumpy Old Bob

Letters:

“Oh God! Bob was my best friend! Oh God! NO!” –Bill

“I want some free food too! Where is Dark Secretness when I need him?” –Calvin

“I need to eat some tastes. Did you know horses need to taste fourty pounds of tastes every day? That a lotta taste to taste!”     -Taster

“Mmmm. Cake and cookies taste best together! Lemon meringue cake and melon meringue cookies are the best combo ever!”                          -Miraculous Food Cooker

Map:

S.R news issue 10

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 10, MARCH 3,  2012                                                                Index: 1-2 International  3-5 South Republic  6 Business  7-9 Ads 10 Obituaries  11-12 Letters and map

BOB’S FUN CLUB BECOMES FRED’S FUN CLUB

Bob, who was ill last week, has died from sickness. His best friend, Fred, will take over his country. Bob was buried in the ground in the center of his country. He will be missed. There will be a funeral for him during the upcoming week.

At the moment, Fred is doing Bob’s duties and trying his best to keep things under control in his mini-country.

“FORTUNER” ARRESTED

In Groinland, a fraudulent fortune teller has been arrested. The Fortuner has been complained-about by more than five Groinish citizens. He is known for saying very mundane fortunes like “You will do a lot of eating and pooping” and “You will sleep approximately seven hours a night for the next year.”

He also has said ridiculous fortunes like “You will ride an elephant next Sunday,” and “You will sit down for four days straight this month, without getting up at all!”

Police have temporarily put him in the holding center, and he may be put in jail if found guilty. If he does not go to jail, he might have to repay the people he took money from.

South Republic Section

MAYOR ELECTION NEXT WEEK

Polls have been taken, showing the South Republic’s opinion on which political party is their favorite. Even though the Party party is shown on the diagram, it is not possible to actually vote for it, because they do not have a candidate.

Conservative: Frank Kelspie   (31% popularity, going up) 

Mr. Kelspie has had an astounding run so far. The conservative party has went from the second most popular by ten points, to the most popular. Since Frank appeals to people in the city as well as the country, he has taken a slight lead over Henry Lemass. The other reason for his success is that Mr. Kelspie is more skilled at public speaking and articulate.

Farmer: Henry Lemass (22% popularity, going down slowly)

Henry has been the forefront of the Farmer’s Party for a while. Although he doesn’t have the same way of speaking as frank Kelspie, Henry appeals to simple working men and farmers.

Moderate: Josh Boredom (12% popularity, going down)

Josh has honestly not taken the Moderate Party any farther than it was without him. The problem with Moderates is their trouble winning votes from hardcore Liberals or Conservatives. Not many are in-between in ideal ology, making Boredom’s chances for election rather slim.

Liberal: Kelly James (14% popularity, going up slowly)

Kelly has won over a few votes from the more extremist Groin party and Party party. She is a good portrayer of the Liberal party. Even though she doesn’t have the spunk of Mr. Kelspie, Kelly has been far from a setback for the Liberal party.

Protective: Mr. West’s Wife (14% popularity, going up quickly)

The newfound Protective party has had the fastest growth in the entire history of the Republic. The Protective party believes in a style of government similar to the Farmer party, but more left-wing. Still, they are not half as extreme as communists, economically.

Groinland: Groinfun (7% popularity, going up slowly)

The Groinland party has slowly been rising in popularity, but the only reason why is because it is slowly becoming more normal. Groinfun is one of the most conservative people ever to step out of Groinland, so he has advanced the party from invisibility to modest success. Part of the reason why is because the Party party’s candidate has been arrested.

Party: (no candidate! No popularity.)

Since the candidate for the Party party has been arrested, it will be impossible to vote for it. Because of this, the 5% popularity they had will be split among the Groin and Liberal parties.

 

VANDALISTER CAUGHT AND IDENTIFIED!

The Vandalister was turned in by one of his friends for the reward money. He has been identified as Fun Man, the spokesperson of the Party party.

