“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”
ISSUE 9, FEBRUARY 26, 2012
Index: 1-3 International 4-5 South Republic 6 Business 7-8 Ads 9-10 Letters and map
“THE CLEANER” TRIES TO CLEAN UP GROINLAND
A new immigrant to Groinland called The Cleaner has offered free classes in Groinland. The classes are for teaching young Groiners how to be police and proper. The Cleaner is outraged against Groinland’s obscenities.
“Oh God, it’s so disgusting! I hate Groinland! They are so gross! I am going to clean them up if it is the last thing I do! Oh God!”
So far, class attendance is at 0. Updates will be given next week.
A local “star” named Groinannoyance was murdered last night. Although the cause of death is unknown, it appears someone attacked him with a knife. (probably from Groinland Cutlery Corporation.) If the killer is found, it may be sent to prison.
Groinannoyance was famous for annoying people with very disgusting sayings. (like “I’m gonna eat you like a food!” and “I’m gonna play you like a game!” and “I’m gonna pee on your poop!”) That is probably what he will be remembered for. Odds are, the killer murdered him because he was sick of Groinannoyance causing a ruckus.
BOB’S FUN CLUB TAKES A BREAK
Bob, the Doer of Bob’s Fun Club, has fallen ill due to pneumonia. Because of that, his country will be taking a break until he either dies or gets better. No club meetings are scheduled this week. Bob says he hopes his country won’t be attacked while it takes a break.
EVEN MORE KNIFE DESIGNS SOLD!
Groinland Cutlery Corporation has made 6 new knife designs. Right now, they are the dominant business in Groinland and are beginning to achieve fame in the South Republic and even Canada!
South Republic Section
VANDALISTER STRIKES AGAIN
The Vandalister, an unknown criminal in the South Republic, has spray painted another building in Wellsboro! The graffiti says: “Want a free groining? Call 555-390-2843!” As was last time, the owner of the building with graffiti is outrages. So are the South Republic Policemen. Anyone with information about The Vandalister can tell the police and collect the $15 reward. ($10 more than last time!)
MAYORAL ELECTION IN 2 WEEKS!
The South Republic is having an election to possibly get a new mayor in a few weeks. There are, as usual, a number of candidates. However, some may drop out if they realize they don’t stand a chance of being elected.
Although the candidates for the Conservative and Farmer’s parties are “by the book,” there are other candidates that are unusual for their party. For example, Mr. West’s Wife is running for the bizarre Protective Party.
Here is a chart to help you figure out which parties’ candidate you should vote for.
Definitions: Progressive = new beliefs Conservative = old beliefs Fascism = total government Anarchy = no government
Note: the strange Protective Party is not included, because it has not been recognized as a party yet. However, it would fall under “conservative facism,” like the Farmer’s party.
We have included advertisements from each of the parties here, starting with the most anarchistic.
Wanna party? Vote 4 the party party! It has lots of parties and fun! No taxes and no police 2. Get lots of fun stuff and have a good time! C U at the party!
MMMM. If you love Groinland, you better vote for the Groinland party! We will make lots of things legal! Oh yes! Like groining all the time! How fun! Vote for us, and we won’t disappoint your groin!
The Liberal party is asking for you to help us. We support open borders, help for the poor, and progressive beliefs. If you agree with any one of the above, please vote Liberal this upcoming election!
Feel stuck between the Liberal and Conservative parties? Sick of the Farmer party being archaic? Choose the Moderate party, and we will not disappoint you. We mix the best of the Liberal and Conservative parties into a common-sense ideology.
If you are tired of the Liberal party lying to you, and harming the Republic’s state of affairs, you have found the right party! We agree with you, and will do everything we can to keep Liberals out of office. This election, vote Conservative!
If you know first-hand how hard it can be to raise crops; if you are tired of the Liberals thinking they know best, and if you want real common sense leadership in the Mayor’s office, vote for the Farmer party.
CURRENT TRADE PRICES & INFORMATION: (by Trade-Talker)
The tourist market is still going strong, but has not improved over last week. There have been few sales in other areas, except firearms. The gunsmith in the South Republic has hired a helper. That means he can crank out four to five guns a week instead of three. Thank gosh he came to the Republic!
Otherwise, the national debt is slowly going down, which is necessary, considering Canada could be a potential enemy of the Republic. The debt could go down quicker, but I would say the state of affairs right now is satisfactory.
–SNOW A low amount of snow has been sold.
Selling: $.50/pound Volume: 25
–ICE There is no ice in the area.
Selling: $.80/pound Volume: 0
-TOURISM The tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended. Mean value: $6 Volume: 78 –FIREARMS A few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price.
Selling: $65 Volume: 5
–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $805.5 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $610 since Feb. 19
-National Debt- $1540.5 (-195.5)
GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION
WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself? Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!
We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff!
“I think it is God-groined depressing how horrible the stupid Cleaner is! Our country is dirty for a reason! Oh my groin! I mean, just shut up and live in the god groined South Republic! Gross!” -Groindanged
“How great it is that things are going well!” –Groinbobber
“I’m happy the gunsmith in the South Republic hired that assistant. He is a very nice guy. Actually, he used to be one of my Canadian friends, before I moved to the Republic.” –Tom Farmer