“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA” ISSUE 12, MARCH 17, 2012
Index: 1-4International 5-7 South Republic 8 Business 9-11 Ads 12 Obituaries 13-14 Letters and map
Fred’s rival, Joe, killed him two days ago. Joe and Fred used to be friends, but, seeing that the country was in turmoil, Joe decided to capitalize on his only opportunity.
Now Joe is hoping to take the country over for himself and turn it into a dictatorship like the Dictatorship of Goddanged! He says: “I would like to have a lot of free food. And maybe some wine, too. I would be such a good despot. I would arrest everyone who didn’t agree with me! It’s gonna be lots of fun.” Now, there is a chance that either Joe will actually become a despot or be replaced by someone else. If he does get replaced, we can only hope he will be better and not worse than Joe.
Since there is no police force in what used to be Fred’s Fun Club, there is no force opposing Joe except the citizens of the fun club. Their options are to do nothing, try to kill Joe, or immigrate to Canada.
In an area that was formerly in the Dictatorship of Goddanged, Groinland has bought 50 acres of land. They will be using it for building and creating forests. Since a major industry in Groinland is selling roses, this will present a great opportunity for that industry.
The population of Groinland is more than a hundred, and rapidly growing. It is good for them that they managed to acquire so much more land.
BUSYGROIN INCREASES OUTPUT
Busygroin, a Groinish entrepreneur, has built another water-distilling machine for Groinland. He did it because the forests in the new territory in Groinland will need watering. Busygroin expects the water output to change from 10 liters per day to 25 liters per day. It should be just enough to water the new rose plants the Groiners just planted in their newly-acquired land.
CRAZY SHOOTER ARRESTED IN GROINLAND
Some random weirdo named the Crazy Shooter was arrested in Groinland yesterday. He will be sent to prison for a year for a crime that doesn’t actually have a name. The Crazy Shooter went to the center of the town and started to randomly shoot everything that wasn’t alive. He caused a lot of property damage, but miraculously avoided actually shooting anybody! Even though Groinland’s very loose gun laws are unlikely to change, there is a good chance people there will become more wary of publicly carrying guns.
Because Groinland is so thinly policed, it took 2 days for the Crazy Shooter to be arrested. Because of that, 4 Groiners moved to the South Republic, saying they “didn’t feel safe.” Thanks for the immigrants, Groinland!
South Republic Section
IMPULSE MURDERER REPEATS CRIME!
The “Impulse Murderer,” who murders because he “feels in the mood to,” has claimed another victim. Bob the Billder was recently killed by the Impulse Murderer. He left a note at the crime scene saying “I was bored of the South Republic. I felt like making things more interesting. You guys are hopelessly mundane.” A piece of advice for the murderer- if you want to make things interesting, have a party or something! Don’t murder for fun! It’s not legal!
KELSPIE PASSES ALCOHOL BILL
The long-awaited Alcohol Bill (invented by the Liberal party) has been passed in a modified form by Frank Kelspie. Since a Conservative like Kelspie would be viewed suspiciously if he passed an unchanged Liberal bill, Kelspie decided to make an amendment to the bill. The changed version says “1-1 Alcohol can be imported to the South Republic and sold with a regular sales tax IF the buyer is old enough. 1-2 Drinking alcohol in any amount while under the legal age is a misdemeanor punishable by a fine. ” Although a few people are mad about this bill, most are happy that the alcohol ban has finally been reversed. Even though Kelspie won’t admit it, it seems that the main reason the alcohol bill was passed was because of the Western Heritage Party. (which has a drinking contest)
Some Liberals have actually claimed Kelspie was bought off by the Western Heritage Fund, but this has not been confirmed. If it is, Kelspie’s reputation will surely suffer.
WESTERN PARTY COMPETITION RESULTS
The very successful Western Heritage Party held at the Baptist Church a few days ago involved a shooting competition, drinking competition, gambling competition, spitting competition, and eating competition. The party drew in a ton of money for the Western Heritage Fund. The prizes included gear, money, or free food. (in the eating competition) The complete results are posted here.