Developing Story: CHRISTIANISH AND BAPTIST CHURCHES SPAR

It started when the Christianish church said they tolerated the Party Party. Then, the Baptist church said the Liberal party was “immature and irresponsible.” Ever since then, the two churches have been fighting over moral ground.

Recently, a Christianister went over to the Baptist Church and attended mass there. After, he said the priest was an “old annoyance” and that someone more youthful should replace him.

The leader of the Baptist church has been opinionated on the matter, which has only made matters worse. He says the Christianisters should “learn tolerance and common sense.”

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The economy has been slowing down slightly in terms of tourism, but snow sales have soared because of the recent snowstorm! An unequaled weekly amount of snow has been sold, beating the previous record twofold.

Like I have said before, the gunsmith of the South Republic has been making quality work. His assistant has been learning the ropes and will be able to assemble guns proficiently soon.

SNOW A very large amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 500

ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                 Mean value: $6 Volume: 35                                                                                                –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                                                                                Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $785 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $625 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1380.5  (-160)

 

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

YOU NEED PROTECTION!

Feel alone and scared all day? Feel like someone is going to groin you against your will? Feel like you will be assaulted? Feel like you will be murdered? Call us! We protect people. 555-394-2839 Bodyguard Services. Only $70 a day.

Obituaries:

Rest in Peace, Bob. You did a great job as Do-er.

Someone named Pooper died from overeating. He said he didn’t care what happened to his body, so a decision has not been made about that matter. No friends came to his funeral.

Letters:

“Oh God! Bob was my best friend! Oh God! NO!” –Bill

“Hey, wanna meet me behind the store tonight? I’ll give you some food for free. I promise I won’t murder you!” –Dark Secretness

Map:

S.R news timeline of events (auto-updates)

Since there are already so many articles of S.R news, I thought it would be a good idea to summarize all the events that have happened since January. (which is a lot! The South Republic world moves quickly!)

January 2012

|  Dictatorship of Disguster massacred by Canadian Police.

|  Bob’s Fun Club and Republic of Moist are established.

| Dictatorship of Goddanged replaces Dictatorship of Disguster, and is even worse!!

| Name of newspaper changed from GLSR news to SR news.

| Dictatorship of Goddanged decimates Republic of Moist, only a few survive.

| Kingdom of Crinkle created.

|  Industrial giant Groinland Cutlery Company is established. 

V   Bob’s Fun Club and Kingdom of Crinkle battle.

February 2012

| Kingdom of Crinkle merges into Dictatorship of Goddanged due to damage.

|  Dictatorship of Goddanged loses war!

| South Republic and Groinland expand.

| Period of relative peace.

V Bob’s Fun Club changes to Fred’s Fun Club

March 2012

| Western Heritage event held

| Frank Kelspie wins mayoral election!

| Fred’s Fun Club in state of chaos

| String of murders in the South Republic

| Alcohol legalized in South Republic

V

April 2012

| Bob’s Fun Club becomes Joe’s Fun Club

| Joe creates new, totalitarian laws

| Several murderers at large

| Groinland plants roses

| Joe’s Fun Club merges w/ Secreter’s Country, becomes Joe’s Secret Club

S.R news issue 9

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 9, FEBRUARY 26, 2012

Index: 1-3 International  4-5 South Republic  6 Business  7-8 Ads  9-10 Letters and map

“THE CLEANER” TRIES TO CLEAN UP GROINLAND

A new immigrant to Groinland called The Cleaner has offered free classes in Groinland. The classes are for teaching young Groiners how to be police and proper. The Cleaner is outraged against Groinland’s obscenities.

“Oh God, it’s so disgusting! I hate Groinland! They are so gross! I am going to clean them up if it is the last thing I do! Oh God!”

So far, class attendance is at 0. Updates will be given next week.

GROINANNOYANCE MURDERED!

A local “star” named Groinannoyance was murdered last night. Although the cause of death is unknown, it appears someone attacked him with a knife. (probably from Groinland Cutlery Corporation.) If the killer is found, it may be sent to prison.

Groinannoyance was famous for annoying people with very disgusting sayings. (like “I’m gonna eat you like a food!” and “I’m gonna play you like a game!” and “I’m gonna pee on your poop!”) That is probably what he will be remembered for. Odds are, the killer murdered him because he was sick of Groinannoyance causing a ruckus.

BOB’S FUN CLUB TAKES A BREAK

Bob, the Doer of Bob’s Fun Club, has fallen ill due to pneumonia. Because of that, his country will be taking a break until he either dies or gets better. No club meetings are scheduled this week. Bob says he hopes his country won’t be attacked while it takes a break.

EVEN MORE KNIFE DESIGNS SOLD!

Groinland Cutlery Corporation has made 6 new knife designs. Right now, they are the dominant business in Groinland and are beginning to achieve fame in the South Republic and even Canada!

 

South Republic Section

VANDALISTER STRIKES AGAIN

The Vandalister, an unknown criminal in the South Republic, has spray painted another building in Wellsboro! The graffiti says: “Want a free groining? Call 555-390-2843!” As was last time, the owner of the building with graffiti is outrages. So are the South Republic Policemen. Anyone with information about The Vandalister can tell the police and collect the $15 reward. ($10 more than last time!)

MAYORAL ELECTION IN 2 WEEKS!

The South Republic is having an election to possibly get a new mayor in a few weeks. There are, as usual, a number of candidates. However, some may drop out if they realize they don’t stand a chance of being elected.

Although the candidates for the Conservative and Farmer’s parties are “by the book,” there are other candidates that are unusual for their party. For example, Mr. West’s Wife is running for the bizarre Protective Party.

Here is a chart to help you figure out which parties’ candidate you should vote for.

Definitions: Progressive = new beliefs            Conservative = old beliefs    Fascism = total government    Anarchy = no government

Note: the strange Protective Party is not included, because it has not been recognized as a party yet. However, it would fall under “conservative facism,” like the Farmer’s party.

We have included advertisements from each of the parties here, starting with the most anarchistic.

Wanna party? Vote 4 the party party! It has lots of parties and fun! No taxes and no police 2. Get lots of fun stuff and have a good time! C U at the party!

MMMM. If you love Groinland, you better vote for the Groinland party! We will make lots of things legal! Oh yes! Like groining all the time! How fun! Vote for us, and we won’t disappoint your groin!

The Liberal party is asking for you to help us. We support open borders, help for the poor, and progressive beliefs. If you agree with any one of the above, please vote Liberal this upcoming election!

Feel stuck between the Liberal and Conservative parties? Sick of the Farmer party being archaic? Choose the Moderate party, and we will not disappoint you. We mix the best of the Liberal and Conservative parties into a common-sense ideology.

If you are tired of the Liberal party lying to you, and harming the Republic’s state of affairs, you have found the right party! We agree with you, and will do everything we can to keep Liberals out of office. This election, vote Conservative!

If you know first-hand how hard it can be to raise crops; if you are tired of the Liberals thinking they know best, and if you want real common sense leadership in the Mayor’s office, vote for the Farmer party.

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)

The tourist market is still going strong, but has not improved over last week. There have been few sales in other areas, except firearms. The gunsmith in the South Republic has hired a helper. That means he can crank out four to five guns a week instead of three. Thank gosh he came to the Republic!                

           Otherwise, the national debt is slowly going down, which is necessary, considering Canada could be a potential enemy of the Republic. The debt could go down quicker, but I would say the state of affairs right now is satisfactory.

SNOW A low amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 25
ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                                 Mean value: $6 Volume: 78                                                                                                                                                                                                                           –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.