Shooting: The Pistol division involves a bullseye at 10 yards. The rifle division uses a bullseye at 20 yards. Quick draw is a head-to-head competition using blanks.
Pistol Division: 1st place- Harvey Skinner with 162/200 points.
2nd place- Peter Falrickson with 138 points.
Rifle Division: 1st place- Frank Rinehart with 185/200 points.
2nd place- Peter Falrickson with 174 points.
Quick Draw division: 1st place- Harvey Skinner with a .293 second draw.
2nd place- Liam Vanner with a .304 second draw.
Drinking: The drinking competition proves which competitor can drink the most without moving out of their assigned circle or falling over. The circle is only two feet across, so staying in it is difficult when drunk! Competitors are obviously only allowed in one division per day.
1st place-Jim Jones, with 4 cans under his belt!
2nd place- Will Yammer, drinking 3 ½ cans of beer.
1st place- Liam Vanner with an amazing 5 ½ shots of whiskey!
2nd place- tied between Nathan Mcphee and Francis DeFry. Both drank 4 shots of whiskey.
Gambling: Racing is in the gambling division because of the bets placed on who will win.
1st place- John Demarquis with $29.
2nd place- Paul Smith with $17.
100 yard division:
1st place- Joe Gould, with 17.48 seconds
2nd place- Owen Robertson, with 17.87 seconds.
Spitting: Spitting does not involve any foreign substances. Just spit. Participants are watched for twenty minutes beforehand to make sure they don’t cheat. They get to use 1-foot-high platforms if they want.
1st place- Bob Williamson with 4.23 feet.
2nd place- Garth Carpenter with 3.84 feet.
Eating: Eating is the most varied sport of all. It has the most divisions: 5. Winners get their food for free. No utensils are allowed in any division except the steak division. Only first-place winners are included to save space.
Frank Mcdonald ate a whole pie in just 42 seconds.
Hot Dog division:
Bob Barkman ate 5 hot dogs in one minute.
In a very close round, Hank James topped off the others by finishing his burger in just 21 seconds.
In this endurance battle, Dan Mcmillan managed to eat the astounding number of 11 corn cobs.
Taking a longer time than anyone else, John “Fatso” Lumpkin ate an amazing 19 ounces of steak. He took 27 minutes.
CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)
The best benefiter of the local economy has definitely been the Western Heritage Party. Although it isn’t very easy to convince people to give up their money, the party did a great job boosting the economy. Now, a greater percentage of the South Republic’s GDP is in the Western Heritage Fund. I hope they spend it wisely!
In other areas, the warm weather has changed the industries from snow-selling to construction and beef farming. The tourism market has been successful since about a month ago, and that can only be expected to increase in the future.
The main event lately, aside from the W.H party, has been the importation of beef calves. They cost about $150 each, setting our debt to a much higher level until they are sold. However, they will reap a good profit if all goes well. Even if we don’t export the meat, it will feed the Republic and lower food importation prices.
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended. Mean value: $7 Volume: 92 –BEEF FARMING Although the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment)
Buying: $150 Volume bought: 10 –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price. Selling: $65 Volume: 5
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $969 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $2037 since Feb. 19
-National Debt- $2274.5 (+$1023)
GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION
WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself? Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!
We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!
FOOD TASTER’S CLUB
Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some tasty food together!
-Rest in peace, Fred!
-Someone named Eater died from pooping. No funeral will be held, since he had no friends.
“Eater sounded like a real waste of resources. The South Republic will reap large benefits because of his demise. It’s lucky for us we don’t have to waste any more food on him.” –James Mcphilian
“I thought the Western Heritage Party was probably the best event that has EVER happened in the South republic. Me and my friends had a blast! I can’t wait until another event goes on. I’ll be there!” –Joe Robertson
“Oh God! It don’int work! They ain’t good! Fred’s dead! Oh God! NO! I’m going to murder myself! NO!” –Farmer Hobo
“You know what- I’m sik of reading yer horrible letters! No one can spell wordz and their real bad at things. They suck! I h8 it! God-danged! Goddamn-ned!” -Anonyamis
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