Selling: $65 Volume: 5
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $805.5 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $610 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $1540.5  (-195.5)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself?  Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

Letters:

“I think it is God-groined depressing how horrible the stupid Cleaner is! Our country is dirty for a reason! Oh my groin! I mean, just shut up and live in the god groined South Republic! Gross!” -Groindanged

“How great it is that things are going well!” –Groinbobber

“I’m happy the gunsmith in the South Republic hired that assistant. He is a very nice guy. Actually, he used to be one of my Canadian friends, before I moved to the Republic.” –Tom Farmer
Map:

S.R news issue 8

-SR NEWS-
“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 8, FEBRUARY 19, 2012

Index: 1-2 International 3 South Republic 4 Business 5 Obituaries  6-7 Ads 8-9 Letters and map

SOUTH REPUBLIC ANNEXES GODDANGED TERRITORY!

The South Republic legally took a lot of land from what used to be the Dictatorship of Goddanged recently. It amounts to 3 square miles. (meaning the S.R is now 175% of the size it used to be.) The land is far west, compared to the rest of the South Republic. Most of it will be used for farming. The rest may be used for building houses or stores.

The South Republic also gave some of the land to Groinland. In their appreciation, Groinland gave the Republic 10 litres of water and 2 guns.  That means that Groinland now has almost twice the land they used to. It sounds like a great opportunity for the Groiners!

MORE GROINISH KNIVES UNVEILED

Since the owner of the G.C. Corporation started selling their newest batch of knives, they have been extremely successful. We predicted there would be a buying rampage, but this was beyond our expectations! People literally camped out to get their choice of the best knife. Catalogs were sold on the black market for up to $5, since you need a catalog to order a knife. Two people even died in the buying rampage! However, it has been good for Groinland’s economy.

4 DIE IN FIRST MURDERBALL MATCH EVER- MANGLERS WIN!

In the first ever official game of Murderball ever, the Manglers beat the Hurters to a gruesome pulp. The game took place in the cafeteria of the Groinland Prison. The end score was 5 for the Manglers, and 2 for the Hurters. 3 players were murdered. At this rate, it won’t be too long before there are not enough players to play! Then, more teams will have to be made. Most of the spectators were rooting for the Manglers, because they had a “Goddamned name!” or a “Amazing amount of murdering power!” or even “Raw brutality!” (quotes from spectators.)

BUSINESS

CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION:

The tourist market has been greatly expanding to the point that it currently constitutes the majority of the economy. This is very important, considering the lack of snow that has occurred recently. The tourists have been buying a lot from the General store in Capital City.

SNOW A low amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound  Volume: 10
ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound  Volume: 2
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended.                                                                                                      

           Mean value: $6 Volume: 73                                                                                                FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.                                

           Selling: $65 Volume: 3
TOTAL ASSETS SOLD $640 since Jan 28 -BAUGHT- $550 since Jan 28

-National Debt- $1736  (-90)

ADS:

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to eat food?  Get a food-eating knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!

Obituaries:

Luckily, only one person has died this week. Everyone knew he would die, anyways.

Mr. Poop Face died of cancer a few days ago. His funeral will be held at the Christianish Church in the South republic. He will be buried next to his dad’s final resting place.

Letters:

“It’s a depressing thing that someone had to invent Murdeball. That game sucks! Who wants a star player to be killed in his first month of playing? That’s the sort of thing that happens in Murderball.”                   –Bob Billman

“Now that I’m thinkin’ about it, why did the Hurters choose such a god-danged wimpy name? That’s why the Manglers are better- they have a more hurtful name! They do! This mouth don’t lie! Nope!”

-Grointalker

I think we should ban the horrible “sport” of Murderball. It’s little more than legalized murder for prison inmates! I don’t believe we should have it. The only way to stop it, though, would be to tell Groinland that THEY have to ban that, and I doubt that will happen.” –Prof. Colie

“In times of war, prepare for times to cut food into pieces. LOL.”

–Harvey Hank

“Oh yes! It’s such greatness! Oh yes! We’re do-inge so well!”

-Groinibobber

Map: